Chairman to read the following announcement after the the concluding discourse of the Assembly:
Announcement (to be read in it's entirety. Do not summarize.)
Dear Brothers:
Without a doubt, we are confident that you have enjoyed this Special Assembly in assocaition with your brothers and sisters. Your attendance today manifests your acute awareness of your spiritual needs and we hope that you hunger has been satisfied by the spiritual banquet of well oiled dishes given to you today.
These special events along with regular meeting attendance helps tos trengthen us to cope with the wickedness and evil times we as god's people endure during these last days.
A sign of the times in which we live is evident by the increasing attacks being made against Jehovah and his People. Some apostates and wicked oppsers of Jehovah regularly try to make trouble for Jehovah's holy organziation. They try to use unexpecting worldly media to convey their message of demonic hatred masked by words of 'freedoms' offered. Some go so far as to make wild acusations against us, that Bethel is being used to make bombs or that the Society is a front for money laundrying or that Bethel is actually a part of the disgusting thing in a holy land, the wild beast of Revelation, the United Nations.
The Faithful and Discrete Slave and the thousands of volunteers Bethelites often shake our heads in amudsment when we see the extreme efforts of those who have returned to their own vomit. These apostates, vultures preying onthe spiritually weak, will soon face the wrath of the One True God, the ALmighty God Jehovah who's eye they are poking with their insolence and lies.
THis is a time for diligence and perserverance. A time for regular meeting attendance and personal study programs. Father's mothers now is the time to ensure your weekly family studies are happening and that you children are being strengthened to oppose these agents of the devil who would liek nothing better than to spiritually rape and devour your children.
Take the lessons learned at this convention to heart. We are living in wicked and perilous times. But while all others are running in fear, we as God's people raise our heads erect, for we know our deliverance is near.
Please be assured of our love and prayers for Jehovah's blessings to be upon you.
Your brothers in the faith,
Watchtower Bible and Tract Scoiety
(Please be advised that the author of the above parody has vomitted thrice while creating the drivel quoted above.)