by ThomasCovenant 30 Replies latest jw experiences
Thomas,
I struggle with this all the time. I hate being a hypocrite, although a close family member who has faded calls it survival - I am in for my family.
My life would go horribly pearshaped if I came clean and I daresay I would not have my head greased with oil were I to say I no longer believed.
Therefore one must keep the status quo.
It's hard work walking both worlds, but I am pretty good at it now.
The WTS is ground zero for deceitfulness. Fading away from it lessens, not increases, deceit in all your endeavors.
Not at all I think it's a step up and off the ladder of deceit and corruption like so many other religions too
it unveils the opportunity to step on over to wisdom and knowledge something that proven to be much more
beneficial for mankind as well as the individual.
Many JW's would have others believe that they alone are Righteous and live in a world of Moral Absolutes. Yes, they'll admit to imperfection, but at least they're trying to live up to the perfect Black & White standards of God.
Say the words "Situation Ethics" around most dubs and you'll get a few lips curled back in a snarl. But as soon as you start delving a little deeper into any possible real-life moral dilemma scenarios, most people realize there's always a "what if" situation that turns a "Black/White" issue into Grey.
Example: Would you as a parent, intentionally kill your child?
Black & White answer is "Of course not."
With just a little bit of thought, I'm sure we can all come up with a few "Gray" scenarios where, in fact, we WOULD intentionally kill our child. They may be far-fetched, and hard to think about, but the scenarios do exist, IMHO.
Bottom Line: Everybody's gotta do what is best for their own unique situation.
But I think your thread is excellent food for thought. Thanks for posting it.
Open Mind
I was fortunate enough not to really require an all out "fade". Mine lasted only a few months, and the hints, (from me), came quickly and progressively.
This is not the case, for many, if not most ex-jws. If I learned one thing after leaving, it's that moral absolutes, (even with good principles, such as honesty), don't really exist. The principles behind them do, (it is generally good to be honest), and it is good to follow them. However, there is a fine line between being morally upright, in terms of honesty, and being fanatical, in terms of honesty's definition. The way I look at this, is like this, if the end result causes more hurt, (to self, others, etc), then maybe the best route is to keep the peace, and quietly fade, even if it involves a level of deception.
How far should one go, is anyones guess. Personally, I find it a bit hard to accept those who continue to "play the game", as they would as if a full-fledged dub, (i.e. still an elder, still giving talks, still in FS). But even then, who am I to have an opinion about their situation. I don't know the how's and why's, for their so doing.
j
Thomas:
I can agree that fading does require a measure of deceit. I am not comfortable with deceit because I am a very honest person but I have reconciled myself to the fact that there are no moral absolutes. I remember one thing: the whole concept of the religion is about bait&switch, etc. Isn't this deceit??? Why, on earth would you care? Get over it. You are far more moral than they are.
LHG
If I entered into a binding contract and later found out that I'd been 'had', I would not feel I was under any moral obligation to abide by it. To avoid further victimization I would get free of it by whatever method was most advantagous to me. If this involved useing guile and deceit so be it. In my case, when the penny dropped, I left about as subtly as a rhinocerous escaping a china shop. Family and friends were left to deal with it. This didn't mean I was indifferent about the consequences of my actions, I just couldn't play the game. But if someone can play the game and avoid or postpone collateral damage, they have my respect.
Edited to add: I think a line should be drawn when it comes to being involved in recruiting others, especially loved ones, like our children etc. I don't see how that could be justified by anyone who knew it was all garbage.
I don't think Fading is any more deceitful than trying to force yourself to do all the requirements to stay in "good standing" in the congregation. You can't even be honest with yourself. After I got out, I learned how truly honest my life was going to be.
If, and I stress if, we accept that fading will almost inevitably involve deceiving does that equate to being a liar? If so, might the damage that may occur to our consciences spill over to other aspects of our lives?
nope...........
i faded as quickly as possible........ i moved away from my old cong. then i got married out of state....... then i moved yet again to another state........... my family knew i wasnt going to the meetings because......... i DIDNT lie about that.
what i did do is leave it in their hands........... i didnt talk about it and i changed the subject when they brought up the typical witness bull crap.
one day my dad asked me directly if i was going to another church............ i evaded the question. he really didnt want to know.... so he didnt pursue.
my vocabulary gave me away because i didnt gush over jehovah......... i talked about god and jesus.
finally my sister and mother came and confronted me about it........
do you remember in the cult where they said you must always be prepared to make a defense for god to anyone who attacks............. i was always scared of that.
NOT ANYMORE. because i actually have a relationship with him which is much closer than anything the witlessness can contrive. i love him and he loves me. so when they asked me directly........... i said you dont really wanna know........... my heart pounding and chest constricting.......... mom woulda let it go buy my sis is even more brainwashed that she is......... so she said ........ i think i do.
so i told them about their so called religion.
fear left me.
words came to me.
just like the dubs say happens when HOLY SPIRIT is upon you...........
i told them as nicely as i could and pointed out things and refused to speak on doctrine. told them they were in a false religious orginazation and should get out.
of course there is no where else to go right............. wrong told them about that as well
i wont lie.............. not for that cult. but i will have absolutely no problems misleading or evadeing question........ or playing dumb.
if i were to lie then i would basicly be saying to god that i didnt love him enough to make that defense for his name and that simply wont do.
I was never one who intended live a double life as a JW.
I never fudged on my time reports.
I lived as best as I could what I preached.
Sometimes I slipped.
The one time I tried to Aux. Pioneer and fell short of the hours, I conceded that I wasn't cut out for it as I ashamedly turned in my slip. Many months I had no time to turn in. That was the beginning of the end, as my heart no longer was in it.
When my own crisis of conscience emerged, I stopped attending.
I couldn't be there knowing how I felt in my heart.
I faded for 10 years, those close enough to care knew where I was in my heart.
Eventually, the fade alone wasn't enough for me. Part of me had to tiptoe in the shadows, hoping *someone* wouldn't discover who I really was. I realized I wasn't honoring myself and it hacked away at my integrity.
I had to admit my truth to my parents because it was a bigger burden not to. They are the only people in the JW world that I feel I owe some kind of explanation to of what happened to me. And doing so freed a part of me that I am still processing. My experience is still fresh and not over yet: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/9/143783/1.ashx
It takes way too much energy to save other people's feelings.
I feel better sleeping at night.
These are the shoes I walk in. And right now they fit.
alias
