You're encountering what every single woman who's had an affair with a married man has encountered, Serena. An affair is a win-win situation for the bloke; he has his wife who raises his children and cooks and cleans for him, etc. who waits at home for him, and he has his lover who allows him to feel a whole lot of passion and adrenalin he probably hasn't experienced for a while in his day to day marriage routine. The lover always hopes that he will leave his wife and marry her, but when push comes to shove, the deck is totally stacked against her; the husband doesn't want to totally ruin his life, lose his kids, so even if the affair comes to light, he'll seek the forgiveness of his wife and jettison the lover. Your boyfriend is playing the same game; he is "married" to the Watchtower, he draws his identity from it and is loyal to it. You represent a way to have his cake and eat it - you help him meet his physical needs but your status as an outsider puts less pressure on him to do the right thing about your relationship. If found out he can show suitable repentance and be reconciled to the Org, while you are left out in the cold; he'll drop you in a second if he has to choose between the passion he feels with you and the security he feels with the Org. Many women feel they can reform men, but it rarely works. Your best chance at reforming him is not going to his house at night and asking him if he will do the right thing and openly acknowledge your relationship to his family and friends. If he doesn't then it's not you he loves, but the feelings he get's while with you.
ARE WE FRIENDS OR ARE WE MORE?
by Serena 28 Replies latest social relationships
-
-
COMF
Like what you're doing, hiding your relationship? Sneaking over after dark? Can't let any of his friends know you exist? Can't be seen together in the daylight? Surriptitious sex with dumptruck-loads of guilt accompanying it?
If this is what you want your relationship to be, then carry on.
Let me venture a guess... you aren't using any protection, are you.
COMF
-
Andee
Serena, my dear,
I'm guessing you are in your early 20's?
What the hell do I think? What do I do?
I hope you are thinking about what Steph and Comp posted. Think REAL HARD , because, babe, you are NOT thinking now.
What would I do in your situation?
1. STOP having sex with him.
2. ONLY see him in public places.
3. DO NOT waver from 1 and 2
Be strong, girlfriend, you will have the answer to your original post question faster than you can say.."Watchtower Bible and Tract Society".
Andee
-
HappyHeathen
Serena,
If, at some point in this relationship, you consider "converting" to Jehovah's Witnesses, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, do some objective research on this religion first. You have no idea what you are getting yourself into by getting involved with this man. Whatever way it goes, you will wind up with a broken heart.I urge you to read posts on this website extensively and take a look at the freeminds.org and silentlambs sites. Please think hard and long about what you are beginning with this relationship and possible ramifications (ie., raising a family) or just how much your life will change if you agree to convert to this religion.
Good luck, Serena.
HH -
howdydoody
OK- Serena could be me. I was in a "relationship" with a disfellowshiped JW for over 3 years. We met at work (a resturant) and I instantly felt an attraction (as did he). He was not disfellowshiped at the time, but had just moved to my town after his fiance died from Parkinsen's at 25--LONG STORY. He was 26 and I was 23 when we started "dating".
We became fast friends, and he was up-front about his former fiance and the fact that he was a JW. (BTW-I am a "recovering" Lutheran and am not practicing.) After 6 months of talking on the phone and spending many hours having fun and goofing off in and out of work, we began sleeping together. I had told myself from the beginning that my family would not approve of me dating a JW and I knew his family (both parents and rest of family JW through and through- parents divorced though) would really not approve of me.
Here is where I get confused. After 2 years of a great relationship- (I thought) doing everything that couples do (in the middle of the 2 years, he is disfellowshiped- not due to me) I got a new job about 4 hours away in a big city. He has NO AMBITION and has not changed jobs from the place we met 2 years before - even though he has a new degree- and he starts running hot and cold with me. "2 steps forward- 5 back"- is what I called it to my friends.
I wanted him to move to the big city with me and "start a new page in our relationship". I would ask him about our relationship and he would say I want to marry you I want to move with you- and make me feel SO GOOD about everything. They he would not speak to me for 5 days. I would silently fume and wonder what I HAD DONE to make him upset with me. And round and round we would go. This is how it was for about 6 months. I couldn't take it any longer. Fast forward to me moving to the big city without him.
