"For a marriage to work it takes two people pulling together and being there for each other, committed to the marriage "
This is so true. (And I should know. I have been married 3 times, LOL)
Threefold Cord in Witness Marriages- It's Not Enough to Make Marriage Work
by flipper 20 Replies latest jw friends
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James Free
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jgnat
Great topic, Mr. Flipper, and great insights. I particularly enjoyed your list of relationship skills that we need to make our marriages work. Divorce and marriage are a long-term interest of mine, as I spent twenty years single and part of a divorce group between my two marriages. I've quizzed happy couples and I read studies on what makes a happy marriage.
I empathized yesterday reading some posters who are still married to witnesses , say, " The only thing my wife/ husband and I had in common was the fact we were witnesses. " So therein lies I feel a lot of the problem.
I suspect in most marriages there are other attractors we may not even be aware of. Before an exiting witness gives up on their partner, I think it is worth their time to consider their partner's base personality. Learning to bring out their natural personality has the added benefit of introducing their partner to the wider world outside the Witnesses. Now, if the base personality is a selfish, nasty person, you have to wonder why try keeping it together?
I found Canadian statistics to be quite revealing. The highest risk of divorce happens in the first four years of marriage, and steadily drops after that. Also, the divorce rate is dropping. Statiticians speculate this is because couples are waiting later to tie the knot. Watching my own children mature from their early to late twenties, I think most people settle down to their base personality and values during this period. Marry too young, and you might just find yourself married to a stranger. Since the Watchtower rules push young people in to early marriage, they are likely pushing them in to a higher incidence of incompatibility and divorce.
http://www.statcan.ca/Daily/English/040504/d040504a.htm
One of the best predictors of not getting a divorce," Amato says, "is owning a house. Buying a house is a representation of commitment. People are reluctant to sell it. It's hard to divide. Irrespective of family income, to be in the process of buying or paying off a house is stabilizing."
A strong risk factor, on the other hand, is what Booth and Amato call "intergenerational transmission of divorce." Says Amato, "If your parents were divorced, it's twice as likely that your own marriage will end in divorce. It's one of the strongest risk factors, actually."
"A marriage is a hard thing to maintain," Booth concludes. "The only thing that's harder is raising children." Alan Booth, Ph.D.
By the way, my pastor in his standard marriage speech said that faith in God is no guarantee for a successful marriage. He likened it to the warranty on his luggage. The warranty covered the frame only and did not cover rips, tears, burst seams or zippers. So he likened a Christian marriage as having a sturdy frame and the couple have to work on maintaining and repairing the rest. I'm pretty sure that pastors and elders of every kind and faith spend a lot of time counselling couples. After all, who else in our lives do we voluntarily commit to spend nearly all our waking, non-working moments with? At work at least, all we are required to be is civil.
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carla
"But there is a big difference between having "Jehovah" in a marriage and having the entire BOE and GB in bed with you."--- Ain't that the truth!!!!! I would only add that you forgot the entire cong when an elder or ms know something, EVERYBODY does! damn perverts.
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sass_my_frass
I imagine that having a Jehovah in a marriage would be like having a makebelieve friend who presents to one as the all-guiding counsellor and to the other as the invisible dragon father-in-law from hell.
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ronin1
My husband and I have been married now for 13 years. No, its not that long but it allows you to experience many issues that arise in life.
When we got engaged, we were both active JW's in good standing- aux pioneers and on the building construction team. We waited for weeks before we told anyone in the cong we were dating. Only two persons close to us knew. When we finally told members of the congregation they were shocked and surprised because we kept it such a secret.
Needless to say, the elders and everyone one wanted to get into our business, have talks with us about being moral, helping out with the wedding (so they could be invited), etc.
Fast forward to the wedding date getting closer. I let the bethelite elder (good friend of my husband) who was going to give our marriage talk know that once my husband and I got married, they (the elders) were not going to be in our personal maritial business. He was shocked that I, a sister, said that to him. But I meant it.
I also told him what I wanted the theme of our marriage talk to be centered on, that if he took more than 30 minutes on the KH stage giving our marriage talk that I was going to walk off the stage and go to the courthouse and get married. And he knew I was serious.
The point, my husband and I kept the elders and many others in the congregation out of our personal and maritial business.
