how was it for you.....

by Iron Rod 24 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

• 

  fresia

  I thought I was evil or a demon or Satan, I just felt like a failure or misfit.
• 

  journey-on

  Your childhood sounds like mine.

  The birth of my own children is the point where I began to fade out. I didn't want them raised like that. It is a terrible

  thing to constantly feel like you are being watched for every little thing you do. I had great parents. I loved them

  dearly and really can't condemn them for it. But, one of the things they used to say to me when I was misbehaving

  was: "Jehovah sees you. If you don't straighten up, you're going to be DESTROYED at Armageddon!"

  God, what a messed up group of people JWs are! They don't even know it.
• 

  anewme

  I was absolutely duped!
  
  I was recruited at 17 years of age while still attending high school.
  
  The year was 1972 and the witnesses, all of them, were "aglow with the spirit"!
  
  It was a crazy exciting time in the cult!
  
  Armageddon was imminent! 1975 was coming! Be busy in the Lord's work!
  
  I had no time for doubts.
  
  After a few years when the big A did not come, I was so wrapped up in the cult and so brainwashed and so invested in the people and lifestyle I just grabbed at any and all backsliding explanations they spewed
  to cover for their false prophecy.
  
  I did not escape until 2001 when I had a breakdown and was dfd.
  
  All I ever wanted was a happy family life like the pictures in their literature.
• 

  Miss 8572

  The guilt will pass. This year was the first year I skipped the assembly completely. I always skipped it mentally but this year I didn't even physically go. It felt great. I had pretty well the same experience as you. I'm pretty ticked about all the time I wasted as a child thinking/fearing the end of the world. The more you separate yourself the less guilt you feel. It's like a leech that sucks out every free thought, and ounce of happiness. It's sad but it's never too late to drop the guilt. I get what you're saying. You're not alone.
• 

  shopaholic

  This may sound odd but most of my serious doubts started to happen while "serving where the need is greater" in another country. It actually happened because of being in field service so much, I was like "Okay, Jehovah...would you please do something already...people are really in bad shape on this planet." Going out in service and talking about this wonderful God that has yet to take action because he wants to prove something to Satan. Okay...so why don't you take out Satan. Just kill him. If you're the Almighty you don't have anything to prove to anyone. Billions of people serve you, so what if they all call you by different names, you can read hearts, you know what they mean.

  When I saw the poverty that exists in the world and the millions of people that have no idea who Jehovah is...I was like wait a minute. Then I started to actually listen to myself as I preached to people, it didn't make sense. So I returned to the States and continued to pioneer and it still didn't make sense.

  Also, my world was shattered when I was around north american Gilead Missionaries that cursed like sailors. There excuse was that the locals couldn't understand. And it didn't help that I found a porn tape in a missionary home when I stayed there. I didn't go looking for it. They left me alone and said I could watch some videos while they were out. There was tape that had a big note on it, "Do Not Watch"..so of course...LOL...I put it in and I was in a state of shock. So I tried to rewind the tape to same place and put it back...LOL

  But like many, I went through a state of depression and "why am I alive there's no meaning to life" type of shock. But I'm MUCH BETTER now!
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  ex-nj-jw

  I really had to think about this one.

  I was raised in the dub organization, but I really can't say that I ever believed in it. I never felt the way most of you did, the love of Jehovah or the bible. I always thought I just wasn't a religious person. That I didn't need an old book to tell me how to be a good person or what the difference was between right and wrong. I hated everything about the Jdub for as long as I remember.

  I remember once when I was 6 years old, my mother was telling me about how Jehovah and Satan watched everything I did and that if I did something wrong Jehovah would turn his back on me and Satan would step in and make me continue to do bad things. Then I would die at armegedon (sp?) I remember sitting there trying to make sense of it. If God (Jehovah) loved me soooo much, why would he allow Satan to "get me"? I kept trying to figure out what I could have possibly done to make Jah angry with me in the first place? Where did this conversation come from? How did it start? What did I do or what did I not do? I just couldn't figure it out.

  When I got older I realized that this was a tool used to make me feel guilty and hopefully that guilt would keep me on the straight and narrow! How silly my parents were, this made me hate it more. I did nothing but rebel, every bit of WTBTS, bible, god, jehovah or whatever they fed me I promptly vomited right back at them. It made for a very miserable childhood and teenage years for me. I was my parents worst nightmare because I tried so hard to prove to myself that I wasn't a Jdub and would never be.

  I must be very emotional today because just typing this is making me cry, I feel so sad and I'm not sure why....
• 

  snowbird

  I must be very emotional today because just typing this is making me cry, I feel so sad and I'm not sure why....

  Oh, darling ex-nj-jw, go easy on yourself. And on your parents. We were doing what was expected of us. I did the same with my oldest daughter. Now, she's as crazy as a gecko. I've apologized for that, but the damage has been done.

  Here's a for you, too. There now, feel better? Peace and love to you.

  Sylvia
• 

  ex-nj-jw

  Thanks Sylvia,

  Not sure what got into me - I was fine, typing away and all of a sudden I got sad and all teary eyed. Then the flood gates opened

  Sheesh, talk about mental melt down! I think I feel better now.

  Sorry to hijack your thread back to topic now!

  nj
• 

  Narkissos

  Indeed, the "treacherous heart" button is a great mind-stopper. Once pressed it snaps you out of the most sensible and reasoned "doubt" instantly.

  When I started "studying" I questioned everything. I went to one meeting and forgot all my questions overnight.

  I was baptised at 13, and the next year I was already doubting it all. Stopped "field service," and openly renounced practically everything I had been "preaching" to my unfortunate schoolmates before.This lasted a few months, until one night at the KH I broke into tears, with only one idea in mind: I can't live without God.

  So that was it: I would run faster than my doubts. And practically I forgot them again. Next year I left high school to pioneer. Many times I fancied myself in the "householder"'s position, raising the objections that nobody actually raised. But that was just mind play. I wouldn't allow myself to doubt "seriously," even though I often felt that our "reasonings" were built upon thin ice. Fear and guilt, indeed, were stronger.

  It took me over 10 years and landing in Bethel to gradually let the fear and guilt evaporate. Jokes about WT "logic" were very common in Bethel, especially among translators who had to deal with it extensively. It was still mind play, but no longer lonely mind play. This generally produces resigned, cynical, sarcastic old Bethelites... or the odd "apostate" who, at a certain point, takes it seriously and walks out. I could very well have become the former; why I became the latter instead is rather mysterious, but I suppose it must happen once in a while.
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  AWAKE&WATCHING

  What CLAM said.