Some of you may remember me from last spring/summer. I was the one who kept begging her JW boyfriend to take her back after every breakup. I came back in here the other night to read some of my past posts and replies, basically to keep myself from calling him.
I moved back to my home state this summer and am teaching here and spending tons of time with my family. We didn't officially break up when I moved back home; I told him I needed to get myself together and get some closure on some issues I've had since my mom's suicide four years ago, and I told him he could use this time to work on getting reinstated after being disfellowshipped for his relationship with me. Before I moved, the deal was that he wanted to be "unofficially" engaged to me (for about the third time) but he would not be able to be seen with me in public for six months to a year until he was reinstated. Oh yeah, and during that time frame, I was supposed to start attending meetings again (at a different hall) and restart my bible study so that I would be a JW before we got married. He text messaged me late one night and told me that he wanted me to wear my mom's old engagement ring that I inherited so that people would know I belonged to him, as in "his property." He actually texted those exact words. What the sickest thing of all is that it actually made me feel like he loved me. It was pretty much then that I finally realize I have a distorted view on what it means to be loved.
Our plan was that I would fly back once a month to visit him until the school year ended in May, at which time I would move back to be with him, as long as our issues were resolved. I quickly came to realize though that the only issues he saw were MY issues. He was not going to meetings at all. He would call in and listen on the phone and expect me to do the same. Whenever I asked him when he was going to actually attend, he would tell me he was too tired and it was too hard to go when no one would speak to him. I flew to see him in Aug. and Sept. The September visit ended badly. He woke me up at 4 am, about 6 hours before my flight, to ask me why I was not attending meetings like he asked me to. He said he had a bad dream and woke up disturbed. He has bad dreams frequently. All I wanted to do was go back to sleep, but he would not stop. I told him I was just procrastinating, and I was attending regular church with my dad and stepmom right now because my dad was recovering from skin cancer and cancer treatments and I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could at this time. He told me that I always took so long to listen to him, not only about attending meetings but about quitting drinking Diet Coke because it was unhealthy, and about taking so long to transfer my credit card balance to a lower interest card. At that point, I finally told him to lay off and let me sleep and quit being such a nutjob and a hardass. That didn't go over to well, so I tried apologizing and promised him I would go.
That weekend ended with him driving about 80mph to drop my butt off at the airport as quickly as possible without speaking to me, even when I got out of the car. That was a lovely four hour flight back home. When I called him, he said I was overreacting to a simple disagreement. He told me I needed to be realistic and realize that couples argue. I said I didn't think it was an appropriate time to pick a fight with me right before I had to leave, and it would be another month before we saw each other again. In October, I postponed arranging my flight too long and quite honestly didn't want to pay the airfare for last minute flights. He told me he found a cheap flight but it had a four hour layover instead of being a direct flight, so basically by the time I got there, it would be time to fly back home. I told him the cheap price wasn't worth it, meaning I would just pay the extra $ to book a direct flight. He took that to mean that HE wasn't worth it. So that weekend he proceeded to write an ad on Craiglist and met FIVE women in one weekend. He told me that they all told him I was a shallow piece of shit and he was such a great guy. I just lost it. But instead of getting angry, I got depressed. He called me back a couple of days later and said that after dating, he realized he didn't want to be with anyone but me even though I "abandoned him."
Somehow we worked that out, but I was very insecure when he wouldn't answer his phone. When I questioned him about who he was with, he told me to quit nagging him and that it was my fault he went out with those women because I abandoned him even when I knew he was going through a hard time with his job and I basically left him on his own. It just went even more downhill from there.
I've been attending counseling sessions once a week for the past month. I really like my counselor and feel comfortable talking to her. She tells me some of the same things that people here have posted to me, only now I'm ready to start facing it. I still have my weak moments, though. Very weak moments. A week ago, he asked me to quit my job and move back to him in December. We were going to talk about it that night, but he never called me back. The next day, he called and told me that he spent the entire night thinking, and he said he couldn't forgive me for abandoning him and that bottom line, I was too selfish and spoiled. He said I could never understand his problems because my family has money and have bailed me out my entire life. He considers that fact that my parents were able to pay for my college education "bailing me out." He couldn't finish school because he didnt' have the money. And then his two ex-wives spent all his money while he was married, so he couldn't finish it then. And then after each divorce, he had to declare bankruptcy because of their spending habits. Basically, he has a deep hatred of women, all women, including his mother. I was the scapegoat for all the women who have "let him down." The crowning moment was when he said that he was too picky to be with me. He said that he was feeling bad for how he had been treating me, until he realized that if I would have only listened to him and worked with him, he would not have had to be so hard on me. He said he was going to start working out, get a successful job, and then find a woman more compatible for him and less selfish and high-maintenance who would let him be head of house.
This was a very long-winded update. It's been very hard, and it continues to be hard, but I am a little less upset at the thought of him with each passing day. I'm also realizing that I have to forget about "fixing" him, because I have a lot of work to do on ME. It's very important that I gain an understanding of why I would allow myself to be treated that way and keep begging for more, before I ever enter another relationship. I never want to repeat this cycle.
You are all very wise people and have offered me so much of your time and understanding. I just wasn't ready to listen at the time. All I wanted to do was vent. Now when I go back and read some of my old threads, I am amazed at the wisdom that I somehow managed to let in one ear and out the other. Thank you all very much.