OTWO and others with mates still in....please help!!!!!!

by oompa 19 Replies latest jw friends

  • Finally-Free
    Finally-Free

    I've always been a bit introverted, but I still had a lot of friends before I was a JW. On becoming a JW I lost all my friends, and found no new ones in the cult. I eventually got married, but still had virtually no social life outside of that with my spouse. Over the next 16 years I lost many of the few social skills I had. When I left the cult my spouse deeply resented the few friends I made, especially those that were also ex-jws. She seemed to think that I should be content to be a recluse, since I was an ex-jw. She even insisted that I was "emotionally abusing her" because I developed friendships outside of the JWs. She seemed to think she was entitled to 100% of my attention and affection, while giving me only crumbs in return. I felt like a leper in my own home. Eventually I left.

    Whether introverted or extroverted, all humans need social interaction to be mentally and emotionally healthy and happy. There's no getting around it. Even though I'm introverted by nature, I force myself to get out and socialize with people even when I'd much rather not, which is most of the time. That, more than anything else, is what gets me out of the depressed states I'm often in.

    Hobbies, courses, and volunteer work are great ways to expand your social network. Invite your wife to join you in these. Even if she doesn't join you, she can never rightly say she's being excluded from your pursuits, and it reduces cause for suspicion.

    W

  • Hortensia
    Hortensia

    what good advice!!!

  • primitivegenius
    primitivegenius

    ok your wife i take it is going to those 5 meetings a week correct? so what do you do while shes away? you have gotten loads of good options already on this thread and if you can schedule them while she is at the meetings then you wont be interfearing with the time she expects from you. probably will want to make those activities completely innocent since although you invite her........ she gonna pick the meetings.

    make it seem comletely natural that you would find new things to do on meeting nights and college is a great place to start that way she will KNOW your not sneaking around doing things that she wouldnt approve of....... then after that whatever you choose......... she will be used to the idea that your gonna go have fun then.

    activities are always gonna be prefered to the chance that you will sit at home and get drunk........... so i would think that she would be all for activites. care in chooseing which ones is needed since you would want to pick things that are as far away from drinking as possible. the AA family events that were mentioned might be absolutely a god send for this purpose.

    good luck finding your social outlet

  • oompa
    oompa
    Carla: So what if you were to meet 'apostates' from jwd? do you approve of her 'friends' at the hell? Once again a jw asking someone to do what they are not willing to do themselves. She wants to control who you meet with but will not agree to stop seeing the immoral ungodly jw's she sees. Tough. You may need to get a life with or without her. Let her know she is welcome but you will not stop living because the jw's think you unworthy of a life. It is hard to get a new life but not impossible. She is suspicious? She can get over it or not, it is her choice. Personally I find the jw's more immoral than any so called worldly people I know.

    Carla, so sorry you may have been around "immoral ungodly jws" but that is not the case here....I really miss my friends...but not enough to go to the hall to see them....these are really great people we were close to and not self-righteous. Some will still come over when invitend...some stop by....but seems like I have not been invited over in a LOOOOONG time...................oompa

  • oompa
    oompa
    worldtraveler:

    Maybe you should have a heart to heart with your spouse. Find out if there is any love left for you. I personally wouldn't waste any more time with someone who pays way more attention to the Jehovah corporation than me. If she is truly lost in it, then you should find friendship elsewhere.

    Do you have kids?

    There is love left for me, and I have put her through so much with this awakening that she cant handle total honest right now...She is truly lost in it, but so were lots of us and I want to give her a chance to see the light. My kids are not really kids...a hard core 20 year old reg. pioneer mini serv with a bethel app in, and one older son df'd (coming over to see the packers game tonight with his dfd roommate!! and wife is home...I begged)..........................oompa

  • oompa
    oompa
    primitivegenius: you have gotten loads of good options already on this thread and if you can schedule them while she is at the meetings then you wont be interfearing with the time she expects from you. probably will want to make those activities completely innocent since although you invite her........ she gonna pick the meetings.

    PG, that sounds simple at first, but the meetings are a very short window of time. I feel like I am in high school trying to figure out how to play hooky without getting caught. Changleing and her husband have a lot in common with me and live nearby....I cant even frikkin figure out how to say I going to Sunday bruch with some new friends that I only know from JWD!!!!!!!!!!! I do not want to lie, but what a bunch of $hit!!!!!! I just want to get to know some people I have a lot in common with....she would FREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.........................oompa

  • The Oracle
    The Oracle

    give it time oompa, I think your wife will come around.

    never say never....there is always hope!

    If hardcore JWs like me can wake up, so can she.

    you WILL get through this okay, Oompa!

    peace

    The Oracle

  • OnTheWayOut
    OnTheWayOut
    There is love left for me, and I have put her through so much with this awakening that she cant handle total honest right now...She is truly lost in it, but so were lots of us and I want to give her a chance to see the light.

    That's a beautiful statement, Oompa.

    I have to agree.

    As far as your former friends, if you aren't attending the meetings, most JW's are ready to drop you.
    Mourn for their loss and find those new friends in the ways suggested or your own way.
    My best friend is a JW, but he lives several hours away from me. He wouldn't hang out with me if
    he lived down the street because of my fade. He would drop me, so that the "weakness" doesn't
    spread.

    For the record, I was slow getting out and finding new people to spend time with. My co-workers
    could be great friends, but they love to drink. If I weren't an alcoholic, I would have a great time with
    them.

  • wildfell
    wildfell

    oompa, I would like to say how much I feel for you right now. If I could put in my two cents worth, I would say:

    Listen to changeling :

    You also have to find away to ease her fears. She is suffering too. She fears losing you.

    Let your wife know that you are the same oompa. Tell her that you are totally committed to her and your marriage. Show her that by taking her out to dinner, compliment her (sincerely), buy her a small gift as a surprise, do the dishes and tidy the house while she is at the meetings, put a load of washing on. And if I may be so bold as to reiterate what others have said, please stop drinking. (that is, if you are not already doing these things!!)

    My suggestion would be to definately go ahead and plan activities on non-meeting nights. Then, don't just invite her, but tell her you would really like her with you, would she please come? Try and plan something that would interest her too if possible? I really believe in the saying "you attract more flies with honey than with vinegar". Just remember that your wife loves you too. She'll be wanting to please you as well.

    You and your wife are both in a time of transition. I just read an article by a motivational speaker who said "Do not apply a permanent solution to a temporary issue." Just something to think about.

    I wish you peace, oompa.

    kind regards

    wildfell

  • Chalam
    Chalam

    Hi oompa,
    Are you still in then?

    If you still have one foot in the camp you are enslaved to the WT.

    If not then why aren't you going out and making friends and such? Your wife can only divorce you if you commit adultery right?


    However, true freedom is found here and you won't find it as a JW.

    Galatians 5:1 (New International Version)

    Freedom in Christ

    1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

    All the best,
    Stephen

Share this

Google+
Pinterest
Reddit