His parents live in the south- he is living in the midwest. We talk on the phone every night for HOURS and he reminds me how much he misses me every night. I try to talk to him about how he feels about me and our relationship- he turns cold and pissy. I (of course- AGAIN) think I have done something wrong- AGAIN. I have never in my life felt so CRAZY. I literally was contimplating going to a shrink because I thought I was the problem.
He decides he needs to move back "closer to his family becuase they are his support system" I am TOTALLY against this move... I will not go into details but his family is NUTSO! Not a good childhood for him, lets just say that. Anyway, he finally decides to come visit me about 4 months after I moved.
We have a great time. My new friends tell me that they have never seen anyone (him) look at someone with so much love and "committment" in their eyes. His last night here he tells me he has a huge decision to make- to move here, (becuase I make him so happy and he feels safe with me) or to move to another city to be closer to other friends. We talked about 2 weeks after he left, and he told me he made his choice- he was moving closer to other friends. We got into a fight, and I told him to grow up and learn to treat me with respect. Well, it is 10 months after that last call and I have not heard from him. Through friends I have heard that he is still living with his dad, still working at a dead end job making peanuts and not using his degree, and he has started abusing pot. For the last 10 months I have been beating myself up for being a horrible "friend" to him, and telling myself that it is my fault that he doesn't want talk to me.
Here is my problem: I miss him horribly and still love him more than ever. After reading the comments on this board, I realize that others have gone though the same "hot-cold" and am learning (SLOWLY) that this was NOT MY FAULT.
Any advice on how to get over this?
thanks in advance.
ap
PS:This is a post Serena made-- this is almost EXACTLY how my relationship started.... It hurts my heart to read this..... You are not gonna believe this...I went to his apartment monday night, and he made the move on ME!!!!! It was the most incredible, most passionate night of my life. He touched me in places I never been touched before. It seemed like a fantasy. He said he wanted to wake up beside me in the morning. I was in ecstasy! Then the next day he said that we couldn't do that anymore, that he couldn't live with himself mentally if he allowed it to happen again. Well, he called me that night and asked me to come over that he had a surprise for me, well, me not being able to say no to him, went over for another night of bliss. Then again the next day, guess what he said??????????? That we can't, and if he gets weak for me to resist his temptation. Hello, I can't say no to him, I am in love with him now more than ever.
He still wants to go to that movie with me, and now he's talking about going to malls, book stores, zoo's, so of course I am again confused. What the hell do I think? What do I do? He wants me to come over again tonight, it's 11 pm.
Somebody help me!!!! -
howdydoody
OK- Serena could be me. I was in a "relationship" with a disfellowshiped JW for over 3 years. We met at work (a resturant) and I instantly felt an attraction (as did he). He was not disfellowshiped at the time, but had just moved to my town after his fiance died from Parkinsen's at 25--LONG STORY. He was 26 and I was 23 when we started "dating".
We became fast friends, and he was up-front about his former fiance and the fact that he was a JW. (BTW-I am a "recovering" Lutheran and am not practicing.) After 6 months of talking on the phone and spending many hours having fun and goofing off in and out of work, we began sleeping together. I had told myself from the beginning that my family would not approve of me dating a JW and I knew his family (both parents and rest of family JW through and through- parents divorced though) would really not approve of me.
Here is where I get confused. After 2 years of a great relationship- (I thought) doing everything that couples do (in the middle of the 2 years, he is disfellowshiped- not due to me) I got a new job about 4 hours away in a big city. He has NO AMBITION and has not changed jobs from the place we met 2 years before - even though he has a new degree- and he starts running hot and cold with me. "2 steps forward- 5 back"- is what I called it to my friends.
I wanted him to move to the big city with me and "start a new page in our relationship". I would ask him about our relationship and he would say I want to marry you I want to move with you- and make me feel SO GOOD about everything. They he would not speak to me for 5 days. I would silently fume and wonder what I HAD DONE to make him upset with me. And round and round we would go. This is how it was for about 6 months. I couldn't take it any longer. Fast forward to me moving to the big city without him.
