I FOUND OUT WHAT I'VE BECOME...I HATE IT!

by TheRecordCollector 10 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  TheRecordCollector

  As those of you who are aware of Debi and I, we've had some serious problems.

  Today, I found out, "I" was the problem. The book "OBSESSIVE LOVE" by Dr. Susan Forward, Bantam books. Unfortunatly, this book describes me almost to a tee. I am so ashamed.

  I never knew what love was...I still don't. What I thought was love was actually some kind of hate from my childhood.

  How sad, I'm 43 years old, will be Nov. 26th, and what I THOUGHT was "love", was HATE!!!! My God!!!....My God!!!

  I don't know what love is. I don't know how to love. I don't know how to recieve love. I have no friends, male or female.

  Debi is "afraid" of me.

  I suggest that everyone who reads this thread, get a copy of this book and read it!!! Find it at the library....bookstore...ANYWHERE!!!

  What a monster I have become...what a horrible monster.
  Doug
• 

  Naeblis

  It's hard to realize truths about yourself, I've been there believe me, but take this as a positive. Many people stumble through life never realizing what enormous jackasses they are :) Learn from your mistakes and move on. Get help. 43 is not old. Youll wish you were 43 in 10 years :0 You're on the right track.
• 

  Satanus

  hey hey Recordcollector

  Calm down. You aren't the only one. You aren't the first. There are support groups to help you cope.

  You have already taken the first step, which is a big one: you admitted to yourself what you have. There are other steps you can take. There is another book which also is fairly good called facing love addiction by pia melody. Look up codependants anonamous (coda) or love addicts anonamous for your area. If there isn't a love addicts group, there probably is a coda group. Love addiction is like a subset of codependance. Their meetings really work. But it is hard work. Lots of meetings. Steps to take. It is best if you can take your girlfriend there too, so she comes to understand, and will feel less resentful.

  If you have the money, you could look up a hypnotherapist who does regression work. Check out his beliefs before hand. Your condition probably originated from you family.

  I know this stuff because i found out in may of this year that i have about the same thing. I also found out from a girlfreind.

  Good luck
• 

  OUTLAW

  Everybody fuck`s up.Recognise your mistake,admit your mistake, take measure`s to correct your mistake,so you don`t repeat your mistake.If you can learn from this, you can turn a mistake into a lesson.It probably hurt`s like hell,and I feel for you.Good luck to you both.
• 

  dungbeetle

  Waht on earth made you pick up THAT book of all things at this of all times....

  I am glad you're staying in touch. As I've said before, you should be able to see by the responses you are getting that you have touched the hearts of other people...that means you are a vital person with intrinsic value.

  Feel better soon,

  Dungbeetle...

  BITE ME, WATCHTOWER!
• 

  TheRecordCollector

  Well, this is Saturday, and I had the day off from work. What to do???
  I drove 100 miles away to go to flea markets, as I usually do.

  I go there to look for records, etc. But I'm sooo tired of that.

  I just couldn't get into it. As I went down the streets to different shops, I thought, my God...what am I doing??? Flea markets are so depressing!

  People have told me that I was happy as a young child.
  But I realized something today. I am SOOOO sick and tired of spending my days off insearch of my past!

  I don't need to find my PAST, I need to find my FUTURE!
  I need to live for TODAY not YESTERDAY! But where??? How???
  I have no friends...none...not one.
  When I AM around people, I don't even know how to interact with them. I don't even know what to say.

  Yesterday at work, I saw a couple walking toward me, holding hands....
  I've never done that. I've never held hands, I've never held a woman, or been held. And I'm 43 years old.

  QUESTION:
  -What do YOU do when you have a day off?
  -What do you do in your spare time?
  -If you are fortunate enough to have friends, what do you do?
  -What do you talk about?
  -Where do you go?

  You see, all these thing's are foreign to me. For years, All I've have to keep me company, are my records & stereo.
  I'd love to go someplace in the car and actually have someone WITH me to TALK TO! I have no one. ..... I have no one.

