First, thank you for all of your kind responses. They mean so much during this difficult time.
As far as my belief is concerned, I have absolutely no belief in this religion. I actually detest it, and blame the shunning practice competely for the death of my cousin. I have suffered for almost ten years as I was shunned. My family is incredibly in, all adults are either regular pioneers or elders. In almost 10 years, the only time I've laid eyes on my family or the elders was during the short time that I was studying in 2003, and during this month at the hospital and funeral. Still, there is a part of me that is missing. My extended family all lived on the same street growing up, took vacations together and spent nearly every day together.
I feel like I am a puzzle piece seperated from my puzzle. When I am with my family, I finally find my place. I love them more than I love myself. And I pity them greatly because they are all so snowed by this religion.
I've considered playing the part, going to meetings here and there, just to have my family back. Unfortunately, trying to sit through a meeting literally makes me naseous. I also have religious beliefs that run contrary to those of the society, so playing a part would make me feel guilty.
I was baptizd when I was nine years old, and I find it hard to believe that I am held repsonsible for a decision I made before I had hips. I am in law school now, and seriously considering making it my life mission to take this evil organization down. I've made it my life mission to succeed because everyone told me I would end up a failure because I left. I wanted desperately to provide an example for those that dared to live a life seperate from the organization.
I simply want to avoid being DA/DF. My grandparents are aging, and I would hate to be excluded from medical emergencies or funerals. My cousin's neighbor called to inform me that he was ill, as my family refused to even phone me.
I know I'm walking a fine line, but I hope it's possible.
