If You've Been Abused in a Bad Marriage or Relationship You Can Leave

by flipper 11 Replies latest jw friends

  • flipper
    flipper

    Hello people, as some of you may know, I have been married to Mrs. Flipper for almost a year now. Life is great, we both have never been happier! But I know it's not like that for some of you, believe me, been there , done that at another time and place.

    As a witness, the organization makes you think that you have to stick it out so to speak, try to work things out, even in an abusive relationship. I was briefly married in 2002 to an abusive drug abuser who with the type of drugs she did, made her very verbally violent, even physically violent at times. She would lose her temper at the drop of a dime, and 17 times in our year and a half marriage , she would kick me out of the bedroom, throwing my checkbook, wallet, clothes, and keys down the hallway, just because she was in a snit over some small thing. She'd yell and say, " Your going to sleep in another room tonight. " I was still in the organization at the time.

    She was not, and at the time the elders acted supportive, like they were concerned . But we went to counseling , it did not work , and she made the move to leave me. It was quite a relief actually. But these same elders turned on me after she left, and tried to encourage me to get back with her, because she had missed me and wanted to get back together. I told the elders I was not going to put my teenage kids in harms way by taking her back. They tried to blame me , and I told them to take a flying leap, I had done everything I could to save the marriage. These elders were pushing their personal opinions to me contrary to what their own Family Book counsels, on page 161, paragraph 20, I quote," In all cases of extreme spousal abuse, no one should put pressure on the innocent mate either to separate or to stay with the other. While mature friends and elders may offer support and bible based counsel, these cannot know all the details of what goes on between a husband and wife. Only Jehovah can see that. "

    So these elders were not following the governing bodies direction. I have seen this in so many other people's lives, where they were counseled to be a better wife and he won't abuse you, blah, blah, blah ! But this is false reasoning. If you or someone you know is going through abuse, you don't have to take it! Get help, get counseling, and you can free yourself from an abusive person! Don't let elders of any religion tell you you can't have that freedom! They're wrong! Once you are free from an abusive relationship it will be like a breath of fresh air that you have not taken for awhile. So get yourself free, educate yourself, and find happiness again. I did, and I'm glad I did, found real happiness again. Have any of you seen or heard of experiences you would like to share of breaking free from abusive relationships so those going through these things can see this is possible ? Welcome everyone's experiences. It might help some going through this ! Just might save a life here! Peace to you all, Mr. Flipper

  • calico
    calico

    No replies! Well, most people on this board are too busy talking about boobs!

  • Gretchen956
    Gretchen956

    Yea thats the one I heard... "What did you do to make him abusive?" Especially when the abused is a "sister," the elders seem to want to make it out to be about what the victim did wrong. I finally dumped both him and the religion. Best decision I ever made.

    Sherry

  • educ8self
    educ8self

    I don't have stories - don't know if they're always helpful but I do know even mature people sometimes split up! This idea of the marriage/relationship having to be a permanent edifice is just more closed mindedness. When two people who are mature decide to end it it isn't anywhere near as dramatic - maybe somewhat on an emotional level, but they have a clear understanding of where they're at. Now if there's reason to end it in that situation then WHY would you stay in an abusive relationship? Gotta take the responsibility of living our own life.

  • KW13
    KW13

    I am glad you got someone worth keepin' Flipper!

  • nvrgnbk
    nvrgnbk
    This idea of the marriage/relationship having to be a permanent edifice is just more closed mindedness.

    Sorry for your previous troubles, Mr. Flipper.

    Happy for the good life you are currently sharing with Mrs. Flipper.

  • flipper
    flipper

    CALICO- I know you've been angry lately about things. Please hang in there with your situation. I do hope you find peace.

    GRETCHEN- My sister like yourself was told this insane stuff from elders too, stay with your man, be a better wife. But after my sister had endured 20 years of physical abuse by him and been forcibly raped by him, she had had enough by 1989. Even to this day she is so messed up emotionally, she has never been in a relationship since. She get's counseling to deal with the pain. I'm glad you got out of your abusive situation Sherry, hope you have found some peace, my friend.

    EDUC8SELF- You are right in your take if both people in a relationship are normal, mature adults, yes, relationships can end peacefully, both going their own separate ways, wishing each other well. I've been in that kind of relationship too. That being said, however, in answer to your question of Why some witnesses or others stay in abusive relationships? There are several reasons people do. First, witnesses do because they are counseled only to divorce for adultery. So any other thing that happens, they are counseled to stick it out, try to make it work, so as not to dishonor the marital arrangement in God's eyes. I swear to god, that's how they see it! Sick! So witnesses in being fearful of as they are told, " displeasing Jehovah " they hang on too long many times to please an organization, elders.

    Then non witnesses sometimes hang on too long to abusive relationships, because it's all they ever were raised with, it's the way their parents were, and their grandparents, so they know of no other kind of relationship. It's like negative reinforcement. they get out of that negative comfort zone they are used to, then they freak out, don't know how to have a drama free relationship, because they've never been in one. As you say, it takes them to need to get educated to break the chain of abuse that has been passed down in their families. Hope that clears it up a bit for you.

    KW13- Thanks for the kind words. Yes, I finally do have a woman who appreciates me, and I appreciate her. Man, it took me till age 47 to find that right one, but I finally did. Grateful beyond words

  • Finally-Free
    Finally-Free

    I have stories I can't relate because of a clause in my separation agreement.

    It just goes to show that marriage can be a beautiful thing. I'm really happy for you Mr. and Mrs. Flipper!

    W

  • flipper
    flipper

    NVR- Thanks for your kind words. As I said, this life has been one hell of a ride. I've had a few women of all kinds over the years, however none of them ever compared to the woman I have now! She is the best! And yes EDUC8 , you can find one that you want to spend the rest of your life with. If it happened to such a hard luck guy as me it can happen to anybody. Believe me! Peace out, Mr. Flipper

  • educ8self
    educ8self

    Thanks Flipper, that was actually a rhetorical question - I may have forgotten a lot but I do know the JW doctrines, I just ignore it. I was trying to convey the insanity of that kind of view, I think that goes a long way - more so than knowing the interplay of the reasonings and so forth if it is really seen for what it is.

    And I do agree that you can find someone who you can be with for the rest of your life, and I think the way to do that is to not hang on to a relationship in spite of all signs showing it wouldn't work just based on sticking to an idea. It isn't loving in the long run. It takes a radical honesty of being yourself rather than trying to fit into any mould.

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