of that warm and fuzzy feeling after a long day of field service

inkling

(this story fits a late 90's me) --- It's a dreary grey afternoon and the last desperate drops of rain are splattering themselves against the window of the small town cafe. I stare into the bottom of my coffee and swirl the speckled dark grounds into a tiny hurricane in a pale chipped cup and smile. The sisters across from me are laughing. Something about a bluebird. Or maybe it was another good natured Polish joke. Sometimes I zone out during this part. In a few minutes we will pay for our coffee and under-tip the waitress who is glaring at us from the corner of the kitchen where she holds a stained but warm glass pot with a blaze orange handle. She only pretends to like us coming here, and she wouldn't even do that if she had a better set of customers to choose from, but it is 3:30 on a Wednesday afternoon and she has to take what she can get, even if all she gets is three dull quarters and a brightly painted picture of a panda sitting on the other side of a page holding a string of feel-good words. I wonder if she wonders if the panda would pay her rent and take her kids to the ear doctor if she asked him nicely enough. As we gather our coats and head for the door, I am suddenly stuck with the distinct awareness that we have accomplished exactly nothing all day. One mud puddle, two polish jokes, three return visits, four hours, 13 doors, and zero impact. Even the few people who didn't ignore us were just pretending to be nice because the lessons they learned growing up included the one where when you feel like being a jerk you should lie because Jesus is watching you, and doesn't like jerks. Or liars, for that matter. The strangest thing is that even as I honestly admit to myself that from a practical perspective I have done NOTHING worth while all afternoon... I feel good. I simply have this warm and fuzzy feeling of a job well done, which is totally irrational considering I haven't even done a job, say nothing about well. And yet, when I get home and find a bag of doritos and log in to whatever online role playing game I happen to be addicted to at the moment, I feel I have discharged some vital responsibility, and hence enjoy my evening of hedonistic escapism to the full without a hint of guilt. Faced with no other explanation, I decide the sense of fulfillment, meaning and well-being must be a gift from God. Looking back, This is the reason I went out the week before, and it is the reason I would continue to go out for many more years worth of weeks. Even in the face of doubts this feeling of warm satisfaction would drive me to keep "dosing" myself with field service. Am I alone? [inkling]

exwitless

Inkling-that was very well written. You should be a journalist.

Yes, I totally relate to that feeling of wasting a whole miserable day, yet somehow feeling that I had Jehovah's approval. It's all part of the cultish brainwashing, really. They always hammered into our heads "Spend every spare minute in service; Do more; Quit your job and pioneer." Actually, it wasn't Jehovah's approval that we sought-it was that of the elders and the GB. So, even when I would spend countless and exhausting hours in service and feel a slight hint of a sense of pride, there was always that nagging feeling that it was NEVER ENOUGH. Oh, god, I hated "field service" with a passion! That is one thing I'll never miss.

SnakesInTheTower

Excellent post.

I wasted many many many hours of my life as a pioneer..probably 8 or 9 cumulative... I could have went to college (since fixed that) or done so many other things.

I never never never had a feeling of accomplishment or that even if no one listened it accomplished anything...

sigh...thank goodness its over.

Snakes ()

daniel-p

Intermingled with that deceptive sense of well-being is a soon-to-be overwhelming feeling of waste. I pioneered for 4 years and experienced what you say every day. What you decribe is how I used to cope with knowing I was wasting my life almost criminally. Being a JW - and especially pioneering - is a way to avoid the truly important things in life, to avoid facing life, making hard decisions, testing your strength and potential - to see what you're capable of. Pioneering is the saddest way to waste your youth - and gut-wrenchingly ironic when they tell you you're giving your youth to Jehovah.

It's a comfortable deception and a safe delusion, and therefore very dangerous.

R.F.

Great post inkling.

I felt all the time that I was accomplishing absolutely nothing while pioneering. Yet, as we were taught, even if you are out knocking on doors and no one answers, you have God's approval. I try not to complain about the few years that i've wasted on it. I'm so happy that I found out the truth about "the truth" while being so young and now spend that time doing more worthwhile things, like sleeping in on a Saturday morning when it's extremely cold outside.

R.F.

jambon1

Very well written indeed. And sums up my feelings entirely at the time. I remember sitting in a cafe at exactly the same point of the day, 3.00pm. I had spent a few hours with our asshole pioneeers and ministerial servants. I remember toward the end, looking at them all, listening to their gossipy chatter and thinking to myself; "I have wasted an entire morning/afternoon with these jokers and accomplished absolutely NOTHING". At the time I though that I just needed to pray more when I had these thoughts.