  Emptyness is the only feeling I know.

  I'm not trying to work on anyone's feeling's, but this is me.
  This is just me. This is my life.
  "Life"...that's a contradiction in terms isn't it?
• 

  lisaBObeesa

  RecordCollector,

  A big hug for you! (((((RecordCollector))))

  I could relate to some of the things you said. I, too, feel like I don't know how to make friends. It is such a difficult thing sometimes. For me, I realize that most of my problem is my bad feelings about myself, and fear of someone finding out the 'truth' about me...like if they knew my house looked like a mess and my dishes are always in the sink, they would dump me for sure. (It's deeper than that, but you know what I mean) I have the feeling always in the back of my head that there is something 'wrong' with me.

  I know now that there is nothing wrong with me. Don't ask me how I realized that....I'm not really sure how it happened. But now I know. We are all the same. We are all ok. We are all just who we are. If you were to look at the world from outerspace, we are all just little people trying to get by. I'm not sure if that made any sense...hummmm.....I guess what I mean is you can't see my dirty dishes and messy house when you are looking at the big picture.
  
  Also, I am , for lack of a better word, co-dependant. It's a leaning experence to try and grow out of this crazy behavior. But under everything, I am ok. There is nothing wrong with ME. 'ME' is no better or no worse and anyone else walking the planet. The same is true of you.

  I am working on making friendships, and trying to learn to not listen to those thoughts I have that I know have no basis in reality.

  Anyway...just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in your feelings, and to encourage you on your journey! Sometimes out of our greatest pain, comes the greatest gifts. Hang in there...

  --LisaBObeesa
• 

  thinkers wife

  RC,
  I don't know anything about you or your background. But one thing I noticed in your post is that you are freely admitting what you are. IMO, that is the first and biggest step to improving. Actually that is half the battle.
  I would suggest that if you would really like to have friends reach out. Invite a co-worker to go somewhere with you! Even if it is to go to flea markets. I for one love going flea marketing. Maybe you could find someone who loves it too!
  Just take one day at a time. If co-dependency is the issue, I suggest reading "Co-Dependent No More". Don't know the author as I have leant it out. I was in a co-dependent relationship and it helped me tremendously. As now I am no longer in that relationship and when I found a new one things were completely different! Try it. And remember one day at a time.
  All human beings are intrinsically valuable. Look for your good points and build on them. You have them, I know you do!
  Good Luck!!
  TW
• 

  Gopher

  The author of "Co-Dependent No More" is Melody Beattie. The book is out of print. Some copies are available online at Barnes and Noble. Follow this link: http://shop.barnesandnoble.com/OopBooks/OopResults.asp?userid=18X4G51LDS&mscssid=R09P4R21V0AB8LQ9W0D7EXL2JMP07E8F&keyword=Co%2DDependent+No+More

  Best wishes

  GopherWhy shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
  Mark Twain (1835-1910)
• 

  TheRecordCollector

  Hi TW...

  i dont know how to reach out. infact, thats what happened with debi and i. we were co-workers. i invited her out sfter work for coffee or something after work one night, she said no. always no.

  infact, here is the letter that sje emailed me initially to break things off.

  I have edited it so as to keep her email and other info confiential.

  I copied & pasted the letter, and is as follows:

  doug...
  now you arnt going to like this but im not
  going to write to you anymore.
  and let me tell you why.
  i am one of "jehovahs witnesses" i am very
  very very involved in my
  religion. i have been a witness since i was 5
  yrs old. and i take it very seriously. its my
  life. i live and breath my
  belief. i would never get involved with anyone
  outside of my religion. i go
  from door to door teaching the scriptures and
  someday when i marry i will go
  with my husband in this very important work.
  please understand ... and dont take it
  personal.
  any kindness that you have experienced from
  me is what i have for yrs
  learned from the bible. i take no credit for my
  niceness , i treat everyone
  nice, this is how jesus treated everyone when
  he was on the earth. that was
  our example.
  
  good bye debi