Nothing major happened, I have just noticed that she doesn't say she loves me anymore. I used to find it annoying. I always felt like she only said it to guilt me into having to say that I loved her. She never really showed or acted like she did while I was growing up. She used to say some pretty hurtful and mean things to me. Even when I was doing everything I could as a jw teenager, pioneering and being a good girl, she would then act jealous and it would show. She was mean no matter.
When I didn't know what to do with my life because paradise wasn't here like promised, I had never given any thought to a career and snubbed my nose at the idea of even a technical college...she would tell me to get a life. She would say that when I was gone, the house was so much nicer. It was just her and dad. Her best friend, my bestfriend's mom would tell me, "She doesn't mean it. She's gonna miss you when you are gone." I would think, "Yeah. Right. She's never going to wish I was around." I seriously thought of dying so many times. If it wasn't for my love of Jehovah and grandma I just might have driven into a bridge on my way home from work. I hated going home.
Thankfully I met the man of my dreams "in the truth" and we married. He really swept me off my feet. I was lucky to find him! My grandma says it's the only good thing that came out of the two of us being witnesses! We were able to find each other.
Here I am 11 years later. Happy, free and married with children of my own. We always tell each other we love each other and give lots of hugs and kisses to each other. I never knew children would want to hug and snuggle with their mother so much! I don't remember ever feeling this way about my mother. I just remember the expected kiss when we left for school and a kiss goodnight before bed. A habit that was expected of us and we performed. But my kids actually want to kiss me and do it on their own. I am lucky I know. I constantly think of how blessed I am. But, I wish I had that relationship with my mother. I am happy I can give that to our kids. But I miss it.
Earlier this year, while visiting us for several days, my mother decided to shun me. She sat in her motorhome in my driveway ignoring me and hubby and not entering our home. My dad is not a jw and he visited with us. But it was enough to kill me. I was a prisoner in my house and couldn't stand being there because she was sitting in my driveway shunning me. She didn't even look at me when they pulled away to continue their trip. She cut me off for about 3 months. My dad would call and talk to me. But she wouldn't say a word. Then while we were up at my grandma's during a family crisis, she started talking to me. She said she decided she could talk to us. (Probably because we're not officially disfellowshipped or disassociated). It has been 4 months. She will talk on the phone and we actually stayed with my parents during vacation. She acts civil and speaks to me. She doesn't try to change my mind about what I believe now, but she doesn't say she loves me at all. I know this is more than a lot of you out there have right now. I know some of you had very close relationships with your parents and mourn the loss of them. I guess I am mourning the absence of one at all. Thanks for reading my pity party of one. I just needed someone to talk to . Thank you for listening.
Kitten Whiskers
Just got off the phone with my mom and I feel weak from the emotions.
by kitten whiskers 20 Replies latest jw friends
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kitten whiskers
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Hortensia
parents can be really hurtful - I am sorry to hear how distressing this is for you. I know what you mean - I used to look at other families and wonder why my family had to be so different. Not a loving environment. One nice thing is that when they are older, your children will still love you and want to be with you because right now you love them and want to be with them.
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Madame Quixote
Kitten Whiskers - Your mom is probably a sick person. She doesn't believe she deserves a daughter as good as you, maybe. I wish she did not treat you that way. I noticed a few years back when I was still trying to have contact with my own family that my own sister refused to respond to my, "I love yous," and would end the conversation as quickly as possible. I have not heard "I love you" from her in years, either. It is hard to deal with this. I just stay away from all contact with them now because it is better for my own well-being. I don't know what works for you, but whatever you do, I hope you can find some peace, solace, and comfort. Hugs! You deserve to have a loving mom! Whatever she does, it is not, nor never was, about you. Her meanness is about her, and her unhappiness existed before you ever came along. She is unhappy with herself and you are some kind of scapegoat or something. I believe that is what most human meanness is about - someone being deeply unhappy in themselves, and blaming and scapegoating another.
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ex-nj-jw
(((((((((((((((((((kitten wiskers))))))))))))))))))))
I know exactly how you feel!! My mother sounds a lot like yours, never felt love from her even as a child. If you want you can go back and read my story, it was about 2 weeks ago.
Anyway, you have to just let it go. Stop trying to prove yourself to her, stop trying to make her love you. Once you finally give up, it wont hurt very much at all. I also married (21 years) and have 3 children. I always made a point to tell my kids I love you, and even though they are boys they still walk up and hug me, they lay on me (they are almost grown men 17 and 19). I love my husband very much and he loves me.
My dad and I have always been closer and he never made me feel unloved and even though he was a strict JW, he always showed me love!
Hang in there sweetie, shower your children and your husband and let the hurt from your mom go.
nj
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Twitch
I believe that is what most human meanness is about - someone being deeply unhappy in themselves, and blaming and scapegoating another.
