(((((TJ)))))
I'm in awe of your strength. Your story is heart-breaking. Sad thing is, stories like yours are not in short supply in the organization.
How is your birth Mother? Do you keep in touch with her?
My story: "Pop!" goes the Little Circuit Breaker
by TJ - iAmCleared2Land 115 Replies latest jw friends
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KW13
Never let anyone tell you that you are not a remarkable man, you came through hell. I wish you the best in life and i hope you are happy
and stop saying sorry for making folks cry, honestly - its a disgrace a child/teenager and young adult had to go through all of that, i respect you so much for sharing it - THANK YOU
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Abandoned
Wow
((((((((((((TJ))))))))))))
That's quite a story. I hope you continue to heal.
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BreakingAway
TJ,
I'm very sorry you had to go through all of this and thank you for making the incredible effort of sharing it with us.Your experiences are truly heartbreaking.Normal people do not act the way your parents did/do.Such behavior is despicable to say the least.I was an elder for six years TJ and I came to see the same thing you mentioned, namely elders more concerned about their power and "prestige" instead of tender care for the sheep.Yes, there still are some good ones out there...but they're disappearing quickly.
The organization has become (always was ?) a cover for bad behavior, those who lack integrity and compassion can hide behind the guise of being a "godly one" while carrying out the most reprehensible acts.Rules, regulations and "logistics" overshadow love, justice and mercy.After nearly twenty years I left the org over six months ago.It was a long time coming and I will not be going back.Your strength and integrity set such a good, and inspiring, example.You are a truly special person TJ, never forget that.
BA
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mind my own
TJ:
Thanks for sharing the rest of this harrowing story with us. My heart goes out to you, and I am instilled with an amazing sense of awe and respect at your strength. Although I found this story so difficult to read, I continued on with it, b/c the least I could do is show my respect for you - if you had to go through it, then at least I could read it.
What you endured, no one should have to go through! You have come through it with flying colors (although you may not see it that way, I sure hope that you do!). I am so glad that your siblings also made the decision to leave the religeon as well.
What I love about you is, despite all your tribulations in life, you didn't ever loose your kindness, understanding and empathy. You sound like a wonderful man and you do everything with a whole heart.
Please know, if there were only something I could say to relieve your pain - I certainly would!!
You are very inspiring! You have made it through your dark times, the best is yet to come my friend!! Go out and live your life to the fullest, you deserve it - you have put in your time!!
Wishing many wonderful, fun filled and loving times for you.
Your friend,
MMO
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TJ - iAmCleared2Land
I promised, in Part V, the Conclusion, to post my sister's poem. It's contained in this unedited copy of the letter she gave to the Body of Elders at the beginning of the judicial matters.
And I'm no longer interested in protecting their identity or mine. Monsters like this need to be exposed, especially since they conceal their real nature so well.
So if any of you in Washington (Everett, Cashmere, Wenatchee) know Roy and Holly W., you know who the monsters are. (NOTE: IF YOU THINK YOU KNOW who they are, please PM me for verification, don't do it here... I don't want searchable threads with their last name in it).
Give 'em a look of "you're despicable" if you see 'em.
Dear Brothers;
There is so much pain and emptiness as I write these words If I could just forward the many poems I've written over the years you could understand the trauma that unfolds in this tragedy we call life. This just skims the top off the journey that I have been on.
As a small child I remember being afraid and alone the only solace I had was my brothers and sister. I was in trouble often for coming to their defense. I just wanted to stop their crying to make it ok for them. I would cry every night that Holly would die in her sleep and that Dad would get in an accident on the way home from work.
When they would hurt TJ I couldn't help him, he was an example of what not to do what not to be, when he excelled at the violin or cello they took it away from him because it was "something Satan was using to distract him". Never any balance always extremes. All he wanted was love, no one loved him, no one needed him, no one helped him.....He was beautiful and bright and they snuffed that right out of him he never had a chance... I am sorry for not telling before, I am sorry for not helping him, one night I went to his room and laid in his bed and cried with him, Holly heard us and got angry I was spanked hard and put back to bed and told how dirty it was for me to be in his bed, filthy girl go back to bed! that could lead to incest. "whatever"!
My real Mom took pictures at the doctor of how much they hurt him, when they switched him good... and then they said she lied that they were from her not them. They always but blame and judgement on everyone else..at my real Moms there wasn't always safety, she was messed up and lived a pretty bad lifestyle, I wonder at times what happened to her, my dad told me when I was 4 that she left because she was so jealous of our relationship, that she couldnt get over how much he loved me.
I was too young to know, I was always going to make everything ok when he would cry i would hold him...i would fix it.. things would be ok. he could sleep, I could not. I cried on my wedding night my Mom wasn't at my wedding, my brother wasn't allowed at my reception and my virginity was not there either.
Growing up I never felt strange about the way my Dad acted towards me, but as I grew up I could feel the way that other people would look at us like we were not ok. Even Holly would look weird at my Dad. Even still today if he comments on my hair, my scent, or other things Holly looks at him like "shut up Roy that is enough". I dont think that she knows, she loves him and I never wanted to tell her. When my Grandpa got in trouble for touching my sister, he touched me too, I didn't want to say anything I was afraid and didn't want my Dad to be talked about like my Grandpa. I am sorry to everyone I am sorry.
