God help me - Just finished Crisis of Conscience

Orgull

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

A friend lent me CoC yesterday and I stayed up most of the night reading it. It took me 13 hours and I skipped the meeting today to keep reading, I couldn't bear to put it down.

I am shocked but not surprised at how closely Ray's thinking mirrors my own in some ways. The part that hit me hardest was...

"Conviction, it has no meaning or validity unless it is individual, personal. To believe because others believe is to have a borrowed conviction and a borrowed faith. To be genuine and to lead to life, these must be the product of one's own mind and one's own heart." - Ray Franz

Part of me had been hanging on to the remote possibility that I was wrong. That there was nothing wrong with the organization or with our beliefs. That the only thing that was "wrong" was my own faith. But I couldn't reconcile the lack of love. I didn't feel love from the congregation or Jehovah and I knew I didn't love my "brothers and sisters" and that I served Jehovah out of habit, not out of love. It was an impossible way to live.

After reading CoC, I feel like I just died. I also feel like I've just been born.

A while back I said I felt no resentment, but I'm beginning to. The first half of my life was spent living a lie. That bothers me and will probably go on bothering me for the rest of my life.

They say that criminals who've spent most of their lives in prison get disoriented and distressed when they finally get paroled later in life. The shock of institutional life, being told when to get up, when and what to eat, what to wear, the clearly defined space in which they live... take that away and the world with all it's possibilities and freedoms is too much to bear. I feel like I've just been let out of prison. Part of me screams for the comfort of my "cell" walls and part of me screams in anguish at my "captors".

I want to live.

I feel born again.

I feel scared to death.

AK - Jeff

Your journey has begun in earnest now. You see that you can disconnect yourself from the concept that Jw's have the 'truth'. It is scary. Four years back almost, I had the same fears and apprehensions.

Freedom is worth it in the end. Good Luck.

Jeff

OnTheWayOut

It's good to feel your own feelings instead of what the WT tells you to feel.

What progress you have made, already. YOU MISSED THE SUNDAY WT MEETING
TO READ APOSTATE LITERATURE. Shocking. Good job.

Gayle

I understand your ranges of thought and emotions. I read Ray Franz' book also in the mid-80's. I had so many suspicions and questionings for some years before and became inactive in itself for that but Ray's book put all the sections of the pieces I had put together and finally felt a personal validation, a temendous weight lifted. It's bittersweet but gets sweeter and sweeter.

Mum

(((( Orgull ))))

Many of us here know just how you feel. Been there, done that. It is up to you now what you choose to do with your newfound freedom. The mental shackles are off. You are free to entertain any ideas you see fit. Keep reading and keep talking to us. I recommend that you also read non-religious books, classics and self-help to start. These will help you open your mind to the possibilities that lie before you.

Relax and enjoy being free.

Regards,

SandraC

aSphereisnotaCircle

After reading CoC, I feel like I just died. I also feel like I've just been born.

A while back I said I felt no resentment, but I'm beginning to. The first half of my life was spent living a lie. That bothers me and will probably go on bothering me for the rest of my life.

Welcome to the other side Orgull!

The next few months are probably going to be pretty rocky for you. You will feel exhilarated because you are free, and you will feel rage over the betrayal.

Hang in there, it gets better, I promise.

journey-on

Orgull, your journey has entered a new phase. You said you feel like you've just died, but also been reborn. That's a good way to put it, but you will have to deal with both those processes at the same time. Glad you're here sharing your transformational process.

Highlander

A while back I said I felt no resentment, but I'm beginning to. The first half of my life was spent living a lie.

Like you, I recently read CoC. It wasn't til after reading the book that I reached the stage of full on bitterness. I just got off the phone with my dad. He asked if I was ok, as I seemed a bit down. He's right, I am a bit down. Some of it is from working 14 days non-stop, but a lot of it is from my j-dub hangover that I'm trying to get over.

Satanus

Yes, it is shocking to have an edifice that was the centre of your world torn down. I went through similar reactions when reading the book. The reborn part is good. You may continue to have ups and downs, only not as big.

S

Honesty

I feel scared to death. orgull

That will pass.

I was absolutely terrified when I discovered the real truth about the Watchtower Society.

My JW friends and family recoiled in horror when I asked them probing questions about its crazy doctrines.

My JW friends and family recoiled in horror when I mentioned praying to Jesus and asking Him to come into my life and lead me to the right path .

One day I read Psalms 23:1-3 and understood which Lord it is talking about for the first time:

The Lord is my shepherd; there is nothing I lack.

He lets me lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside quiet waters.

He renews my life;

He leads me along the right paths for His name’s sake.

Just keep in mind that if you decide to reject the false doctrines of the Watchtower Society and the JW's insist that you will never be resurrected or that God is going to destroy your apostate a$$ at Armageddon if you don't die before it takes place, they are LYING to you because God says that Jesus destroyed the one holding the power of death — that is, the Devil — and He freed those who were held in slavery all their lives by the fear of death ( Heb 2:14-15).

Welcome to freedom!!!

God help me - Just finished Crisis of Conscience

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