This time last year I met the man of my dreams...he was incredibly smart and charming...he was in tune with me...he made me feel like I was the best thing that ever happened to him. At first he was a little shy...he didn't think anyone of my caliber would even give him a chance...conveniantly though I had my run of bad guys...and wanted someone different. He was different. He was a devout christian...and i had been yearning for years for some direction. I've never been baptized before but I have been attending a Baptist Church irregularly. Anyway, he told me upfront that he was a Jehovah's Witness and that he was just looking for a friend. So much for that. On our first date we connected so well I did what I never do. Kiss on the first date. But he came in close and i can smell him...i felt his lips on my neck and then it rested on my lips..he whispered...can i kiss you...and I nodded yes...it was the most passionate and the best kiss i ever received...and trust me I have had my fair share. i immediately thought wow...for a JW who never dated before...he was delicious. Well after that night he called to say that he had an awesome time with me and wanted me to visit him for the weekend since he lived in a neighboring town. He wanted to make sure I knew that he wanted to spend time with me but did not want to have sex. I thought...wow, this man is incredible! I actually was turned on by this.
Well, I spent the weekend there and I had a blast. We stayed in and slumbered. We did everything one can imagine except have sex. he was so intimate and attentive. i had never been with a virgin before. i started to get frustrated though...i couldn't figure out why it was okay to do everything else...so i expressed my frustration the last night before i had to leave. He stood by his decision and we both fell asleep disappointed....but at 3 that morning..i felt him hover over me....we finally had done what we were refraining from doing....it was absolutely satisfying! We were so satiated we went again like 10 minutes after. I fell asleep a happy girl. That morning I woke up to an empty bed. he had left a note that he was picking up breakfast...by the time he came back i can tell he had been crying. We ate breakfast...he told me he fell in love with me that weekend...but because of what we did...he had to confess to his elder...there would be a judicial committee forming that afternoon...he was instructed to give me a bible teach book...and then to take me home never to speak to me again. He was reproved.
Well, here I am....in love with this man...and he just ditched me...and what the crap is Reproof? Well our love for eachother was so intense I couldn't be apart from him. With his direction I studied with a sister at a hall nearby. We were secretly dating and soon secretly got married so we could do the deed free of guilt. Less than 6 months after i started studying, i was baptized. Everyone was shocked that i had already been married...it wasn't til after i was baptized that i realized i had been so deceptive...relationships built during this course of study were fading because no one trusted my motives. but i didnt care because i had the man of my dreams and he was only a baptism away...and i got there.
we moved in and i was the best JW wife he could ever imagine. i signed up for the school i was pioneering...that is until i started learning more and more about what i had dedicated my life to...my life with him now meant a life without "worldly friends and family"....my doubts and questions were only received with disappointment...i was an idiot if i didnt trust in Jehovah's organization....i was stupid if i didnt do as they say....my doubts would just go away....so naturally..neither did his verbal abuse....pretty soon he and his whole family treated me like i was worthless...because i couldn't appreciate what they appreciated all their lives. i was serving Jehovah only as a means to make my husband happy. the emotional, verbal abuse and sometimes physical abuse was unbearable...especially when i complained about it to his family...they only told me it was my fault i provoked him...i couldn't go to my family because i had already written them all off per my husbands request. we met with the elders for help but they can only say i needed to respect and be submissive to him and he needed to love and respect me...the only thing we had going well was our sex life....despite his ongoing nagging and confrontations we were still able to make love like 6 times a day! we communicated well this way and no other way
the last time he demeaned and belittled me...i packed my stuff and left...out of the state....we are separated now....he has no idea where i am...he can only call me via cell phone...its been 3 months now and i'm dying to come home....i miss him...but i know he hasn't changed...i'm scared to tell him i've been going to a church...and that i'm on this site...and that i've read Awakening and Crisis of Conscience....is it delusional of me to think that i can go home and live a good life serving God my way...? Should i fade? get disfellowshipped? disassociate first? or do i just not go home at all...and cut my losses?.....i love him so much though....i just know he loves the organization more than he loves me. Please help.