Important! My mother before Elders re marriage problems with Elder husband (page 3)

dinah

How has he had all these wives and still be an elder? That should tell ya something.

dinah: Both his first and second wife died of cancer. The second wife was so depressed because of her husbands abuse that she wanted to die sooner. He kept her family away saying that he was protecting her. The Org doesn't believe in divorces and yet during his rages he threatens her with divorce!

I know I've given more details than I should have but right now I'm thinking, what are the chances that somebody in her cong will read it and realize who it's about. The only way they can hurt me is by not allowing me access to my mother and that would destroy her and she would have to make a tough decision, the org or her children.

Talking about chances. This morning a former witness got baptized in our church. She mentioned that she was in a cult for 30 years-the JW Org. Tonight my husband was checking his e-mail on his computer and said that there was a message for me from this lady. I assumed that maybe one of the pastors had forwarded something to me because he knows my mother is a witness. Most of the time my husband would forget to tell me when I had a message and I finally got hotmail on my computer.

My husband has about 280 messages (he doesn't delete his files) and this message popped up. He has no idea what he did. When I read it I realized that it had been sent back in January by a friend of mine. It was a prayer request for this x-witness lady. She was in Atlanta at the time and she did her testimony on a televised Charles Stanley programme. Attached was a message from this lady with her e-mail address. I wrote her and hopefully she will respond. Strange coincidence hey!

OnTheWayOut

I feel sorry that I missed this thread before.

No matter how involved some elders already got, it should be clear that they aren't
going to help too much by now.
Verbal abuse of a wife isn't even considered much of an offense if the guy is not an
elder, certainly not if he is one.

Caring elders will talk nice to him and her, encouraging them to work it out, but it
would be an awfully unpopular elder that ever got more than a nice talking to.

Going to the C.O. Hmmm! It sounds good, but my personal view is that the C.O. will
tell the verbal abuser to STOP. Then he will tell the wife he did something. He doesn't
want to do more. He may threaten position, but the husband might get worse and tell
her never to speak to the C.O. again.

In the position of the wife, I would suggest insisting on marriage counsel from a non-JW
professional (say you want a professional so no elders just side with him).
If marriage counsel is refused by the husband, I would recommend she goes without him
to the same, inviting him to join her when he's ready. I would also say after awhile that
he can join her or they can see two lawyers. I know that takes courage. The first part
(therapy) might give her courage. It certainly could help.

Guest with Questions

OnTheWayOut:

I already asked my mother last night if she would consider going to a professional counsellor with him and she said that it wasn't allowed; that they had to work out their problems through the Elders. Is she misinformed?

I've dealt with the Elders in the last year and I now know that they really don't care to help. I'm starting to realize that it most likely will backfire on her; that he may become even more abusive because she had the nerve to speak up for herself and got the Elders involved. He has gotten away with it. If only she would have just kept her mouth shut and taken the abuse hey! The nerve of her! Can you tell I'm really angry.

A year ago he said that he would prove himself; that his former stepdaughter was a trouble maker and a liar. Well he proved to me that his stepdaughter was right all along (which my brothers and I knew all along). What a testimony he is giving to us poor lost souls. It sure makes us want to join this loving organization.

My church may not be perfect but I have never heard of this kind of behaviour, not from any of the churches I have ever attended. Not only is my mother's husband abusing her, but through indifference the rest of the Elders are also abusing my mother whether they realize it or not.

OnTheWayOut

she said that it wasn't allowed; that they had to work out their problems through the Elders. Is she misinformed?

She is severely misinformed, but that type of statement is typical for the
"good ole boys."

That indicates a husband (and perhaps an elder body) that doesn't want
the outside world to know about this. They are covering for the organization.
It could also be that they don't believe a professional could do a better job
than they could.

This would be an absolute must for me in her shoes. Outside therapy for
at least the wife, preferably both of them. Otherwise, the lawyers.

Because they tell her crap like, "it wasn't allowed; that they had to work out
their problems through the Elders," I would seek a divorce lawyer and a
therapist, not for them as a couple, but for her own sanity and safety.

Purza

Guest -- I feel for your mother. I think V's post was interesting about taking it to the CO.

Similar situation. My mother has gone to the elders many times because my father has some issues. (My father is an elder). Every time, my father uses the excuse (wherever it is in the scriptures) that a man should take care of his own household and that everyone outside of that household needs to mind their own business! I swear, he uses that excuse everytime -- and IT WORKS every freakin time! The elders leave and my mother has to endure more torment. The elders cannot do a think with a husband/wife situation -- it is a matter of headship.

I hope for a good ending for your mother, but her chances at finding relief are very, very slim.

Purza

blondie

Does she have any witnesses to this verbal abuse: children, relatives, neighbors, other jws, that would speak up on her behalf. Even if she can establish that he is abusive, some elders may put the "blame" on her. I know of several jw women who separated from their jw husbands when all else failed. Both were suffering clinical depression and were advised by their doctors to put distance between themselves and the abuser. The other elders will try to protect the "reputation" of the BOE which is more important in their minds than any woman.

Blondie

Gill

My mother has been verbally and emotionally abused by my father......always.

My Elder uncle and cousins have all been witness to it for the last forty years and say nothing.....just turn a blind eye like tha assholes they are.

My mother was told to pray more and be more subservient so as not to upset her husband!

Waste of time asking window cleaners to sort out problems like this!

The majority of JW Elders are a bunch of toss pots!

Help your mother leave her husband and support her if she is willing to leave. My mother won't leave the ass hole she is married to as apparantly she has been told by the toss pots that 'Jehovah hates a divorcing!'

In the end, you just have to throw up your hands and admit that they're all insane!

mouthy

In the end, you just have to throw up your hands and admit that they're all insane!

No!!sorry darling THAT is not the answer! "convince a man against his will he is of the opinion still" that goes for women also. I think Guest has to continue to show her MUM love,& explaining that if she believe Jesus died for us( she does believe that if she is a JW) does she think Jesus wanted her to be treated abusivly??? NO!!! he did it so we could have life MORE ABUNDENTLY & keep her in prayer

sweetstuff

My mother was told to pray more and be more subservient so as not to upset her husband!

Gee, that's what I was told too, and they even questioned me about if I was causing my husband's drinking problem by being an unsubmissive, unchristian wife. That "Jehovah" would set things right and how he "hates" a divorcing. Do you see a trend here?? It's always the woman's fault. I agree with Mouthy, work on getting your mom thinking. She will receive no help from within the org at all.

I'd also get your brothers to go scare the everliving crap outta him. Tell him that if he so much as breaths the wrong way at your mom, they'll be back, with sticks. Sometimes that's the only thing that works with a bully, bullying them.

((Hugs)) Guest, I really feel for your mom and yourself. She needs out of the marriage, forget counselling, he is never going to change his ways, encourage her to really think and offer your support for when she is ready to leave him. And my guess is, she will. She sounds spunky enough to question his behavior and try to deal with it, within the confines of her beliefs. She just needs to change those confines to break the hold he has on her.

I would appeal to her motherhood if I were you. Ask her, why she is putting up with this? Would she want this for you or any daughter of hers? What would she recommend if your husband was treating you this way?

Important! My mother before Elders re marriage problems with Elder husband

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