part II - my JW boyfriend wants reinstatement. What do i do

by un_girl_ch 17 Replies latest social relationships

• 

  katiekitten

  Good accurate advice from Sirona.

  We did have people in my old congregation who were married to 'unbelievers' but they were without exception people who had chosen to come into the religion after they had got married, and their partner hadnt.

  They were regarded as (1) either people to keep at arms length because association with them meant association with a non JW or (2) someone to be sickly nice to because it seemed like there was a good chance we could 'nice' the partner into the religion.

  Its not a nice position for either partner to be in and the pressure must be tremendous and relentless. The non JW partner has to be really strong, and in some respects brutal to stop the JW partner from continually preaching to them. Then there is the issue of birthdays, christmas etc Easier to negotiate if there are no kids, but still you will end up going without those celebrations you may have loved.

  In your position, if the elders detect you have no interest in converting your b/f will be put under immediate pressure to stop sleeping with you, and then after that to break off with you. If he chooses to marry you anyway without you becoming a JW he will be barred from priviledges.

  I was in a position, when I was a JW, where I tried to marry a JW who had been brought up in the religion but just hadnt got round to getting baptised. A meeting with the elders resulted and I was told I was in effect marrying an unbeliever. An announcement was made that no-body should attend our wedding, and we had to call the whole thing off (becuase we only knew JW's - both having been brought up as such). We then had to wait until the elders saw fit to let him get baptised - which they refused the first time because they said he only wanted to so we could get married. So we had to pretend like we werent waiting to get married and just concentrate on convincing the elders he wanted to get baptised.

  His life would be much more difficult that this is he went back.
• 

  Satanus

  In the meeting w the elders, you will likely be treated like a crime suspect, your crime, a bad spiritual influence. My advice, tell the guy that it's a choice between you and that religion. It's going to come down to that, anyway.
  
  S
• 

  jgnat

  By the way, on the morality scale your living together is the disfellowshipping act. You not being a Witness is the second mark against you, and your UN involvement rates a distant third. I am amazed that your boyfriend would go to the elders, knowing he is "living in sin" and thinking somehow it will all work out.

  I imagine the elders, if you met with them, would be very mild in their approach. They will point to several scriptures to impress on you the necessity to change your ways. They may encourage you to join a book study. Privately, they will rip in to your boyfriend for his poor choices and lay out an ultimatum.

  My JW hubby was at least smart enough to marry me FIRST before going to the elders. There's a couple questions I want you to ask your boyfriend.

  1. He does realize that by returning to the society now he risks losing you?

  2. You are not accountable to the elders. You have never studied or baptized in to the religion. You are therefore just someone "off the street" that they may talk to you about the weather or the state of Maine. The elders have no religious authority over you. So why does he want you to talk to the elders? Is it so they can ask the questions that Sirona mentioned, get a "straight answer"? Why can't he explain these things to them himself? Does he sincerely believe that your beauty and charm will "ace" the first two marks against his living arrangement?

  3. Is the real reason he wants you to talk to the elders is that he thinks that once you hear the message from these meek men, that you will automatically accept the religion and the offer of marriage?

  If he REALLY WANTED reinstatement and you, too, he would "make things right" with you first (i.e. marriage) and THEN discuss reinstatement with the elders.

  On the other hand, do you want a man this deeply conflicted, and frankly, stupid? It sounds like he and his religion will be a package deal. Unless, of course, the elders are so mean he walks away again.
• 

  carla

  If you are set on meeting anyone from the kh, insist there be only one other jw there. Only one elder, your bf and you. That will help to keep some of the gossip down a bit and when the gossip mill gets going the bf will certainly be able to trace back to where the info started from.
• 

  lesterd

  Are you living together? Are yousexually involved, when these things stop you will know that he is serious about going back.
• 

  lesterd

  Relationships are package deals and if his heart goes back to the borg that one part you will not be in, can you handle that?
• 

  un_girl_ch

  Hi guys,

  We are no longer sexual active (not that we were for a very long period anyways) and we never actually lived together - we are currently (for the past month and half) living in different countries (for 6 months only) - but do see each other every 2 weeks for at list 3 days consecutives. Where I do stay at his place or he stays at mine.

  I the last meeting he had with his Elders - I know that he made clear that he does not want to loose me. That is when the "sugested" that I should meet them...

  I am off to see him in a weeks time - and I know he will ask me to meet his elders...
• 

  penny2

  We are no longer sexual active

  That means he's serious about going back.

  Why not meet with the elders? That could be interesting. Seeing you work for the UN, you could fully inform them of what's been going on between the Watchtower Society and the UN. A JW can't do that freely (they risk being disfellowshipped). You have nothing to lose. Don't be scared of them just because they are called "elders". They are just men - mostly uneducated men, full of their own importance which amounts to nothing. Many of them don't have a clue about UN related issues, the child abuse scandals etc.

  Good luck - I'd be interested to hear what happens if you do meet with them.

  penny