Important! My mother before Elders re marriage problems with Elder husband

by Guest with Questions 35 Replies latest social relationships

  • Guest with Questions
    Guest with Questions

    For now we plan to see what happens at the Elders meeting. My oldest brother and I have already talked about it, before they even married, that if anything ever happened, her four children, two of them in the States, would all be there and raise a ruckuss. We will not be quiet about it. If he thinks that his first stepdaughter was trouble, well here comes trouble #2 stepdaughter. Thankfully she is the only one in the Org.

    At first my mother tried to defend him, that apart from that he was a good man. So I asked her if that was the role of woman, to take the abuse, to suck it up, read her bible more. But thankfully she does have some spunk in her and I have to keep reminding her to keep strong because he will try to break her spirit like he did his second wife and she's left a passive, controlled woman afraid to speak up. My stepbrothers wife is very passive and sweet. It reminded me of the Stepford Wives. I'm not condemning her because in all likely hood she sincerely is a good person, but something seems to be missing.

    When you hear this about others you feel for them, but when it happens to your own elderly mother it's devasting. I do believe that they will blame her. Her husband blames her. For a "spiritual" man he so unspiritual. My mother knows her faults, I know her faults. We all have them. But this man is mentally ubusive. This didn't start with my mother. He treated his other wives the same. He has major problems.

  • purplesofa
    purplesofa

    I agree with V on going to the CO.

    purps

  • al8189
    al8189

    I have a question for anyone who can help me. I found a wooden casket in the water i opened it and several notes and some sort of biological remains inside. The casket was only 12"x10". The notes were in spanish. I found a man whos name was in the notes and he said that he was a JW and that he had sacrificed a chicken and put it in the casket with money because something bad had happened to him. Is this for real? Is that a custom/belief of JW? Someone please let me know. This is no joke

  • White Dove
    White Dove

    Probably should make another thread with that casket story. No, sounds superstitious to me.

  • Gretchen956
    Gretchen956

    When I was "in" I went to the elders about my verbally abusive husband. Granted he was an unbeliever. However what I was asked by them as well as my elder father was, "What have you done to cause him to treat you this way?" If they act this way about an unbeliever, you can bet they'll circle the wagons for one of their own.

    Sherry

    btw - that casket/chicken thing, that is not JW at all and would probably be a disfellowshipping offense.

  • Guest with Questions
    Guest with Questions

    Thank you all for your responses.

    My brother and I spent 11 hours with her yesterday. This morning when I called she sounded strong and had a sense of what she should do. I just called her. Two elders came earlier. She said that they gave good advice, that both should work harder. She's going to see, that maybe things may get better. I told her that it's a given that he will not stop his abuse. She sounds so defeated. I'm so worried about her.

    I'm keeping all your advice, especially V's. I have asked my mother if she couldn't secretly record his tantrems but I don't think she will do that.

    I have told her that I will be there for her. So I await the next call with her crying, that she can't take it anymore. At times I want to tell her to go to her "brother" and "sisters" with her problems but I won't abandon her.

    If this does continue, and I know that it will, I will go to him and his son, along with my one brother, and give him a piece of my mind. We have nothing to lose, no other family members that are in that it would affect. But I wonder how it would affect her. At times I think disfellowshipment would the best thing for her, so she could really see it all for what it is.

  • PoppyR
    PoppyR

    I have actual experience of a very similar situation.

    My stepfather was very abusive both physically and verbally, often breaking into wild rages. One day we recorded him swearing the worst kinds of words at us, and played it back to the elders thinking surely this would be the time they would do something about it. But no... the elder we took it to erased the tape and told my mother how wrong she was to usurp his headship this way....

    It's one of those stories that unless I was there, I wouldnt' believe.

    Unsurprisingly, my stepfather left unchecked almost killed my mother with a kitchen knife, at this point the elders advised her she could now leave him because her life was in danger.. It was the neighbours who backed her up in this incidence and called the police, I think the elders were shamed into it.

    She thought she was being faithful, and stayed married to him for 10 years while he terrified our whole family because that was what the elders advised her to do, The day they said it was ok for her to leave, she did. I lost a lot of respect for her and even back then realised her feelings for us were second to her obedience to Jehovah.

    So.. long story short, I wouldn't trust the elders as far as I could throw the lot of them

    Poppy

  • rose petal
    rose petal

    I also had an abusive husband. They can control it, otherwise they would rant and rave in front of everyone! I spoke to the elders, and usual story - wait on jehovah! They called him to a meeting, etc. They only disfellowshipped him for making threats to them! Nothing to do with the way he was treating me.

    I eventually left him. I had to write a letter to the cong detailing why. He 'cleaned up' his act, then I was pressured into accepting him back. A month later is was just the same. I realised he was never going to change, why would he, he gets what he wants. Any proof is denied. Plus my ex wasn't an elder.

    My advice - try the PO & elders outside the cong. Good luck. Try and show to your mother that if the big "J"s spirit was operating on him (like it is supposed to) he wouldn't be doing this! That's the thought that made me stop going!

    rose petal

  • LoverOfTruth
    LoverOfTruth
    Is there a buddy mentality to protect each other and the flock and sacrifice those who make waves?

    Absolutely! I learned this first hand. Do you suspect this guy may also be physically abusive?

  • Guest with Questions
    Guest with Questions

    I'm so tempted to print all the responses and give it to my mother. At the moment I think she's wanting to be in denial. She doesn't know where to go.

    Poppy: To think that even with proof they ignore peoples plights. If someone else had written this thread and I didn't know better I could easily think that they were just made up stories by bitter people out for revenge. But I have experienced it myself. I have never been a witness and never will be. Apart from not believing most of what they believe I see their behaviour. (and I'm not saying they all behave like that-as I said before I'm sure there are plenty of people that are sincere and good people) A so called Christian community that shows so little regard for the defenceless. I'm afraid that my mother will suck it up and stay in the marriage because she doesn't know anything else.

    rosepetal: I agree with the controlling of ones temper. I mentioned to my mother last night that I found it odd that at the hall he's as sweet as can be. A lot of people adore and respect him. But when he comes home he's the total opposite. So he knows how to control himself. He's gotten away with it and he will continue to do it. He wants complete power over a woman, through intimidation. He's not man enough to earn respect so he has his rants and demands repect. But in the end the women most likely don't respect him deep inside and he probably realizes that. But they are submissive, meek, just where he wants them. He doesn't like an equal playing field, where the woman is equal to him as a human being. Because he's a wimp who likes to abuse.

    LoverOfTruth: My brother told me today that it did cross his mind and asked her a while back if he was physically abusive towards her. She said no and I do believe her. He didn't physically abuse his 2nd wife. But that was then. Who knows what he will do in the future and that does worry us. I want to believe that she will tell us. She has always confided in me because she knows that she can't with her "sisters" in the cong. Strange hey, the org claims to be loving and supportive towards their own, yet my mother goes to an outsider, someone not in the Org. who lovingly supports her. You would think she would notice that herself and wake up to the reality that, with the Elders anyway, it is all just a facade. There's no real spirituality. Grown boys wanting to hold on to their prized titles; painting their tarnished and rusty images to look good outwardly, like God can't see through the bull.

    As you can see I'm venting. If no one else reads this at least I'm getting it a bit out of my system.

Share this

Google+
Pinterest
Reddit