Having been doubly mind-f*&ked by an organization that preaches peace and poor boundaries and a perfectionistic mother who hates conflict, I find myself still having great difficulty expressing my anger in a healthy way. My past response when angry was to cry or turn the anger on myself and become self-destructive, ultimately leading to suicidal thoughts. I find lately my subconscious percolating anger almost constantly. My dreams are filled with situations from my past where I've felt angry but couldn't express myself. Even in my dreams, my voice is muffled or I can't speak. I wake up most mornings with great tension through my whole body and sometimes even clenched fists.
The other day I beat the hell out of a pillow. But it didn't even feel like enough. I wanted to take aim at my concrete walls but knew that would severely damage my hands so I didn't, but the impulse to hit something was so strong. I've been having sore throats almost daily, which has always been a sign to me that I'm not expressing my anger.
I had a crap day at work yesterday and vented with some co-workers. I also pulled rank on a fellow employee who I was pretty pissed with. Now, my first inclination is to go back and apologize. My co-workers said not to. They said I handled things just fine, but there's part of me that always feels bad about not being nice all the time.
Anyone remember that talk "Do you harbor resentment or do you forgive?" God, that stupid outline is forever burned into my psyche. All that jabber about "If you sense your brother has some ill towards you, go and make peace with him." Bullshit. Maybe I don't like that person. Maybe I'm better off without them in my life. Maybe he pissed me off and I told him he was an ass and he deserved it. Now, you want me to make all nice? We never were allowed to have our human emotions now were we? We weren't allowed to create boundaries between ourselves and unhealthy people in the congregation. We weren't allowed to process things in our own time. Everything had such an urgency. "Don't let the sun set with you in a provoked state." Armagedddon was always looming, there was no time for rational thought or the taking of space was there?
Sigh.
tall penguin
Anyone still have trouble expressing anger?
by tall penguin 27 Replies latest jw friends
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tall penguin
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Gopher
I agree that the JW organization is the source of a lot of mental problems for its members and ex-members who were in it long enough.
I too remember that talk about forgiving. We were constantly counselled to be meek and yielding. That was the organization's way to manipulate us into being sheeple. Those of us who already had somewhat shy personalities were taken advantage of by the more wolflike ones in the congregation. (It made me angry to see people unforgiving and manipulative people sing that "Be Forgiving" song. How could they sleep with themselves?)
Why did I feel like I had to forgive and make peace, when hardly anybody ever reached out and made peace to me? I was always in giving mode, but rarely did people go out of their way to make peace with me or even apologize to me for things they did. It got harder and harder to be a JW as I got older, because of this lack of love.
You're right that we don't need to have great relationships with everyone we encounter in life. Some people don't deserve or appreciate the benefit of the doubt. I think that when it's necessary to put someone in their place (as you did), you increase your self-respect and you draw healthy boundaries between yourself and unhealthy people.
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tall penguin
"Why did I feel like I had to forgive and make peace, when hardly anybody ever reached out and made peace to me? I was always in giving mode, but rarely did people go out of their way to make peace with me or even apologize to me for things they did."
Yes! See this is the thing. It's tiring always being the one to make peace with people. If they really cared so much about the relationship, they should be at the very least making an equal effort. Most of the jw's I knew expected the other person to make amends. And unfortunately, I was that person. I was always monitoring relationships to see if I needed to apologize for something. Which meant I rarely said what I really felt because I was afraid to offend and have to clean up the mess afterwards. So much for authenticity.
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hillbilly
About the only thign that makes me angry is this situation.
Persons ask you to share what makes me angry..or I see a pettern in thier behavior and clue them in to what the buttons are....then
Person goes out of way to do whatever I mentioned.
Passive agressiveness makes me nuts...
~hill
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tall penguin
"Passive agressiveness makes me nuts..."
I hear ya hillbilly. -
Finally-Free
20 years as a JW was bad enough, but the family I come from was toxic and abusive long before we ever heard of the JWs. I've always had trouble expressing anger. Eventually the pendulum swung to the other extreme, and I became a little too good at expressing it. I think I've found a middle ground now, but it takes a conscious effort on my part.
I try to be forgiving, not for the sake of the offender but for the sake of my own mental, emotional, and physical health. Forgiving someone helps me get past the anger and the stress associated with it. Forgiving someone never means I'll allow them the opportunity to f*ck me over a second time.
W
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SnakesInTheTower
tall penguin...
good to see you here! I too hated that talk on forgiveness...the local elders tried to get me to give that outline when I was still an elder...phooey...never did. I did give a local needs talk once on being forgiving...but not the way they expected me to give it......my talk was more along the lines of ...sometimes we hear "turn the other cheek", but after awhile we run out of cheeks to turn.... so maybe we should quit doing/saying things that are hurtful and need forgiving of.....
.....sometimes we are so hurt that we cant forgive any more....
...at least thats what I tell the few JWs that still inquire about me. I am just too hurt to come back to the meetings.... (better than telling them I dont believe their bull$h*t anymore and post on a so-called "apostate" site. LOL)
Snakes ()
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Bumble Bee
I try to be forgiving, not for the sake of the offender but for the sake of my own mental, emotional, and physical health. Forgiving someone helps me get past the anger and the stress associated with it. Forgiving someone never means I'll allow them the opportunity to f*ck me over a second time.
Walter I hear ya! I'm going through something right now that really pisses me off and brings out the anger in me (that doesn't happen that often). I hate that this person can make me feel this way!! That is soooo not me. She won't have a second opportunity that's for damn sure. The relationship is forever changed.
BB
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sweetface2233
I'm not an angry person by nature, but my entire life I have had problems w/ any type of confrontation. I don't know if it has to do w/ being raised as a JW, being raised by a very insecure mother who constantly questions herself, or just being a female in a male dominated world. Whatever the case, I do carry quite a bit of emotional conflict that is very difficult to come to terms w/. I don't harbor anger or bitterness of any kind, well maybe a little toward my ex, but it's fading more everyday. I am an independent and strong chick, but I cower when it comes to confronting someone, especially men, about anything. For some reason, I fear that they will get angry and lash out at me.
I'm not sure if this is a connection, but quite recently I have been having frequent dreams where I will wake up and my heart is racing. In these dreams I, too, cannot yell, scream, or have my voice heard by anyone. It is becoming quite disturbing.
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lonelysheep
"Do you harbor resentment or do you forgive?" God, that stupid outline is forever burned into my psyche. All that jabber about "If you sense your brother has some ill towards you, go and make peace with him."
Was this in or after 2001? I think I remember it during my bid.
"Why did I feel like I had to forgive and make peace, when hardly anybody ever reached out and made peace to me? I was always in giving mode, but rarely did people go out of their way to make peace with me or even apologize to me for things they did."
Same here! It only caused me to suppress rage for people who were deliberately hurting me.
Nowadays, I just say what's on my mind. It's easy and no one has to guess what you're thinking, nor can they truly assume anything. I just have to be aware not to cross the line from outspoken to f'ing bitch.