OTWO and others with mates still in....please help!!!!!!

oompa

I have always been a very social person with many friends....a bit of a partier my whole life. My wife of 11 years is not like that, and not like me in so many other ways....but hey, we had the third cord in our marriage (not god...WT). Now since I am leper now, I have virtually no social life. Trying to start one is awful....cause wife is so suspicious...."your going where?? to meet who??? how do you know these people??? you can't be going to meet apostates you met on jwd!?!?!?"

How long can you hang in there like this? I am not a patient person by nature, and right now can't see her ever changing. So how long do I want to live like this? I do not like the thought of starting over at this point in life, especially when I have such a fine wife. I feel I owe it to her to hang in here awhile, but it is killing me......I want more freedom.....to not have to sneak around in any way. Very conflicted.................oompa

sass_my_frass

Okay I'm no OTWO, but I think that you MUST take up a new regular hobby. At first, something that won't make her sus, like a community college class one night per week in, well who cares, welding? Home computer repairs? Google your local place now and pick a short course.

If you had your life over, what would be your top ten career preferences? Write that list down, and then pick from that some new hobbies or interests to take up. Then get into them; classes, libraries, research. Get something in your life happening besides being a leper - get into things that will get you in contact with people whose company you enjoy because you have genuine common interests. Do this for a year and see what happens. You might find something that gives you a whole new lease on life.

changeling

You are an extrovert, you NEED social interaction. You have to find a way to explain this to your wife. You also have to find away to ease her fears. She is suffering too. She fears losing you.

How's the drinking issue? If you don't stay sober, you make more trouble for both of you. How can she trust you with other people if she can't trust you with a bottle of Evan Williams?

I'm sorry for sounding harsh, but you know my intentions are good.

The only one you can can control is YOU. Take care of you and the rest will fall into place.

changeling (I guess brunch is off?)

fokyc

Although I am much older than you, I know and understand just how you are feeling.

YOU MUST either tolerate and live comfortably with the situation OR start making new friends and new pusuits.

Do NOT let it get you going in a bad direction like booze or drugs.

Best wishes,

fokyc

jgnat

Your wife must know you well enough by now that your social needs are higher than hers. How about negotiating how many nights you can be out and about? Find out how much she needs to know about these events to be comfortable. There are some things she might NOT want to know. Introverts need their space, too. If you approach this the right way (she gets some needed peace those nights) she might come around.

I have the opposite problem. My JW hubby has even HIGHER social needs than I do. When I've met my "apostate" friends, he just HAS to come along out of pure curiosity and comaraderie.

carla

So what if you were to meet 'apostates' from jwd? do you approve of her 'friends' at the hell? Once again a jw asking someone to do what they are not willing to do themselves. She wants to control who you meet with but will not agree to stop seeing the immoral ungodly jw's she sees. Tough. You may need to get a life with or without her. Let her know she is welcome but you will not stop living because the jw's think you unworthy of a life. It is hard to get a new life but not impossible. She is suspicious? She can get over it or not, it is her choice. Personally I find the jw's more immoral than any so called worldly people I know. The mere fact that the wt needed to address the wife swapping issue in its literature speaks volumes. (yes it was long ago, but still.... and that is only one example)

OnTheWayOut

Sass_my_frass is correct. Get a hobby or a class that causes interaction. If you have a suspicious
wife, tell her you can sign her up. If you really can't take the adult classes route, then volunteer
somewhere (non-religious obviously). Visit children in the hospital or old folks homes. Try
meetup.com and see what kind of groups are meeting in your area.

I find that I need the association of ex-JW's. I have membership in A.A., so that's my official support
group. My other support group consists of ex-JW's but I don't say that I have an other support group.
I don't lie, I just don't say everything.

Many A.A. groups have a "club" for members and family. Try joining that, too. They might play
billiards, darts, ping pong, cards, watch sports. Ask around.

I would love to travel and visit more ex-JW's. There are tons of them within a few hours of here, but
I must be content with a little bit.

If you are sure you are not ready for any of that, or that the wife will not trust you, then start with
projects at home. Something you want to build or plant or paint or whatever. Eventually, (no matter
how the result is) your wife will see that you are trying to stay busy. She will understand that you
need interests outside the home.

worldtraveller

Oompa, at this point, you seem to be able to hold it together better than I would.

Anyone who says that word might as well refer to my personal friends as losers or pond scum because that's what I think people really mean when they say that, so if you remained calm after hearing that, you are doing better than me!

I go for long walks at least 3 times a week . Many times with a long term friend. It's a healthy escape. I treat my body as best as I can. Booze is seldom on my mind unless offered by someone. You need to walk away from that and maybe get a membership at a gym?

Maybe you should have a heart to heart with your spouse. Find out if there is any love left for you. I personally wouldn't waste any more time with someone who pays way more attention to the Jehovah corporation than me. If she is truly lost in it, then you should find friendship elsewhere.

Do you have kids? That brings a whole different perspective to this. Most here probably would suggest staying for the kids. I would agree. But if there's nothing left and splitting assets are no problem, then the inevitable might be the solution.

I am not sure if I could live in such misery for the rest of my life. It also depends on your age. 30 and under, pack your bags. Over 30, find some common ground.

Good luck. Bill.

CHILD

Volunteering and aking adult classes are excellent choices. I made dates with my husband. If your children are young, then plan family night. When making time to go for walks, to the movies or volunteering, be sure to always invite your wife. Think of places and pasttimes she likes. Keep in mind your goal: to be the best husband you can be. My parents (non-JWs) have been married more than 40 years and always make time for each other and we as children always understood they are a unit.

leftbelow

Wow I wish I had some silver bullet solutions but all I know is for me and my wife I had to get her to agree to meet others on nuetral grounds. This ment to find couples with unbelieving or "weak" mates so the women could get support and the men could hang out without the presure to go to meetings. So far it has worked out really well this may not work for everyone but it is working for us. Take care man and I know how you feel I have been there.

OTWO and others with mates still in....please help!!!!!!

Share this