my dad keeps trying to fix me

inkling

It would seem that I am broken.
At least, to hear my dad talk about me.

We had a phone conversation the other day and he said that I need to
do something to advert my current "drifting" course.

He said "I though we had agreed that you would set the goal of a date when
this would be resolved by."

Seriously. A deadline. Like a homework project that is due.

Bear in mind that I am a grown, married adult living in a different congregation.
His tone was disturbingly patriarchal. I felt like I was a 12 yr old getting
a stern talking to- like "now son, you really need to fix your life."

I think he has been patient and tolerant up to this point because he was
hoping that if he gave me some time and space I would get to that point
where the warm fuzzies kick back in and I go "Oh yeaaah... I'm so over that
doubting phase. When can I pioneer again?"

I think he even holds out hope that I will eventually be reappointed as a MS.
He dosnt say this, but I have a hunch that is what my parents are feeling, besides
worry of being in paradise without me, or me raising them up little apostate grand babies.

The thing is, I really want to avoid the big DF, and when we are talking about
OTHER things besides my spiritual future, I get along great with both my
parents. I like our relationship, and I want to salvage the good parts, but
I dont want them to think that this is a "drifting" that they can stop.

I want them to let me live my own life and be OK with it.

I want them to realize that I have gone past the point of
"doubting" and have landed on the other side. There is
no turning back, and they really, really don't want to
believe that.

Is there anything I can say to them that makes it clear that I am NOT drifting,
but paddling... without landing me in a JC?

[inkling]

momzcrazy

Inkling

I wish I had words of wisdom, but I don't. I understand your situation though. If my dad was still alive I would be in your shoes, they sound so similar. I understand not wanting to have a JC, but my thing now is complete honesty. Stick by your wife, start forming a life out of JW land. Make other friends and do things together. If you really feel the way you do, a seperation from the Witnesses is inevitable. I just left with our 3 kids. My hubby did years ago. I think we're close to the same ages, we're 34. Those are my suggestions. Stay close to each other and make non-Witness friends.

I wish I could help more, but here's a bump to the top.

momz

Maddie

He said "I though we had agreed that you would set the goal of a date when
this would be resolved by."

As your father said the above, are you sure that you didn't give him reason to believe this?

think he even holds out hope that I will eventually be reappointed as a M
worry of being in paradise without me, or me raising them up little apostate grand babiesS.
He dosnt say this, but I have a hunch that is what my parents are feeling, besides .

If your parents are still thinking along these lines, and you obviously suspect that they are, wouldn't it be kinder to tell them their hopes are futile.

I want them to realize that I have gone past the point of
"doubting" and have landed on the other side. There is
no turning back, and they really, really don't want to
believe that.

I know how you are feeling because that is how it was for me. I made the decision ( and it was unbearably difficult), to tell my family the truth and hope and pray they don't shun me. I still don't know what the outcome will be as I have only just told them, but at least I have been honest with them and true to myself. It it a choice many of us have to make on JWD.

My best wishes and thoughts are with you

Maddie

sspo

When you have been many years in the organization, it's extremely hard for friends and relatives to accept the fact that you have doubts and missing meetings.

No matter how often i tell JW that i don't beleive it anymore they just won't accept it and think you're going thru a phase and you will be back.

Just keep telling your parents you have doubts and don't tell them what they are if you want to keep them as parents.

The moment you tell them what you found out about the "truth" that's when you will get kicked out.

changeling

((((((((((((((((((inkling)))))))))))))))))))

Hang in there. Stay away from "touchy" subjects. Stay away form the elders. You should be OK.

changeling

Gregor

Just from the circumstances as you have described them I don't see how you can escape the reckoning of a JC.

blueviceroy

http://members.shaw.ca/yofrizb

oompa

Dad, I so wish that what I have been raised to believe wasn't a load of bull$hit, but that is how I really feel. I know there are good people in it, and some of the priciples I have been taught have value, but there are just too many things that do not make sense. I would be glad to talk with you about why I feel this way, but only if you swear to never tell anyone. Isn't it a shame that I would ever have any reason to express my own opinion using my God given reasoning abilites? And yet that is one of the problems with our faith.

(now me oompa...I don't know where this was going, but my dad is an elder and I have nearly had this conversation so I was just kind of pretending to talk to hi....we e-mail a lot...me sending him all the info that is bull and at least he is not ratting me out yet......oompa.....and good luck)

jgnat

Hey, I've got a demanding dad and we're not even JW's. I'm embarrassed to admit I was in my late thirties before I clued in that he didn't have that old power over me. What did it in for him was the second cat. He'd said nothing when we adopted the first cat, but the second one, as soon as he saw it, he swore. I knew what he was thinking. Kitty litter and kitty hair galore. Shredded furniture. Stained carpets. That on top of raising two teenagers. What in the heck was I thinking.

When he swore I finally clued me in. There was not a damn thing he could do about it. I could make dozens of foolish choices, and all he could do is look on and swear under his breath.

Yup, that's freedom. That's adulthood. That's growing past your parent's expectations.

Well, the cats are gone, he was right. But I haven't given up my old habit of picking up odd strays. I've got a high maintenance husband now, and loving every minute of it. And you know what, dad has to live with my choices.

Now the whole Kingdom Hall/Judicial Committee thing adds a whole new twist on top of the whole thing, I admit. But I still think your solution is simple. Be consciously incompetent. When you don't measure up, just shrug, "Oh, well. Sorry to disappoint." You choose how to respond. Let him go swear under his breath and kick the dust. He ain't gonna be able to do anything about it.

steve2

Living up to parental expectations can be difficult in the best of circumstances. There are so many people, not just JWs, who could read your post and say, "That's just how I feel when my father speaks to me". Some of the biggest hurdles we have to get over in life are about other people's expectations and hopes for us.

The good news is that, the mere desire to be your own person free from other's expectations is a step in the direction of growing up and taking responsibility for your life. How sad to live one's life to keep others' approval. There are so many different ways you could react to your father's patter. I take it there's no urgency on your part to solve this normal developmental problem (Others such as your father may feel its urgent, but do you?) How exciting that you live in an age when there is so much support for people living their own lives and taking repsonsibility for their own lives. Gone are the days when the only solution for parental expectations was following them!

my dad keeps trying to fix me

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