Hi everyone.
I've been around for awhile, but never registered for fear of giving my personal information (yes, that's how much the borg scares me.)
I was raised in the org, and left when I was 18. I realized that every religion firmly believed that they were correct, and that forced me to re-evaluate the religion on its merits, as opposed to my insistent belief. Needless to say, I saw the man behind the curtain.
I was forced to leave home the day I turned 18, and my family completely cut off contact. I come from a rather large family, although I personally have no siblings. My cousins were like my brothers and sisters, and we all attended the same congregation.
My cousin, who is 5 years older than me, left when he was 18. We shunned him, refused to answer the door if he came to our house, and I vividly recall crossing the street once to avoid meeting up with him after he had waved. He saw me and it broke his heart. I was only 13, and determined that the more more I shunned him, the sooner he would make his way back.
When I turned 18 and left, he welcomed me with open arms. He and I were the only family we had, and as a result we were incredibly close. When I was 23, I made a play to return, because I wanted to see if it was just my teenage rebellion that made me reject the "Truth." My entire family welcomed me back with open arms. It was the happiest period in my life since I left the org. I studied with an elder's wife, but the man behind the curtain was still evident. I couldn't make myself believe it, and I lost my family for the second time in 5 years.
My dear cousin was very sensitive, and deeply hurt by our family's actions. He always believed it to be the truth, he just thought he couldn't do it. The guilt ate him up, and he made some life choices that endangered his life. He was incredibly depressed for all of his adult life.
A month ago, he fell ill with what we thought was a cold. He was taken to a hospital and stayed for a a week. I sat in the waiting room with my entire family, the first time I'd laid eyes on them since 2003. They held a vigil, promised to be there for him, and cried uncontrollably. The anger and grief ate me alive, yet I knew I had to be there for him. A week after he entered the hospital, I left for a couple hours to shower. When I returned, my mom met me at the elevator and told me "He fell asleep." I sat down and sobbed uncontrollably for 10 minutes. During this time, my family kept commenting that my grief was an example of how awful it is not to have the hope of a resurrection.
10 minutes after I learned of his death, an older witness sister came up and started chastizing me for leaving, telling me to look at what I was doing to my family. I almost spit in her face. My cousin's body was lying less than 10 feet away from me, and this woman uses this time to attack me? WTF!!!!
Little did I know it would get worse.
At the funeral the next week, I was accosted by two elders, requesting a moment of my time. I walked over to them, and they said they needed to meet with me. Keep in mind, this is the first time they've laid eyes on me in 5 years. I told them I wasn't prepared to discuss my status, and one elder said, "Let me ask you a blunt question; Do you wish to be considered one of JW's?"
My mind said, "Heck no!" but I knew this answer would immediately cut all contact with my family. So instead, I chastized them for their lack of sensitivity and bad taste. I told them that I had no desire to speak to them, I was there to grieve the loss of my closest family member. I then walked away, kissed my family goodbye, got into my car, called my mother, told her I was leaving, and drove away.
I'm walking a fine line between mere disinterest and apostacy. I have no connection with any JWs but I live in constant fear of being disfellowshipped in absentia, which I've heard is all the rage these days.
What is my best ploy to keep the option of speaking with my family open, while keeping my distance from the elders?
Thanks in advance!
Dehliah.