Besides I look like my mom and he really misses her.
I have one memory that frightens me that I cant get rid of, I pray it isn't true, I will tell my Dad in person someday how awful it is, but I am frightened by his mental state that he has told me he could just blow his brains out from what my brothers have been saying. I will share this poem because I am frightened by any other words-
PLEASE
Sleeping quietly
afraid of the darkness that envelopes me
Shadows fall on my wall
doors silently close
Why does this disturb my peace?
I dont want to awaken, keep your eyes closed
Let me rest this day
PLEASE
PLEASE
PLEASEBut the darkness is stil there, he talks
You must wake up now...see
I am frightened hold me, she left me
Hold me like I hold you
Touch me like I touch you
Kiss me like I kiss you
Good girl dont be afraid of the darkness
PLEASE
PLEASE
PLEASENo one will ever hurt you
as long as we promise to stay together, I will never leave you
Oh now dry your tears
Feel this, kiss me, oh do you like this? Its ok
It will always help the darkness, dont you be afraid
I am here now, I love you, Its ok now
I am frightened too, hold me
hold me like I hold you
Touch me like I touch you
Kiss me like I kiss you, good girl
dont be afraid of the darkness
PLEASE
PLEASE
PLEASELet me rest this day
sleeping quietly afraid
Why does he leave me when I am crying?....
afraid....
Please just let me rest this day
The darkness now returns
hush now you will wake the others
sleeping quietly...
close your eyes, Its almost morning
dont cry
doors silently close
He just can't even show love to his own, in the proper way. I could write volumes but I am exhausted, I am sorry for everyone who has been hurt. Maybe this will end the tragedy.
There is just so much to say but it hurts so bad. I will talk to my Dad, I need to, I just want to have him be ok.
Sorry for the spelling errors my computer isn't working very well and I am tired. -
tijkmo
I had prayed to Jehovah again, though, and apologized for testing him, and said I'd wait for his answer.
o man i can soo relate...as i was reading this i thought it so heart rending i started to laugh...at the absurdity of ever believing god was listening.
some lyrics i wrote about that...they might help
AAAAAH
IF WE COULD REVERSE
ALL THAT WENT BEFORE
WOULD WE CHOOSE TO DO IT ALL AGAIN
OR WOULD WE CHANGE OUR COURSE OF COURSE NO DOUBT
DARKNESS DESCENDS WITHOUT A WARNING
UNLIKE THE COLD PREDICTABILITY OF NIGHT
FROM WHICH THE SUN WILL RISE AGAIN
AND SHINE ITS LIGHT UPON YOUR WORLD
BUT OBSCURITY SURROUNDS ME NOW
ALL REASON TAKES A BOW
YOU SAID YOU’D CATCH ME WHEN NOT IF I FELL
YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO PROMISE THAT
BUT NOW TO PROVE YOUR WORDS ARE TRUE
THE OBLIGATION LIES WITH YOU
AND YOU WOULD NOT CRUSH A BROKEN REED
OR EXTINGUISH A FLAXEN WICK
AAAAAH
LOOK ME IN THE EYE
AND TELL ME THAT YOU KNOW
JUST BECAUSE IT’S WHAT YOU CHOSE TO BELIEVE
IT DOES NOT MAKE IT SO OH NO NO WAY
HOWEVER EXPERT WE MAY FEEL WE ARE
IGNORANCE WILL GET US IN THE END
AND BURIED DEEP BENEATH THE AVALANCHE
OF YOUR INADEQUACIES
LIES THE SOULS OF THOSE WHO CRIED FOR AID
WHO STILL REGRET THE PRICE THEY PAID
AND STILL THEY WISH FOR VOICES HEARD
AS THEY SHOUT OUT IN VAIN
WE PRAY WE PLEAD A GOD WHO ISN’T THERE
BESEECH A GOD WHO DOES NOT CARE
AND IN SKIN BOTTLES YOU SAVE OUR TEARS
HOW MANY SKINS HOW MANY TEARS
HOW MANY SKINS HOW MANY TEARS
HOW MANY TEARS
HOW HAPPY ON THE MERCIFUL SINCE THEY’LL BE MERCY SHOWN
WHILE PRINCES RULE FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS
YEAH I THINK THAT COVERS BLOWN
COMPASSION AND CRUELTY LIVE SIDE BY SIDE IN ONE HEART
AND ANYONE IS CAPABLE OF BOTH
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TJ - iAmCleared2Land
tij, amazing, thought provoking lyrics--WELL DONE... do you have music that goes with them? I'd love to hear them sung...
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Odrade
TJ, I am so glad you and your brother and sisters have all made your way out of that torture. I hope you all can find joy and safety.
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LouBelle
HI TJ - again thank you. You are in my thoughts and please don't think it empty if I say you are in my prayers as well.
To everyone else - you know we are oceans/distance/countries apart and yet we are all connected, we have different stories but we've all been freed!!! Thank you for being here and may we always be there for each other.