Is this abuser a pedophile or messed up victim of abuse

by LearningToFly 18 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse

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  LearningToFly

  I've been trying to figure this one out for awhile now, it's something I have let go and dealt with but I do have some questions regarding it now.

  When I was seven, I had an older JW female cousin who was thirteen who forced me into sexual activities. She used threat of bodily harm as her way of forcing this. It carried on for a year, until we moved away. For many years I felt really messed up over the experience and did not tell anyone until therapy many years later, in fact for many years it was virtually buried, but still there. But like I said, I dealt with it and came to a place of forgiving her, even though I still wanted no contact.

  This cousin also forced my younger sister who was five into sexual activities, which I did not find out about until we were both adult women. No one talked about it. As well she instigated sexual activity with her much younger brothers who were five and four at the time.

  This girl had also been abused by her pervert/pig stepfather, whom I knew even as a small child was a pervert, although I didnt know the word then or context, I just didnt like him, and kept my distance.

  Now, my thoughts are, was she a victim acting out her abuse on others, or would she be considered a predator by the law and societies viewpoints. Even I can't define her behavior. And I do have very strong feelings against sexual predators and pedophiles.

  This girl left home quite young, about 15, and went really wild.. settled down later in life and had a family. I never did seek contact with her due to my experiences, although I have forgiven her in my mind now.

  I'de really like to hear some thoughts on this.. although the experience for me was long ago dealt with, and I no longer feel shameful or guilt over it, I do queery her part in it.

  I think to myself now, if this was my child, I would have gotten her therapy for her behaviours as well as the abuse she experienced, but this was never done as far as I know. It was just kept a big family secret, no one telling anyone their experiences or sharing.

  Her mother, my aunt stayed married to the pig for many years too.. up until I was in my late 20's.. he was finally disfellowshiped for homosexual activities. My aunt finally divorced him at this point. It makes me wonder who else was abused in that home, although I have no contact with the two male cousins and younger female cousin. The youngest girl, who is close to 30 now, I have just recently heard, was always such a sweet girl, but just recently went totally wild, left her husband and children, and is living a hard life.

  Who does one blame for all this.. I am wondering at this moment.. so much sickness in that religion. I could share more stories of other branches of the family.. children abused.. it goes on and on.. and all associates of the church. I am digressing now.. but would like thoughts on the 13 year old abuser.
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  bigdreaux

  ltf, i read this, and thought about it, i really don't know. at thirteen, i would think she'd know better, but, i'm sure some of our qualified therapists will have a good answer. i just wanted to say i'm sorry you went through this. sexual abuse is one of the things that pisses me off the most, and usually, it's cut and dry for me, but, this is a different situation. i hope your okay now.
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  LearningToFly

  Thanks BigD.. I am truly totally fine now.. and have been for a long time. I am not sure what the answer is either regarding the cousin.. if she was a pedophile then.. then she likely continued to be.. why I queery it now..
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  wednesday

  I think there has to be a 5 yr difference in the ages of children for it to be considered "pedophile".

  this is so sad, she was a victim and received no help, and went on to abuse. We must get to the children who are abused before it ruins their lives and the lives of others.

  I'm sorry you had this experience. It is a terrible human tragedy. We must stop keeping secrets and help children before it is too late .
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  sweetstuff

  ((Hugs)) This is a hard one for sure. According to the law she would not be a pedophile, she was a minor child, legally at the time the abuse occurred. But the abuse still happened, you and your sister were still affected by what she did. I would view it as a kid who was screwed up and was repeating the abuse cycle, the mentality of a 13 year old who has been abused herself could be very childlike and unaware of how wrong what she was doing actually is, after all, this is what she was taught at home. If she continued to do abusive behaviors as an adult, she is most definitely a pedophile.

  The fact that she has never contacted you, never apoligized for what she did, indicates she probably hasn't received any professional help. I would suggest if you really want to know and settle it in your mind, contact her, via email, letter, phone and tell her how effected you were by what happened, that you forgive her (if you want to that is) and see what kind of response you get. You never know, contacting her and making her face it and telling her you forgive her, might be something she desperately needs to hear to heal herself. I was in a very similar situation with a child (meaning he was a kid at the time he abused me) abuser myself who as an adult came to me, begging for forgiveness for what he had done. The person in question told me that many times he had contemplated suicide over the things he had done and being given the forgiveness was cleansing for both of us. Wish you the best, whatever you decide to do or not do.
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  flipper

  Learning to Fly- So sorry you went through this. Man, what a sick bunch of people are in our society today in general. Seems to me it appears this cousin was not only a victim in a long chain of abuse that appeared to be handed down through generations but, also a perpetrator of the abuse towards you and others. So there appears to be fault in the family in general letting that behavior go on in the closet so to speak while everybody gets silently abused. Thus the name for the help organization Silent Lambs.

