perhaps this is naive of me- (page 2)

unique1

Wow sorry your friends suck so bad. I have two friends that know I am out and still talk to me. It is just weird they dumped you over something small like that. I would call expecting friend and say you want to throw her a shower if no one else is. See what happens from there.

OnTheWayOut

These people are not really your friends, I am sorry, but its the truth. It might be time to start cultivating new relationships that are dub- free.

While Sweetstuff is correct, I will add: they WERE friends and would be friends still, but they are
captives of a mind-control cult. Only what they call "weak" witnesses will retain friendship with
inactive ones. Family can overlook it, sometimes, but friends usually cannot.

My best friend got DF'ed and later reinstated. I was there for him when he got DF'ed, advising him.
I knew he wanted to get reinstated, so I told him some advice, and said I would be there if he needed
any help, but otherwise I would speak to him after his reinstatement. I did not hear from him for
nearly a year. If he decided not to be reinstated, I might not have offered to remain friends during the
interim. He didn't call, but I would have answered if he did- only because I thought he should not have
been DF'ed.

Now, I am inactive. He hasn't shunned me, but he's getting closer. He knows I have problems with
WTS. We have spoken twice in a year, and that's not friendship. Granted he lives a plane-ride away,
but that never prevented us from talking and occasionally visiting. I accept that the friendship will
not survive the cult training.

Find new friends. That's all you can do.

Scully

You aren't alone.

The same kind of thing happened to me. Having to be on bedrest for a month early in my last pregnancy - I didn't hear from ANYONE at the KH the entire time. Not a single phone call, no visits (except from someone working our territory who stopped in to use our bathroom, and probably to snoop and make sure I wasn't just goofing off for a dumb reason), no cards of concern.

The only time I was contacted was to be informed that our book study group was assigned to make meals that week for one of the pioneer's bible studies who had a fractured leg and was unable to work or look after their kids. I said "Oh that's real nice. I've been on bed rest for the past few weeks and I've been a frikkin' MEMBER of the congregation for the last 3 years, and NOBODY has lifted a finger for me." I basically told them where they could shove the lasagna dinner they wanted me to make for their bible study, and then they rudely said I was being selfish and uncaring before they hung up on me.

Just when what I needed was encouragement and support, what I got was my nose rubbed in the fact that they played favorites.... and that I wasn't a favorite.

sweet pea

Young love - my heart bleeds for you.

I have been through exactly what you're going through - one by one all my closest friends have withdrawn their friendship from me and my family - we thought they loved us unconditionally and I think they thought that too but they are under mind control and are to be pitied - they have not stopped loving you, they are very likely feeling the pain of the loss of you (one friend said to me I'd died and that she was grieving me).

If you openly criticise the org, you will get labelled an apostate - you are doing the right thing by being a vague as possible. But then I think you realise this.

You are about to experience a very painful time - who knows how long it will last - there are no shortcuts out of this unfortunately. However, you are experiencing the pain not only yourself but also on behalf of your children who will never have to go through the same pain and you will come out of this a stronger person.

Be prepared though. You may never see or speak to these friends ever again. They really have no ability to deal with anyone who stops going as it threatens their whole belief system and way of life. However, you will make new friends over time - maybe not as many, maybe huge amounts more but when you do these ones will like/love you for who you truly are and not for who they want you to be.

This site is an amazing place and I have been blessed with some very special relationships (one in particular) that I would gladly sacrifice quite a few of those conditional friendships for and I'm sure it will be the same for you in time.

(((younglove)))

Feel free to pm me if you need to chat.

Casper

I am sorry that happen to you… it can be very confusing.
I totally understand how you feel, just as many others here do.

I too had a really close friend, we did everything together, e-mailed a lot
during the day from work. I wrote her one day as usual, nothing out of the
ordinary, just chatty.

All I got back was a one word response… "Cool".

That was the last I ever heard from her. We never spoke or communicated
again. I did manage to speak to her husband for about 2 min. in a parking lot.
He said she felt as tho I had left "HER" ! Made no sense at all.

Really opened my eyes on the Conditional Friendship thing. I still have a hard
time getting close to people.

Cas

AudeSapere

younglove wrote: towards the end of our conversation she pretty much said "well, you know where I stand" and I took that as her way of ending our friendship.

I would probably have ended this particular conversation the same as you.

However, now that I've been out for so long and known the truth about the 'truth' a good response may have been: "(Quizically) No. I don't even know what you *mean* by 'where you stand'. What are you saying?".

Although difficult for you to actually hear the presumably harsh response, it will force her to verbalize her inane decision. By saying nothing and just accepting her stupid words, you make it easier on her.

Again, not a criticism - I would have done the same thing and hoped for the best. But maybe someone will read your experience and be ready with a comeback that makes the witless think.

*hugs* sorry you've lost a few companions for now...

-Denise.

Younglove1999

thanks everyone- I really appreciate your comments.

Denise- I totally understand what you're saying- I'm tempted to call her and just kind of act like our last phone call ended on a weird note and I wanted to see if everything was ok-

but then, I don't know if I want to hear her "condemnation"-

Thanks everyone though- A friend at work lost her father last night and I jsut started feelign melancholy about the drastic change in my social/family life and this flood of emotions came back- Sweetpea is right, I'm just in the beginning of this whole "thing" and it's the worst part- it'll get better.

sass_my_frass

Nah not naive, it's perfectly acceptable. These people have been our friends all our lives, we go through big stuff with them, and then the day you're not the spiritual rock they need to make them feel good about what they believe, instant rejection. The only thing I can suggest is the garybuss / Scully approach - you have to harden your heart and remind yourself that if they're not there for you, they're not real friends. Whether they ever were in the first place doesn't really matter. If their #1 criteria for loving you is that you affirm their faith, you're their co-priest, not their friend. It's the same with family. In the real world, a family is a bunch of people related by blood who are there for each other no matter what.

It hurts and feels very, very wrong, because it is. You can hope that one day they might come back to you, but the best thing you can do for yourself and your little family is to make new friends who don't need you to help them out with their faith.

Hortensia

same thing happened to me. From their point of view, you can't have it both ways - you're either with them or against them and that's all there is to it. From the outside, you'd think that adults could be friends in spite of different points of view, but not if some of the adults belong to a cult. You just go off and get involved in the world. Lots of nice people out here.

Vernon Williams

Young,

There is a price for freedom and you are beginning to pay this price. THIS, what you are going through, is a part of the process. Read the threads....it happens to almost anyone.

My advice: let it go as gently as possible.

Just let go.....

Let go....

That "lighter feeling:" you feel that way because you are not dragging a lot of dead weight, and, after you let it go, and look back: you will see how life-less it really was.

Let go.....

V

perhaps this is naive of me-

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