Moving on... advice needed

bluesbreaker59

So this week, I broke up with my "on again off again" girlfriend of 8 months. I came to realize that even though I cared about her immensely, I didn't see us working out long term. That thought hit me a couple weeks ago, so I didn't think I should waste anymore of her time or mine. We had lots of fun together, and she has helped me alot in filling a void left by my Dub family. She has been there for me when I got DF'd, when I went through the committees, etc. We had lots of good times, but also, quite a few bad ones as well. In order to not hurt her feelings, I never told her the real reason I was breaking up with her...

This week, I did the unthinkable, and I actually cheated on her, I knew our relationship was over anyway, and knew I was going to break up with her. The girl that I cheated on her with has been a good friend of mine for a long time. Basically this woman, is who I've really wanted to be with for a good long while. But she had insisted on being friends only, then she came over the other night and we had a great time, listening to music and drinking some wine, and just hanging out. She admitted to me that she really wanted to have a relationship with me. I was shocked, and flattered at the same time. I won't bore you with the other details...

So how does one get past this??? I've never cheated before, and feel like an asshole, for doing it. I broke up with my former girlfriend yesterday, and it hurt her terribly that I ended our relationship. I hated seeing her cry, but I knew it was the right thing to do, because even without the other woman in the picture, I was going to break up with her. It just sucks ending relationships, I hate doing it.

I've had no appetite, been sick to my stomach, etc., since it happened. Feels worse than my divorce, when I found out my ex was cheating on me.

Sirona

Yeah, cheating was a shit thing to do.

Just try and not "rebound" with the new girl. Take some time out. The new girl doesn't deserve that either.

Sirona

oompa

Blues: So how does one get past this???

I think you have already started. Spend as much time as possible with your girljustfriend of many years drinking wine, listening, to mucic, hanging out and especially doing the other details part...............oompa......you will heal fast

OnTheWayOut

I've not been where you are, but be kinder to yourself.

Yes, your former girlfriend would view it as cheating. You probably would too, if she did
have a sexual relationship before clearly breaking up with you. BUT IT WAS OVER.

You knew it was over, and just had to get the nerve to get together and break it up.
For less complication, it would have been better to tell the new person back in your life that
you needed some time to end the old relationship, and "I will call you in a few days."
That's hindsight. It really is just mental blocks on your ability to move on.

It would just hurt the woman to say "I cheated on you" at this point. Why add pain to
misery. You closed that chapter, and started the next one at the same time, that's all.
You could have closed the chapter completely, then meditated on it, then opened a new
one, but you did it all at once. Go back and meditate if you want, but just stop kicking
yourself.

eclipse

You're not an asshole, blues.

Your ex-girlfriend will get over it and move on.

Don't beat yourself up too much...forgive yourself, ok?

I know this is not a popular opinion, but now you know a little of maybe why your wife cheated...

you can put yourself in her shoes, and hopefully, (unless you already have), forgive her too.

I wish you all the best with your new girlfriend....

and I agree with what OTWO said.

megsmomma

I think what you did was a self-destructive way of "proveing" to yourself that it was over. It's not the healthiest way of doing things, but, as humans...we sometimes don't always do things the best way. You need to forgive yourself and not keep on the path of being self-destuctive. (Guilt will keep you on that bad path, so I reiterate...FORGIVE yourself!!) If you really think you and the friend have a chance, be happy you have the chance to see if it will work....and don't let the way it started have ant effect on anything..you deserve happiness and a clean slate.

Enjoy your new relationship and don't let guilt lead you! It's ok to be human!!

primitivegenius

it hurts now......... but it would hurt a hell of alot more if later on after you spent years with this lady and then decided it wasnt gonna work out.

better off looking for that person it will work out with instead of wasteing time

dont rush into anything,,,,,,, especially since your gf might feel you dumped her to be with this other girl.

would make a bad sitation worse

hope things work out for ya bro

bluesbreaker59

Thanks guys. This is really tough, because my "new girl", is confused about the situation, and is wanting to have a relationship but is having trust issues now, because, she thinks if I cheated once, what makes her any different? And that was really hard to take.

Another reason that I did this was I looked through my ex-girlfriends phone, and saw text messages sent to a lot of guys, that I wasn't comfortable with, and also phone calls coming in at some strange hours. So that made me a little skeptical about our relationship. Then she seemed overly concerned with "settling down" and wanting kids, and getting me to quit playing out in bands. Well, I love my music, and have no plans to stop anytime soon, after all, I'm still a young guy. I've got a long time to have a family and children. I want both, and would be willing to settle down if Ms. Right came knocking, but right now I just want to have fun, and have companionship without a lot of heavy expectations.

nvrgnbk

Be well.

OnTheWayOut

right now I just want to have fun, and have companionship without a lot of heavy expectations.

I got nothing for you on the above. You will have to work that out.

On the trust issue, explain that both of you knew it was over. You knew she was moving on,
and you were starting to move on, but there was still the breakup to do. You should just
admit you handled it poorly. "Yes, I should have broke up and avoided a new relationship
until it was over. But there you were, I didn't want to lose you."

That's true, and she should eat that up.

Moving on... advice needed

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