True dat. I speak from experience on that one,......
KittenWhiskers, your children will be good people because they have you. Take pride in that.
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kitten whiskers
Thanks all of you!
Hortensia: Thank you for the kind words of encouragement and the hope for the future of my little family.
Madame Quixote: I am so sorry. I know your pain. My sister and I were never close. We are the only two children. I have told her a few times I love you, and she responded with "uh-huh." I think you are right. She has issues. I know there is an anger strain in our DNA that I inherited too. I had problems with getting stressed and depressed all the time. My medication has changed that. I am not different, I just don't go into stress overload like I used to. If she had gotten medication when I was little maybe things would be different. I don't know. She had me when she was twenty. So young herself. Thank you for saying her actions were never about me. That helps a lot.
ex-nj-jw: I think I remember your story. Didn't you move in with your girlfriend's family for a year? If that was you, wow. You really impressed me. I can't believe how much courage you had at such a young age. My heart went out to you as I read your experience. I will look it up again. I absolutely love that your babies still love on you! That was always my dream. I envisioned 3 or 4 boys loving their mama when they were growing into young men. I got one boy and one girl. The best of both worlds. My little guy loves to cuddle and I am sure one day his wife will thank me! So will your daughters-in-law! My mother-in-law always said how much my hubby loved to cuddle and touch her skin when he was little-that has been an added perk for me! wink, wink! Congratulations on your success!
Twitch: Thank you. I will take pride in that. I do believe they will be very good people. I want them to love each other too when they are grown and always emphasize how they are the only siblings they have and we must always be there for each other and love one another. The oldest is able to see the destructiveness of the cult. I don't hide things from her, I try to protect them both, but I gently have conversations with her about why certain people aren't talking to us and how that isn't what we should do. It was very hard on her when my mother wouldn't come into our house. She didn't understand what was going on completely, but over the months, we have talked gently about it and honestly. I don't want them to be brainwashed and scared to death by their grandparents later. I figure our conversations are now laying a foundation for their defenses to go up if they ever try.
Thanks again for taking the time to read and respond. I really don't try to let this get to me. I just have noticed that she doesn't do this anymore. I have tried to turn my emotions off to her for a long time. I guess it's something we are just born with. That connective desire. Thank you for the hugs too. I really needed them.
((((all)))) Kitten Whiskers -
prophecor
Listened intently Kitten Whiskers. Wish things wern't so dysfunctional and emotionally destructive. Happy healing here, however.
Arthur
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kitten whiskers
Ex-nj-jw:
I just went back and read your threads. I have been following your story and can't believe that after what you've been through, I should have complained at all. You are a truly strong and loving person to reach out and comfort me when you are experiencing a horrible time right now. You are not only courageous, loving and sweet...you are a fighter! You get knocked down, but you get up again. (They're never gonna keep you down! That song is running through my head!!!) I love that you were able to laugh at your mother's insanity. I pictured you reading outside by the mailbox and could almost hear you laugh!
I can't wait to hear your next update. That was a horrible letter to endure, but I'm sure the picture of you was CUTE! Probably similar to one I took of my daughter at age 2 all dressed up for service holding a special campaign tract. It was her first official day of going door to door. Poor baby. I seriously wonder how much literature is actually being printed and sent to family that doesn't want it! We've gotten the new book from the district convention and several magazines and tracts from my in-laws. The fear that the organization holds over jw's with armageddon is their version of hell and fire and brimstone! It is a religion based on fear. She is dealing with her own eventual death that was never supposed to happen, and scared to a near nervous breakdown probably. It really is a wonder we aren't all in the funny farm. I seriously felt like I was going to lose it going through the process of leaving. So much fear and uncertainty. It takes a strong person to leave of their own free will. I am so proud of you taking the steps you did at such a young and vulnerable time of your life. Your son can be nothing but proud of you and thankful his mother cared so much. If he doesn't see it now, he will later. You have courage and heart my dear. I am so glad you are happy.
(((ex)))Kitten Whiskers -
kitten whiskers
Arthur: This really is a healing place! Thanks for listening. I am feeling much better now. Just typing it out and having someone care helps so much. I always am looking at this board and give a few comments. I figured it was time I opened up and shared a little with all of you my pain. I know I am not alone here. Thank you Simon for this board. It has helped so many to freedom in so many different areas of our lives!
I am off to bed now. I thank you all for taking the time to read and respond! Kitten Whiskers -
ex-nj-jw
I think everone's story helps someone. That's the wonderfull thing about JWD, not matter what it is that is going on at the moment, there is always someone that can relate to you and you don't have to worry about a person thinking you are crazy (usually)
nj