About 9 years ago, I had some personal setbacks. Bad financial and marriage problems. Debt issues. It looked like I was going to lose the house, everything. I remember thinking: "God, I have always tried to do things the right way, and now you are letting this happen to me?" I became very angry at him. Also, at that time, I came to realize that JWism was a complete farce (this made me even angrier). The Internet really opened my eyes. I was so angry that I was almost violent. I had such rage. How could God have let me live a lie for so many years? How much of my youth had I wasted? It was so depressing!
I had been born into JWism. Raised in it. I had, to the best of my ability, tried to live as a good JW. I had pioneered and invested tremendous amounts of time in the religion's activities. I had tried my best to live up to my religion's and parent's standards. Oh! I was real angry! I was angry at my father too. I blamed him for not having done enough for me to get educated and ahead in life as I felt he should have since I had now found myself in dead end menial employment. I was in my mid 20's. I decided, with respect to God and everyone else: F*&^ 'em all. I am doing this MY SELF. I am fixing this MY SELF. And I did! I felt so free. This Filter song that was released around that time really resonated with me.
Awake on my airplane
My skin is bare
My skin is theirs
Awake on my airplane
My skin is bare
My skin is theirs
I feel like a newborn
And I feel like a newborn
Awake on my airplane
I feel so real
Could you wanna take my picture
'Cuz I won't remember
Yeah
I don't believe in
In your sanctity
Your privacy
I don't believe in
Sanctity
A hypocrisy
Could everyone agree that
No one should be left alone
Could everyone agree that
They should not be left alone yeah
And I feel like a newborn
Kicking and screaming
Hey dad what do you think about your son now
Ah hey dad what do you think about your son now
Anyways!
I started working 2 and 3 jobs, and I went to the university, graduating with a Bachelor's degree and a 4.0 GPA, Summa Cum Laude, baby. I also lost 90 lbs and was in the best physical condition of my life, benching 250 and running 10 miles at a stretch. What a difference! My financial situation had also improved considerably as I embarked on a new career.
I had not been happy however. There was a tremendous emptiness/loneliness sometimes. I had also stopped being angry, having spent the energy on these pursuits, I burned it out of me. I had managed to salvage my marriage and was nominally a JW for that sake through the 4 years of college. With work/school I missed a few meetings though. When I completed college, I actually tried to make another go of it. I even regular pioneered again for a year and accepted MS privs. My wife had always wanted to pioneer, and I decided that since she had been there for me through college, I would help her in her dream.
Well, she did not "taste" that it was so good!
As for JWism, I really wanted to make it work! I had family in, not to mention my wife also. I was deluding myself. I could not live a lie. And it made me miserable to try. Every talk or service meeting part that I had was like torture.
And then we got pregnant.
My wife figured all this out eventually. I spilled the beans. I realized at that point that I could not remain a JW. I would NOT raise my boy in that cult. I wanted him to have the freedom I never had. To be able to associate with whoever he wanted, to breathe the free air and think for himself. To follow his dreams. I had dreams as a boy. I did not realize many of them because of the cult asigning different priorities for me to obey. I had always wanted to be in the sciences or engineering. I went for something a bit less demanding because I felt I was getting too old to go for an 8 year track.
I did not want to force my boy into a mold of my own image as I had been when I was young, but for him to be his own person, and to love himself as God had made him to be. While I was in college I studied religion and philosphy whenever I could, taking courses both in school and studying on my own. I came to realize what true Christianity was. God was not some cruel taskmaster like the pharisaic dubs made him out to be. I came to understand Christ for the first time also. I had the indescribable Experience of a Presence. I felt God. I had never felt Him before. I also came to understand some things about his nature that I had always rejected because of my JW brainwashing.
I started posting here last year while I was still in. And well, it is kind of addictive. Here I am.
Cheers,
BurnTheShips