  As to what to do about it , have you thought of getting in contact with organizations like Silent Lambs to see how they could not only help you, but others involved in this families chain of abuse? As for the cousin now, being married with kids, all you can do is hope she is not passing on these abuse tendencies to her children , like her dad did to her. The chain has to be broken, but someone has to break it. I too would advise professional counseling for all involved, if you can get them to do it. Pig father included. Cows are out of the barn now, but if the people involved want help, they are able to attain help. Peace to you, hope you are well, Mr. Flipper
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  Lady Lee

  Ok I'm going to go through this one piece at a time

  First I'm sorry this happened in your family. So much damage from so few people

  Now, my thoughts are, was she a victim acting out her abuse on others,

  Most likely YES

  or would she be considered a predator by the law and societies viewpoints.

  YES again

  Regardless of what her abuse history was she legally would be held responsible for the abuse she perpetrated on others.

  Kids know how to keep quiet when threatened or when they don't think anyone will protect them if they do talk.

  wednesday said

  I think there has to be a 5 yr difference in the ages of children for it to be considered "pedophile

  This is correct to a point. There are times when a younger but bigger child uses violence or the threat of violence to coerce the abuse. Size, threats, and age as well as authority (babysitter) are all taken into consideration.

  sweetstuff said

  the mentality of a 13 year old who has been abused herself could be very childlike and unaware of how wrong what she was doing actually is, after all, this is what she was taught at home. If she continued to do abusive behaviors as an adult, she is most definitely a pedophile.

  ANYONE who abuses a child knows it is wrong and knows they will be in trouble if they are caught. They plan access to and isolation of the child and make sure they can coerce the child into silence. If they didn't think it was wrong they would try it when people are around.
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  Nathan Natas

  Abuse is very frequently cyclical, yet adults are responisble for their actions. NOTHING gets them off the hook.

  While such conduct might not have been pedphilia, it was abuse, assault and (probably) battery.

  My condolences.
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  LearningToFly

  Thank you for your thoughts..

  Sweetface: Thank you for sharing your experience ((Hugs)) Thank you as well for the suggestion to find this cousin to let her know I have forgiven her. It would be a final healing moment for myself, as well as set her mind at ease if it is something that has haunted her like you shared of your abuser.

  I see from other thoughts as well, that unless she continued to abuse past her youth as she did, she is not a pedophile, but a victim as well. I truly wish to see some healing take place within this family, I have sought support to heal long ago, and all in all do quite well. I was the only one who dared to speak out long ago, even though it was not nearly enough. From what I hear, the family continues to hold all the abuses experienced secret, a taboo topic not discussed, so therefore no one is healing.

  It truly scares me that without healing.. there could likely be a continuation of this abuse within this family. Perhaps by conctacting this cousin.. I may be able to in some way start their path of healing. I feel so sad for the youngest girl who lived her life as a JW only to now go completely bonkers and fall into heavy drug and alcohol use. This shows me that she too must have been victimized.

  Maybe this is my way to do something to help.. by breaking my silence and approaching this cousin could lead to opening doors to reach others in the family and support the youngest cousin. I am sure she needs it.. from what I have heard other JW family members are talking of her like she is the devil himself. This family likes to devilize anyone who leaves the church or family. And yet they are all devilized themselves in many ways.

  Thanks again.. LTF
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  ARoarer

  Learning to Fly

  How painful this must have been for you carrying this experience those years. I firmly believe that the Jehovah's Witnesses' problem of sexual abuse within is so deep and far more dangerous than what the Catholic Church dealt with from Pedophile priests molesting children in their parishes all those years. The reason why the sexual abuse is so insidious and deeply routed within so many of it's families is because this is such a closed community made up of families who are all interelated throughout the many circuits. They grow up together, play together, date each other and intermarry with each other. Their family issues become intertwined and many of these family secrets are carried through and hidden by members in this religion. Especially with the elder arrangement, sexual abuse is covered and hidden by elder family members who either have experienced abuse, or know of other members abuses. A family member who is a pedophile and becomes an elder is often protected by other family members hiding abuse. Then through generations of hidden sexual abuse and inter congregational marriage alliances, this problem of family secrets is often incest that carries throughout the different families continuing to hide secrets of sexual activities of other familiy members. It goes on and on and stays in that organization and keeps growing like a cancer. Your cousin very likely passed some of the leftovers of this disfunction onto her own children who could either grow up to look the other way and ignore sexual abuse, or to acutally perpetrate it on other members of thier family or within the congregation. Or if not that, maybe be drawn to another pedophile from some other congregation. It just keeps festering from family to family in all different disguises until someone breaks the chain and stops it. Maybe deep inside you are feeling you must do this in some way so that someone else is not affected by her sexual disfunction. If your cousin went on to have a family, who knows what twisted things she could have done to the minds of her daughters or sons even if only with words. This will continue to be a generational thing she passes down through her immediate family members and they will also until the chain is broken.

  ARoarer