I feel what keeps a marriage together are common interests and hobbies , respectful intimacy between both partners, working together financially, united front when raising children, understanding each other's need for "space", humor, tackling problems that arise and not tackling or fighting each other, and yes if both partners have the same spiritual interests-that helps. But that is not a panecea for a healthy and stable marriage. Respect for each partner's religious beliefs or non-beliefs are essential.
That being said, as partners get older, their interests and goals may change, which includes spiritual interests and goals. I stopped going to the meetings before my husband decided to stop going regularly. So we learned through dialog to respect each other's decision and not push our feelings or ideas on each other. We never stopped each other from going or not going, and we did compromise on attending the meetings, assemblies, etc. Marriage is day-to-day compromises by both partners. So adjustment is key to remaining married.
I firmly feel that a belief in even the basics of spirituality is essential in a marriage, but all the other factors are also necessary to make it work.
Note: There a many persons that are not affliliated with any organized religionm but their marriages have lasted for decades. It's how partners respect, treat one another , and grow personally that will determine in the end if their marriage lasts.
Ronin1
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jgnat
Ronin, I would challenge you on one point only. Thirteen years is a big accomplishment! How many employees stick with the same employer that long?
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ronin1
Ignat:
Yes, but when I compare our 13 years to so many other couples together for 20, 30, 40, and 50 years- our 13 years pale in comparison.
The proof in the pudding will be when we reach 70 or 80 (smile) , right now we are 50 and 51 respectively.
Thanks,
Ronin1
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truthsetsonefree
I empathized yesterday reading some posters who are still married to witnesses , say, " The only thing my wife/ husband and I had in common was the fact we were witnesses. " So therein lies I feel a lot of the problem. Most books on relationships, psychologists, and relationship counselors today feel that to make a good relationship work between men and women, there needs to be mutual respect for one another, and common emotional skills of dealing with other people , similar interests in life, common goals, much sense of humor, ability to make each other laugh, and ability to laugh at oneself too. Good communication skills and supporting one another through hard times and good. Understanding our partners vulnerabilities, but not berating them for it, but empathizing with them to help them understand themselves. It takes awareness of their sexual needs, and the love and unselfishness to please that other person and look out for their needs.
So, I could go on and on, but you get the point. For a marriage to work it takes two people pulling together and being there for each other, committed to the marriage , and not committed more to an organization which tells you your marriage comes second to your relationship with God. If all people have is just a similar religious belief , how will they keep it together if they were not a good match in the first place? Some people just are so different in their likes, dislikes, values, morals, and have nothing in common, that it may be more work , perhaps too much work to ever make it work for them. So what's my point? Make sure if you choose a prospective marriage mate or partner , choose carefully so they don't drive you crazy the rest of your life. Choose someone you feel really comfortable in really being yourself with, and you don't have to pretend to be someone you're not. If you choose based on common interests and same values in life , you probably will find your right match. it took me 46 years to find my right match, but when I did, there was no question about it.
Gosh, do you actually know me. This is SOOOO right on. And I am in a divorce because of it.
Isaac
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flipper
WT WIZARD- Yes, I know what you mean, I wouldn't want Jehovah looking over my shoulder either at what I was doing in the bedroom ! He might learn too much from me ! LOL!
JAMES- I feel for you. I was married 3 times too ! Finally got it right on marriage number 3 though ! You know what they say, " Three times is a charm ! "
JGNAT- Thanks for the kind words and compliment . I've done a lot of research on this subject too ! If a partner is selfish , nasty, and unkind, it won't work in a witness or not witness marriage like you say. I really liked your comment, " since the watchtower rules push young people into early marriages , they are likely pushing them into a higher incidence of imcompatibility and divorce, " I agree. People need to mature and know themseves before they can know and help a mate.
CARLA- Yeah, I've been there done that ! I've felt before that my bedroom habits were on display for the entire governing body and elders too ! I'm kinky, but I'm not THAT kinky ! LOL! .
SASS MY FRASS- Whether Jehovah was in my marriage or not, I'd still be the head, not him.
RONIN 1- Oh my gawd! Beautifully expressed ! Mrs. Flipper and I totally agree with your views, and you are totally right on with all your takes !
TRUTH SETS US FREE- Good to hear from you, buddy ! I'm sorry you are going through a divorce . I'll pm you soon. Peace. Peace out to all, Mr. Flipper
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flipper
It's important to see what makes relationships work. So I enjoy all your replies. And yes, It's more than good sex to make it work ! But that helps a lot too ! So give me your serious thoughts on this really ! Peace out, Mr. Flipper