I'm a 4th generation dub and I was the epitome of a goodie-two-shoes elder's son. I was taught/brainwashed that dating was evil and only for mature brothers (I distinctly remember a part on the assembly with a "demonstration" that said even 24 years old was too young to date and you should concentrate on becoming a MS or pioneer first) and went through so much soul-destroying guilt because of the society's utterly ridiculous stance on masturbation that it almost drove me to suicide. Didn't help that my father the elder had a massive porn stash.
Heck, I think the main thing that drove me to baptism at age 12 was to get a "clean slate" before God because of my "unclean habit"...yeah, THAT lasted all of of two weeks.
All the younger ones around me in the congregation that were dating and getting married early were supposed to be "bad association" so I was further and further forced into an unnatural, unhealthy frame of mind. Once I started college I tried to break free but, unfortunately, the elder's daughter I fell in love with was just as brainwashed and she broke my heart, badly. More depression and attempted suicide. I changed congregations and tried to get all whipped up into a zealous frenzy again, even ignoring the very troubling doubts I was having regarding some of the Society's teachings, but depression (now properly diagnosed as Bipolar II disorder) would regularly set in and prevent me from doing as much as the brothers wanted me to. Then, the C.O. visit put a nice big cherry on my shit sunday when he used the local needs talk to basically tell the young sisters not to date anyone who wasn't a MS. He was hoping to grab the young brothers by their balls to get them motivated to "reach out" but for me - who couldn't put in the hours of hypocritical field service or fake the talks on the platform anymore - it pushed me over the edge.
I tried my best to get disfellowshipped last summmer - smoked pot, lived with worldly people all summer, didn't go to a single meeting, drank myself stupid - but I convinced myself to come back for the sake of my family and sat through hours of humiliating elder's meetings to show repentance. Ironically, the one thing I didn't do last summer was immorality. My upbringing and previous experiences opening my heart up to a girl has left me severely dysfunctional when it comes to relationships.
Even now that I'm almost done fading out again, I can't bring myself to ask a girl out. I'm twenty five and haven't so much as held a girl's hand, let alone kiss or anything past that.
Do those of you "born into the truth" have problems with relationships?
by marmot 28 Replies latest jw experiences
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marmot
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marmot
Sorry for the huge paragraph, all my formatting seems to have been lost. How do I add line breaks and other stuff?
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Dorktacular
I was in the truth until was about 20. Dude, you HAVE to live life. I know you want to do what's right. I wanted to do what was right, too. But, you can't wait until you a million years old to be happy. I never held a girl's hand until I was 19. That is sad. Go out, find a girl and get laid. Seriously.
I haven't been a JW for over 10 years, but I still have social issues. My entire social growth was stunted as a JW youth. No friends, no parties, no anything. I still have trouble making friends, and I get nervous and exhausted in new social situations. I HATE parties unless I know everyone there. I am always trying to break out of my shell, but is still hard to do. I'm amazed I ever found a girlfriend! LOL. I'm married now and somewhat social, but it still kills me to make new friends. Kinda sucks.
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Younglove1999
thanks for sharing your experience-
I did the rebellious thing growing up in "the truth" and dated guys- both worldy and witnesses-
I think if I didn't do that, i would have ended up marrying the first JW guy I met as soon as I hit the age of 18- and it probably would have been the worst mistake ever.
But thankfully, from dating I was able to figure out what *I* wanted in a marriage mate and I stuck to my guns. I didn't just marry a guy who was a JW or an MS, but I wanted someone who truly made me feel confident, someone I could laugh with, and an itelligent intellectual person who could made their own decisions and not some "puppet". So I guess sub consciously, I didn't want an MS or a Pioneer! LOL
But because JW's aren't allowed to date, I think there's that misconstrued idea that the first guy you meet/date/hold hands with has to be the guy you're going to marry. In fact, it's usually how it works 90% of the time. And it's sad to see because most of those marriages end up being train wrecks.
Even though I'm happily married and we're both out of the organization, I find myself struggling to maintain normal relationships with guys in general because growin up you didn't talk to another guy unless you were interested. Girls and guys couldn't be friends, etc. So basically a guy=flirtation and romantic interest and nothing else growing up. I have a difficult time being around guys today because I'm always thinking "oh! they must be interested in me"-not in a conceited way- but like in a guilty, I better stop talking to them way- not sure if that makes sense-
but yeah, I definitely think beign a JW can cause problems with relationships with people in general, both romantic and platonic
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Fe2O3Girl
Mmmm. I sort of had the opposite problem. I thought everyone who wasn't a JW were at it like rabbits non-stop, and that was normal.
I think you should take things slowly. Deeply engrained attitudes are hard to drop, even if you don't believe it in your head anymore. You are still referring to sex and romance and relationships as "immorality". My concern is that you might expect the first girl you date to fall into bed with you, think she's weird if she doesn't (worldly girls are easy) and think she is a slut if she does. Try to develop friendships with a mixed group of people. Consider some counselling.
All the best!
Rachel
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yesidid
Brought up in the "truth" (third generation), married at 18 and have had a wonderful (fifty year) marriage.
No problems with this relationship.
BTW my husband was not my first boyfriend and I have several male friends with whom I have a good relationship.
yesidid
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Tyrone van leyen
I have only once dated an exjw like myself and we she just couldn't get over the religion. She would play kingdom tapes of readings from the bible to calm herself all the time, she was a basket case really with frequent anxiety attacks and behaviour problems. I myself have struggled trhough many years of failed relationships. I don't seem to get past 4 years with anyone before I feel like having a breakdown.
Marriage is an institution that the witnesses let me be no part of in my own family get togethers and weddings. I never ever knew what dating was and I'm still not sure I do. I have many hang ups too, that a lot of, outside the witness realm girlfreinds, just don't understand. I think things are slowly getting better, but the way I have paid, for witness inequity is beyond beleif. I missed so much. I have a deeeeep seated hatred for them because of this. The older I get the more I realize how much I missed. It is very painful and sometimes I don't even want to be aware of it.
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saywhat29
yes! Sometimes I try to hav daily conversations with people but whenever I relate to them my history or past, it seems as if I'm from another world. And whenever they relate their past to me they seem like they are from another world... one where they are waaay ahead of me! So it's really hard at times to make friends and it takes an effort.
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sweetstuff
I posted a similar thread not too long ago. Here's the link. http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/20/140836/1.ashx
Alot of people have suffered the same problems, you are not alone! Biggest step is getting over that hurdle of actually asking a girl out for coffee. Take things slow, and remember, we are all late in the learning curve here, don't be too critical of yourself.
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Cordelia
YESSSSS
i've been dfed and had a lovely boyfriend and constantly took it out on him, i got reinstated and left and had anopther lovely boyfreind and got mad coz i was treatong him so nice he didnt appreciate everything i was feeling, (that i wasnt treating him the way i did the other)
and i got married to a dub when i was wrong that was crap too
conclusion....... get out there get laid do it ( but dont dare confess) you got to go thru things till you find the one!!!!!