My daughter is now going to church. She is twenty.
As a teen I was very aggressive in her getting taught from the Live Forever Book, OM. She studied My Book of Bible Stories and Young People ASK! She was obediant and compliant. After 9/11 she was openly chastised for not saluting the flag, the teacher told her she should move to another country. She stepped out in the hall when there was prayer. She did not participate in holidays with other kids. She took it all in stride.
I took her to meetings......dressed her up. She never felt comfortable in her JW clothes. She was so pretty and nice. Very loved in the congregation. The boys were all after her and the girls were jealous. Having grown up with four brothers, she always was at ease around boys, and that was always a concern for other parents and elders, they just did not seem to understand that her friendliness was not "worldly" behaviour.
She started to find the meetings depressing. All that was talked about was the upcoming end of the world. Destruction, do this, do that , do more she felt she never measured up. She began to pull away from the congregation, feeling she was somehow defected. It was difficult for me to be of much help as I had the same feelings.
She was an oddity at school and in the congregation. She began to have panic attacks. Unable to handle the crowd at the meetings and started skipping out at school.
Because I would not let her date, she secretly dated someone for about two years. She said she was full of guilt for it. Up until then, she never kept anything from me. She self-"shunned" herself, leading to thinking she was just a bad seed and became wide open to doing just about anything.
She was so loving and friendly, naive from being so sheltered she fell victim to about just anyones suggestions. I had isolated her from the world but I never insulated her from harm.
Her bi-polar part by now had begun to manifest itself. Complicating it with, alcohol, drugs, low self-esteem, I found myself with her in ICU with two drug overdoses.
Detox, rehab, counselling, AA, moving in and out, back to detox the cycle all over again..........surely she was a bad kid!!! She was wordly and I should let her go to the world........walk away, go to the meetings, serve Jehovah and essentailly write her off.
I was able to hang in there with her, watched her struggle, get disappointed with herself, deal with the frustration of knowing and wanting to do something but her mind would not let her. It was heart wrenching to watch. I knew everything I learned from goign to the meetings had not prepared me for this, actually did not even condone it.
She was bad association and the congregation by now knew it.
Looking back now as my daughters behaviour became undesirable and the reaction to it is very sad.
She eventually has gotten consistent medical help from disability. And by that I mean medication. Consistent for six months now. She is pregnant and doing remarkably well. Her mind is sharp and her emotions intact. Her love still pours from her (most of the time, dang hormones!)
She asked me many times to go to the JW meetings and I would not go, until finally I explained to her why. She asked me as through all this she has seen the stress and depression I have dealt with, she thought my faith would help me. I have been fighting my own battles along with hers.
She goes to church now with her Aunt. She wears nice jeans, very casual to the meetings. She loves going, they sing songs, she said there are lots of young people and lots of babies, it only lasts an hour and she says it goes by fast. She asks me to go with her from time to time and I always refuse.
I can't help but think of all the kids from JW upbringings that have been labeled as bad and worldly. I knew that my daughter was a loving, kind, good person inside there.
The lack of understanding of behaviour from Mental illness, labelling kids rebellious and sad has terrible consequences for their developing self-esteem. They are shunned by their peers when they need help and support the most. Leaving them weak and prey to any one else that will and can exploit them.
I guess my point is, I see her now, stable, and watch her behaviour. I am sure she is saner than myself.
This entire interaction with my daughter, raising a teenager with an illness such as this, in order to handle it as I could. I had to leave the organization. As the only thing that saw it through was LOVE. Unconditional love. No five meetings a week or FS or even reading my bible daily got us through this.
I just don't know how a kid comes to be an adult after being raised a witness and come out ok. Those kids are the ones that are to be looked up to, and there are so few. Leaving the mark missed by the majority. Is this what God is really looking for?
Yesterday I thought to myself, OK purps, lets go back to the meetings, the crisis is over.
Can you imagine how I would be percieved and how freaking phoney the whole of the congregation would have to be to accpet me. I saved a kid, but not by their ways. I would have to reestablish myself as a spiritually well person, enough to be fully accepted. I would have to show and prove to them I was worthy enough to pioneer. I might even be questioned about what I have been doing during my inactivity. I would be praised for coming back to Jehovah and with time .......LOOK at how spiritually strong Sister Purps is becoming, making it now to all the meetings.
I would hear how much everyone missed me, and I would get back on the TMS school, a grand priveledge! Get my name in for recieving literature again. I would be getting stronger and stronger. Eventually making it to assemblies and conventions again. And wow, maybe I would be good enough to have a brother look my way!
Its rather sickening isnt it?
purps