His parents live in the south- he is living in the midwest. We talk on the phone every night for HOURS and he reminds me how much he misses me every night. I try to talk to him about how he feels about me and our relationship- he turns cold and pissy. I (of course- AGAIN) think I have done something wrong- AGAIN. I have never in my life felt so CRAZY. I literally was contimplating going to a shrink because I thought I was the problem.
He decides he needs to move back "closer to his family becuase they are his support system" I am TOTALLY against this move... I will not go into details but his family is NUTSO! Not a good childhood for him, lets just say that. Anyway, he finally decides to come visit me about 4 months after I moved.
We have a great time. My new friends tell me that they have never seen anyone (him) look at someone with so much love and "committment" in their eyes. His last night here he tells me he has a huge decision to make- to move here, (becuase I make him so happy and he feels safe with me) or to move to another city to be closer to other friends. We talked about 2 weeks after he left, and he told me he made his choice- he was moving closer to other friends. We got into a fight, and I told him to grow up and learn to treat me with respect. Well, it is 10 months after that last call and I have not heard from him. Through friends I have heard that he is still living with his dad, still working at a dead end job making peanuts and not using his degree, and he has started abusing pot. For the last 10 months I have been beating myself up for being a horrible "friend" to him, and telling myself that it is my fault that he doesn't want talk to me.
Here is my problem: I miss him horribly and still love him more than ever. After reading the comments on this board, I realize that others have gone though the same "hot-cold" and am learning (SLOWLY) that this was NOT MY FAULT.
Any advice on how to get over this?
thanks in advance.
ap
PS:This is a post Serena made-- this is almost EXACTLY how my relationship started.... It hurts my heart to read this..... You are not gonna believe this...I went to his apartment monday night, and he made the move on ME!!!!! It was the most incredible, most passionate night of my life. He touched me in places I never been touched before. It seemed like a fantasy. He said he wanted to wake up beside me in the morning. I was in ecstasy! Then the next day he said that we couldn't do that anymore, that he couldn't live with himself mentally if he allowed it to happen again. Well, he called me that night and asked me to come over that he had a surprise for me, well, me not being able to say no to him, went over for another night of bliss. Then again the next day, guess what he said??????????? That we can't, and if he gets weak for me to resist his temptation. Hello, I can't say no to him, I am in love with him now more than ever.
He still wants to go to that movie with me, and now he's talking about going to malls, book stores, zoo's, so of course I am again confused. What the hell do I think? What do I do? He wants me to come over again tonight, it's 11 pm.
Somebody help me!!!! -
simplesally
isn't this an old old thread?
-
Odrade
Looks like, but it's an interesting old, old thread. And considering the neverending "could it work" relationship questions, relevant I think.
My take? I was that JW in a "non-relationship" with a poor guy. Hot-cold-hot-cold. I treated him so badly mostly over the JW issue. At that point in time I still though it was the "truth" and knew I was going back, so would never put a name to the relationship. Ugh. This is all so typical. Recipe for heartbreak. He eventually moved out of state primarily to make a clean and "easy" break with me.
AP, please do whatever you have to, to free yourself from this. He will break your heart, he is using you. Even if he does love you, he is still tied to his religion, and that will be stronger. Trust me. I'm sorry for your pain.
Odrade
-
little1
I have been out of touch for awhile and know this is an old thread, but, dear, let me tell you that I rode that merry-go-round for 3 years! Hot cold, I love you, I can't see you. It tore my heart out and I'm still bleeding. Don't get sucked in. Why do they do this? Who knows? It's so wrong to try to keep a toe in and the rest of the body out. I feel your pain, it's awful.((hugs))
little1
-
Elsewhere
It sounds like he is bend between his feelings for you and the guilt that was programmed into him by the organization.
He's trying to ride the fence. This never works. He needs to either go with the organization or with his feelings for you.