For those traumatized by being "raised in the truth"...

by changeling 15 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  changeling

  What kind of apology would you like to hear from your parents?

  I'll start:

  We are sorry that we were narcissistic wannabe misionaries and that by "putting the kingdom first" we were really putting our personal goals first and never once factored you into the equation.

  We are sorry that we saw you as an extension of ourselves and never saw the unique individual that you really are.

  We are sorry for the emotional harm we caused you by disciplining you in harshness while at the same time advocating to others that discipline was a form of love.

  We are sorry that we were so concerned with our position in the congregation that we expected you to behave, act and dress in a way that did not endanger that position.

  We are sorry that we never really knew you because we never took the time to really "see".

  Go ahead people, tell us what you would like to hear. Chances are you'll never hear it from your parents, but it feels good to let it out.

  changeling
• 

  mrsjones5

  Number 2 and 5 but it will never happen, so I try to be the parent to my kids that my parents never were to me.

  Josie
• 

  forsharry

  I don't want an apology, really. My parents were only doing what they (thought, were told, had learned) what was right by me. Although I'm very bitter about losing out on my childhood, I don't see how an apology would make me feel any better...cause I've gotten them from both my parents once I started going to therapy and they realized just what an awful mess my coping skills were from internalizing everything while in the org.

  The only reparation I would accept would be to go back and time and do it all over again. Sorry to me just doesn't cut the mustard.

  Sharry of the "Naw, I ain't bittah" class
• 

  Tyrone van leyen

  Oh God! All five, and any more that you can come up with, but it is way, way, way, way too late and doesn't matter anymore.
• 

  ex-nj-jw

  They don't have to apologize for the past. If they could just accept me for who I am, love me because they love me not because of what I do or do not do. If they could appreciate the wife, mother and overall person that I've become despite the childhood I had and the parenting I received that would be enough.

  I have been the parent to my children that i did not have. I love and respect my children, I don't judge them, I don't hold them back. I encourage them to do whatever it is they desire, to become whatever it is they want to be and I give them 100% support in whatever that is they choose. I hug them, I tell them I love them, I laugh with them. When they have a friend that is going through something I listen to them and I give them advise on how they can help their friend. When they have a problem, I listen first then I try to help them through it.

  So from my parents, I have more than they will ever have. I have peace knowing that I have raised happy well adjusted and much loved sons!

  nj
• 

  RollerDave

  Here is the apology I actually got:

  "David, I am so sorry I was so caught up in myself and my problems that I failed to protect you and keep you safe. I never knew, I only noticed that you had changed and didn't seem interested in anything anymore. But I had three other kids, teenagers with the drugs and sex and didn't pay attention and get you the help you needed. I didn't know what to do, but there can be no excuse. I am so sorry and I hope you can ever forgive me."

  Of course I did. It doesn't lessen the emotional pain, or help me sleep at night, but one has to forgive or it will consume you starting at the edges and working in until you are gone.

  No apologies for the religion, for being deprived of what little normalcy I had left, made to be even more of an outcast than I already was. For socially stunting me, failing to raise me AT ALL, in the 0rg or out.

  No apology for dragging me out in the field misery and walking so fast I had to practically run to keep up until my little legs cramped up.

  But the apology I got is all I need, and more than most probably get.

  It'll do.

  RD
• 

  sweetstuff

  I would take all that although with, we are sorry for rejoicing with glee everytime you were picked on in school, praising Jehovah for your persecution.
• 

  joannadandy

  I kind of feel like Forsharry.

  Past is past - and honestly, I've been no basket of sunshine either. I do feel like parents were just doing what they thought to be right, and raising me the best way they knew how.

  I do have the luxary of being able to stay in contact with my family tho - so I can certainly understand why those who can't would want appologies/amends to be made.
• 

  RisingEagle

  In my experience I had to come to terms with the thought that there would never be an apology - for anything. I came to that realization, not through a discussion about my own upbringing but by listening to my parent talk about one of my siblings. Apparently, my sibling was feeling some pain about how they were raising their own kids (they are still in and very active). It seems they were seeing history repeat itself in their own interactions with their children - anger issues mostly. So they wrote my parent a letter, or e-mail I don't remember which, outlining what they were going through and the way in which our parent had dealt with them. My sibling brought out that they felt like they were watching an instant replay of their own youth. In my mind I could see exactly what they were talking about, not physical abuse but mental, screaming matches, belittling and beratement and oodles of guilt. My parent's reaction to this correspondence was to write back telling my sibling to, "Get over themselves, they did the best they could" and, "It's been xxx years since it happened." They went on to tell my sibling that if they were not able to get past this in their life then maybe the best course of action would be for my parent to travel to them and have a meeting with them and their congregation's elders.

  Mind you, this conversation took place in an IHOP restaurant between bites of pancakes, with appropriate pauses for weeping by my parent (well, hell if I'm going to tell you that I might as well tell you it was my mom).
• 

  changeling

  Rollerdave: you did indeed get more than most could ever hope for. I'm glad for you.

  To those who said "the past is the past" and "parents did all they could", I'm happy for you too. The reason for that is: you totally missed the point of this thread and have no earthly idea of how bad some witness children were raised. Be glad that you're among the lucky ones.

  changeling