I know in this current climate of hoaxes this may not be received well. I don't really care. I'm real and what I'm about to say is real. I'm just not sure how to process it. So some outside perspective might be helpful. Thats where you come in.
I got a phone call earlier in the week from my cousin who is really the only sane member of my father's family. My dad for almost my entire life has been in and out of jail, on and off drugs. He started so well. Then the 80's and crack, etc. He had been on a binge and went to jail. There in jail he tested positive for HIV. I have no idea the validity of this because as anyone knows junkies lie. Assuming that its the truth I don't really feel anything. I mean I love my dad. He gave me some great formative years. He taught me a trade, played with me and loved me well. He tries. Since then we have had a mixed bag. He is more like my younger brother or my child. When I let him live with me once he stole my beloved bass guitar that his father bought for me before he died. My dad pawned it to do a drug deal. I've seen him hit his wife, steal, lie and generally burn bridges and hurt everyone around him. He once told me that he didn't know how to have friends and that I was the closest thing he had to one. I just try to accept him as he is: a person with a disease that doesn't want to heal from it. Thats okay with me. Its his choice. I just love him when he lets me and do the best any son who worshipped his father can to guard my heart.
I don't know how to feel about it all. I don't want anyone to suffer or die but I'm just getting my life to where I need it to be. I don't have it in me to take care of someone else. I just don't. At the same time, whether it sounds cold or not, whether or not my father lives or dies my life is unaffected. But he birthed me so I should feel something, shouldn't I?
