What I believe
God is everywhere. He is in the air I breathe and the stuff I poop. He is in every cell and atom. He is in my boogers. He is the miracle in my deodorant that makes the stink go away.
He made the universe. He made the people in the universe out of dust. He made women out of mens ribs. He made pork ribs real tasty. I mean real tasty.
He answers my prayers. He also doesn’t answer my prayers. He is very good at answering prayers that either don’t have an answer or don’t need one. He is a little lax on answering prayers that are really important to me. I believe I must pray harder or pray more.
He likes meat, just like me. Maybe more than me. He is maybe a little hungry because nobody is sacrificing sheep and turtle doves to Him anymore. He has had to resort to eating human meat sacrificed in His name. I think He likes human meat. Maybe He made humans to eat. I’m afraid if I go to Heaven he might just eat me. Naughty God shouldn’t eat people.
He had sex with a Virgin who was already married. God can be a dirty rascal. But that’s OK because he sent his Son for us to eat. Sometimes on Sunday we get to eat Jesus Body and Jesus Blood. It tastes kind of like stale crackers and grape juice. I don’t mind being a cannibal if people taste like crackers and grape juice. But I would think they would taste more like pork ribs. That would be cool. Maybe we taste like pork to God?
His Son was also sent to save us. But I’m not sure from what. Maybe He is he saving us to eat us later, like putting us in a refrigerator. Anyhow I believe His Son was killed for trying to save us. I believe He got lucky because He only spent 3 hours dying, when most people who die on a cross take a couple of days. Lucky Son of a God. I believe 3 days after he died he came back to life. He was a zombie. Zombies are usually scary. But this Zombie was a good Zombie and promised he would come back soon. Tricky Zombie. When He said soon he meant more than 2000 years. Maybe that’s soon for Him, but that’s a long time to me. That makes me sad because I’d like to see the Lucky Son of a God Tricky Zombie come back riding a fancy horse.
I believe God created the universe and everything in it in just 6 days. He did this a long, long, time ago—almost 6000 years. Wow! He told Noah not to bring dinosaurs because they were too big for the arc. Poor dinosaurs. He makes the world look old to trick people who don’t believe in Him. He is also trying to trick people who do believe in Him. Tricky God. He is funny. He did tell Noah to bring bacteria, worms, plankton, viruses, and skunks. Although I heard viruses aren’t really alive. How did God do that? I’m glad he brought plankton because they feed whales and I like whales. Noah must have had a great aquarium. Are whales tasty?
I believe God personally wrote the Bible. He is a bad speller. And not too good at history. But that’s OK, because neither am I. He wrote in the Bible that He wrote the Bible. So, duh, he must have written the Bible, because he couldn’t have done that if he hadn’t written the Bible. See, this was written by Dan, so it was obviously written by Dan. It doesn’t say it was written by God. But if I was bad I could say it was written by God. Okay, here it goes. This was written by God. Sneaky Dan, this wasn’t really written by God. It just says so to trick you nice people. Tricky Dan. But other people who helped God write the Bible aren’t so sneaky. I believe this for sure.
God wants everybody to believe in Him. When you don’t believe in Him, He gets angry, and jealous, and kills you. Then He probably eats you. I like it when people believe me. When they don’t I get angry. When they say, “Dan you are full of poop,” or “Dan you made that up. It’s not true,” then I get angry. Lots of people don’t believe in God. So he is probably pretty angry. He hates it when His food doesn’t believe in Him. When He gets really, really angry he kills lots of people by drowning them. Angry God. God needs to meditate or take yoga or eat less people meat.
I believe lots of people do believe in God too. But this also makes Him angry because only some people believe in Him the right way. He told the people who believe in Him the right way to kill the people who believe in Him the wrong way. I know the way I believe in God is the right way. I could kill you if I wanted, or if God told me to. Other people think they believe in God the right way, and that I am wrong. God told them to kill me. Why would God do that? I thought we were friends?
God really doesn’t like the Amish. He makes them ride in buggys and doesn’t give them electricity. Then He sends people who believe in Him to kill the Amish children. Bad Amish. Bad, bad, Amish. God doesn’t like you. I don’t think this is funny. God also killed Egyptian kids too. It must be easy to kill kids. Maybe they taste better than stale crackers and grape juice.
God says I can have a slave. This would be neat if I could afford one. Or maybe two. I don’t like to work, but slaves like to work. God made slaves so I don’t have to work. I hate picking lettuce, but slaves pick lettuce and you hardly have to pay them at all. But I’m not allowed to covet your slave. I have to get my own. I don’t really know what covet means. Do you? Thank God for slaves. You can hit slaves if you are angry or if they are bad. You can even kill them. I don’t know if you can eat them or if they are tasty. God probably knows.
I believe God is good. And He never does bad things. When God kills things it is good.
I believe God loves me and everybody.
