Well, I have been reading and lurking around this site for a little bit now. In truth I have a friend that is a Christian and he has tried to get me to look at sites like this for the past 10 months. I have always refused as it is all "apostate run" and just "packed with lies". I kept telling him the only people who talk on these forums are people who have been d'fed and have a hate on for the WTS. I can't believe how wrong I was. This site is filled with people who truly love god and see him for what he must be LOVE not rules and regiment. I can't believe how close most of you are to the same feelings I have been having. I thought maybe I could take this time to write my story and hopefully some of you very intelligent people can help me with this difficult period in my life.
Firstly, like most I was raised a good little JW girl. My dad is an elder and I got baptized when I was 12 (age of understanding I suppose considering I am now 32 and still do not understand).
Anyways, I am very intelligent and was accepted full scholorship to a law university. However, as my parents would say it is not the place for a witness and you do not need an education like that as the end wil be here before you can use it. So I went to work at social services and regular aux pio. When I was 19 I was kidnapped at gun point by a man that stalked me for months. He locked me in my own basement and killed my dog show me what would happen if I got away. He was a very smooth talker and told my parents that I did not want to talk to them and that we were going to get married. I was of course d'fed within 2 weeks. I did escape and went to my parent's home they would not help me as they felt I was just making up a story to escape punishment. In fact, when this man showed up at their home my dad insisted that I go with him to figure this all out. This man then handcuffed me to the back seat of my car and drove me 2000 miles from my home and family. During the next 3 years I would try to contact my parents on occasion (from women's shelters and the like) and my mom would hang up on me stating I was d'fed and she had to do as Jehovah (she meant organization) told her to. This man was extremely abusive and eventually he beat me to the point that I was in coma for 3 months (he is now serving a life sentence for attempted murder and kidnapping of me). The only help I ever received was from my "worldly" friends and acquaintances. Shortly following my recovery I became pregnant with my son and decided that it was time to do what had to be done so that he could know his family. So I returned home and because I was in the process of getting reinstated my family was allowed to talk to me. Shortly after I got reinstated I married a "worldly" man that I knew so I was never considered "good association". When I became pregnant with my daughter he decided that he was going to return to his ex-wife. Well after the "scriptural divorce" my parents insisted that I marry this witness brother because then everything would be fine. Still being the obediant little girl I did as they wanted. I moved about 500 miles away to be with him, new cong. etc. Well 3 years into the marriage I realized that he was just never going to change I tried to work with him according to bible standards etc but he was terribly emotionally abusive to my 2 children. They were shells of themselves and eventually I decided that I could not deal with that anymore and left. We have been apart now for almost a year and he continues to insist that I have to get back with him as I do not have "Scriptural grounds for divorce". Shortly after the separation I had him arrested for break and entering into my home and when it came time for court there he was with the elders by his side.
Well after the separation I stopped going to meetings and a few months later was diagnosed with cancer and had to go through surgery and chemo. How many times do you think my brothers and sisters or the elders called to see if I was alright or needed anything NONE even though they were all very aware of my circumstances. Then after I recovered a rumor started to spread that I had a boyfriend. THE DAY the elders heard the rumor I had 3 phone calls asking about it....Talk about angry and they have the nerve to tell me that all my "worldly" friends that cared for my children, helped pay for my medication, brought me to my doctors appointments, called me everyday, stayed with me while I was so sick and still love and truly care for me are not as valuable in god's eyes as those hypocrites. I call BS
Well a few months ago I had my d'fed sister and her baby move in with me as she was leaving a physically abusive relationship. My dad proceeds to tell me that I will have to have her move out if I want favour in God's eyes. Maybe he forgot that Jesus said "let them come to me, all those who are toiled down".
Now this past Sunday I had "the visit" by the elders and I felt that I should address my concerns as to the apparent lack of love. Insisting of course that I do love Jehovah and Jesus deeply but I do not understand certain things with the organization. But they were more interested in making me weep uncontrollably and saying that I was sounding like an apostate (I guess they were upset that they couldn't find any moral grounds to d'f me again) Then I walked away and they started on my sister. I suppose it makes them feel very important that they can make to girls cry. So now I figure that I fit in with all the rest of you "apostates". You know that has the root word apostle which I feel most of you are closer to being then anyone I have met through the WTBS.
My dilemma lays in my relationship with my parents. I do not want them to cut off all communication with me and my children as they are family and I do love them. However, I am so frightened for them as I can see the cult they are still so actively involved in and just wish I could show them that loving God isn't equivalant to loving the organization. But if I say anything.... you know... It's like being a kid that is supposed to be seen and not heard... Just behave and stay in line right? I don't think the narrow road Jesus was refering to was their narrow minds and I really don't want to live forever when the only man I will ever be allowed to be with is an emotionally abusive, depressed and suicidal individual that I do not care for.
Well I suppose I have blathered on long enough. I just wanted to let you know who I am and to say thanks for all the loving and kind advice that most of you ex-JW's seem to have. Hugs to you all for making me feel I am not alone.