by BIG D 27 Replies latest jw friends
I HAVE BEEN IN ALL MY LIFE, IM A FADER, FATHER, ELDER, I WAS MS FOR 5 YEARS, RAISING MY 3 BOYS ALONE FOR 4 YEARS , SINGLE, BROUGHT MANY PEOPLE IN JW, ALL OF MY FAMILY IN, I KNOW ITS FAKE, BUT I WENT TO MY SONS GAME AND WHEN THE ANTHEM CAME ON, I WOULDNT PUT MY HAND ON MY HEART, AND THEN LOOKED AROUND TO SEE IF ANYONE SAW ME, WHEN WILL THESE GUILTY FEELINGS GO AWAY?
BIG D
Big D-
It's different for everyone. Give it time. It's terribly hard to shake our conditioning, so just try to be patient with yourself, and move at a pace that's comfortable for you.
One important thing is, try to make some new friends. If you've been a witness your whole life, and then you're not, you'll find yourself quite alone in the world. I think this is why so many people stay when they'd really rather run! So, try to forge friendships with some positive people.
Take care,
~Insomniac
You cannot make the experiences of an entire life disappear just like that. Insomniac put it so well. Give yourself some time. Be gentle with yourself. Your mind has been through a lot. Focus on the beauty and freedom of your new life. Easier said than done. But you will get there, one day at a time.
And a warm welcome to this forum. You will find people here who have gone through very difficult times. But most of all, you will find good people who are more than willing to help and encourage you in the right direction. Because they have been there...
I dont know when, but I can promise you it gets better eventually.
After a while, it might be a few years, you start feeling like a regular person, and you suddenly realise you have the freedom to choose what you think about things. Sometimes you even decide that you agree with something you did as a JW - like I probably still wouldnt want blood if I could at all avoid it, but this time its my choice not a religious one (and also I wouldnt be overwhelmed with guilt if i was told I had to have it or die, id just have it and think 'you cant win em all').
You are obviously a devoted dad, and nothing can take away that. Dont let the guilt spoil that fact.
Plus - In My Opinion - I think theres as much pressure and guilt to do the national anthem thing from non JW's as there is not to do it from JW's.
Its your choice, no-one has the right to guilt you either way (sorry if thats not very patriotic of me). If I learned one thing from being a JW its that regular people are under as much pressure to conform as JW's are, but they just dont realise it.
Big D...First of Welcome to JWD....It can be a lifeline to reality and great therapy.
Secondly, it would help me if you explained what you feel guilty about. Guilt is so counterproductive for just about anything, yet I have lived with it for soooooooooo long, and of course WT is the LORD MASTER of guilt inducement.
I have already pm'd you by the way. I think I saw earlier you said you were missing your family and yet you are a technically stillin fader like me, and that is ONLY due to wife/fam/4 friends in.
Share some more.....and hang in there....I am amazed that as whacked out and unstable as I have been for two years....I am starting to really feel better now....see clearer skies ahead....and plan on getting off all my meds sooon I hope.......oompa
HEY OOMPA, WHAT IS PMD?
I AM NEW SO I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
I CAN ONLY GUESS, I HAVE ALWAYS FELT WHAT I WAS DOIN WAS GOOD, OR RIGHT, AND IF I STRAYED, OR THOUGHT DIFFERENT I WAS NOT BEING GOOD, MY MOM ALWAYS SAID JEHOVAH IS WATCHING YOU!
I GUESS I FEEL HE IS WATCHING ME, I KNOW THAT IS STUPID, THOUGH.
I HAVE LONG KNOWN THAT MANY OF THE DOCTRINES ARE FALSE, I GAVE MANY PUBLIC TALKS AND CONDUCTED SEVERAL BOOKSTUDIES, AND AS I WAS GIVING THEM, I KNEW IT WAS FALSE. BIG D
Greetings and Welcome!
I think that the guilt started to slip when I found I was really enjoying life for the FIRST TIME, not watching what I was saying and thinking every minute of the day and got away from people who were doing the same. Both my husband and I made new friends and began associating with new people, and found we really listened to how they felt and saw how they lived and we stopped judging them, then stopped judging ourselves.
You mention going to your son's game, which is a naughty to JWs, but how important is that you as a parent and to your son!!! WT has the 'seen/not heard/pioneered' mentality about children, rather than loved/guided/prepared.
Also, when I realized that we will not live forever, as I was programmed to think (the belief tells you that you can and should put off indefinitely what brings you satisfaction ), I started to grasp the meaning of life to an extent, that we should be happy and enjoying our loved ones and feeling satisfaction from what we do, because life is short, and that makes it all the more precious.
The only thing that makes it better is more knowledge. Just as you studied every day and pounded "The Truth" into your head, now you have to relearn what reality is. Religious beliefs are embedded right there next to the thing that makes you freak out in a dark alley if a thug is walking towards you with an agressive look. When you try to change them, your mind thinks you are trying to kill it, that's where those reactions start.
Read all you can on how your mind works and also how it is you came to believe as you do. Mind control, cult dynamics, and history will all have pieces of the whole puzzle for you.
In addition, you may want to consider relocating if you haven't already, It takes a load off knowing that you aren't being watched.
Good luck,
WLG
THANKS ALL, I GUESS BEING ONE WAY ALL MY LIFE , AND NOW BEING ANOTHER IS A MINDSET,
ITS ALMOST LIKE IM TRYING TO PEPROVE MYSELF, I STILL FEEL BAD ABOUT BEING ON HERE,
I DONT WANT MY KIDS TO FEEL LIKE THIS, SO IM NOT TAKING THEM ANYMORE, I STILL PRAY WITH THEM, I FEEL A LOSS OF SOME KIND, MAKE SENSE?
