Hi Shadow. Sorry about the last comment. I never meant to seriously imply you should leave your wife. I'm in the same situation myself. It isn't the end of the world...no matter what she says!
Below are some good words of advice from someone who used to post here, Check_Your_Premises:
(This is from: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/20/104475/1.ashx )
Well just to give you a little background on how JW's view the rest of the non-jw world: They basically see you as a bug...the JW think that the only way to survive Jehovah's wrath at armageddon is to be a jw.
So just take that one simple truth and work out the implications about how his/her JW loved ones (mom, brother, father, and even your bf/gf) feel about you.
On the other hand, if they are dating a worldly person like you he/she is obviously taking a step away from the org by having you as a bf/gf. Your bf/gf likely has some doubts, but they have been brainwashed since birth. So you need to understand that when you talk to them and poke holes in their logic, you are likely butting against years of indoctrination. So here are a few tips for talking to ANYONE who is under the influence of mind control (sounds spooky and glamorous but actually it is quite simple, subtle, and very powerful)
1. Never criticize the org. You can run down other religions ALL DAY. If you are hoping to help them see a flaw in the JW, the best way to do this is point out how messed up some OTHER religion is for doing the same thing. Don't close the loop by saying, "Hey, the JW do this also!" They will (if they want to) make the connection on their own. Play dumb.
2. You are only a student in the eyes of a jw, a potential recruit. You are never a teacher of them. This is your angle though. By being genuinely interested in them as a person, you can ask them questions that force them to THINK.
3. Always be very friendly and humble when you ask questions. The second you have an agenda, or sound like you are trying to win an argument, they will run away.
4. Always try to build his trust. If they don't trust you, and think you are a threat to them surviving Armageddon, they will run away. If you are genuinely interested, they can and will talk to you.
5. Talk about religion only if you have to. Mostly just try to make them feel like a real person.
Some questions you could ask (only if they trust you!):
1. How sure are you that this is the right religion? ON a scale from 1 to 10?
2. Isn't it funny how many religions say they are the only right one, and all other ones are bad. I mean really, how could you know if yours is the right one for sure. Especially if you are raised in it and that is all you know?
3. If it wasn't the right religion would you want to know? If you found out it wasn't, would you leave?
4. Have you ever tried to see if there is anything that proves the stuff they say is wrong? Have you ever looked on the internet? I mean if it is the "truth" what do you have to be afraid of? And besides, don't you want to know what people might say about the jw, so you could know how to respond?
Required Reading:
Releasing the Bonds and Combatting Cult Mind Control, both by Steven Hassan. (Letting your loved one see you with this will likely cause them to lose trust in you!)
Wife has gone back to the Organization...what can I expect??
by Shadow1 34 Replies latest jw friends
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M.J.
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R.Crusoe
Quite true that she may not have lied to you but neither did she mention it and you have to admit it is a major point! She in her mind would think it nothing because obviously how can getting you to paradise not be and also you have her - what more could you want! This sort of thing is what I detest in some people - a nicey nicey aproach which takes zero account of how it might make the other person feel or change their life or affect their whole image they thought they were joining up with! If it were an embracing culture which was willing to explore others wishes and pursuits I could understand it but it is restrictive, concealing and manipulative in coercing others lives to synchronise with theirs!
This is no reflection from me of how I view your partner whom I do not know - just some general perceptions I hold that you may wish to consider! God luck and I hope you both realize a happy outcome.
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Shadow1
I can't believe all the reponses I have been getting to my query. Thank you all very much.
Allow me to recap my situation...My wife had been a JW since the age of 14, when she and her sisters where baptised into the religion, as she calls it. She remained a JW all through her first marriage, and raised her children the same. Only her her son, was not baptised. Her two daughters were. One daughter is trying to return after a lengthy absence, and the other has no intention of doing so. She is enjoying Christmas's with her young son far too much!! Which, by the way, I was the one who attended the child's Christmas Pageant at the school, not my wife.
Apparently, in the last year or so of her first marriage, she felt she was not leading the life of a "good JW", so she basically just stopped going to the hall and such. I guess she was "fading" away? So, anyway, I met her after about two years after her divorce, and we dated for a year. A few months ago, shortly before our first anniversary, she told me that she would like to return to the JW religion. Now, I do not know much about any religion (I do not believe in God), but I am the kind of person that totally repects other people's beliefs, and would not stand in her way. However, I have told her that there is no possible way that I would ever join her for any meetings, or have anything to do with it personally, short of family funerals and the like. I can tolerate seeing her books and magazines in the house. I don't mind if she has her friends over for coffee. However, I have told her that she will never hold a book study in my home. I draw the line at seeing 10 or 20 people sitting in my livingroom reading their books and bibles. Somehow it doesn't sit well with this "atheist"!!
Again, thank you all for your concern and encouraging words...I'll be back!!
Shadow1
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M.J.
Also, determine what led her to leave the org in the first place. What has changed? Why does she now think she needs to go back? These are key questions that you ought to get to the bottom of. She most certainly has doubts, but she's suspending them in favor of an emotional need. It could very likely be the fears ingrained by the org through her formative years. Certain events in ones life trigger deep seated fears to come screaming back.
Before any reasoning will do any good, fears must be dealt with first. Find out what her fears are, and figure out how to counteract them. Make her understand the difference between a rational fear and a phobia.
There's more on this in Steven Hassan's books.
But remember, find out what's driving her back in, and what led her out in the first place. That is key. Everyone leaves for differing reasons.
You see, the WTS has crafted an image of reality for its followers. Let's call it a model of reality. Not that this is unique to what some would call a cult--everyone has their own individual model of reality based on "input" from the world around them. We all filter the input to a large degree, but what the WTS and other cults do, however, is to condition its followers to filter the input to the point where only input from THEM is accepted into that model. They then boast that every one of their members have "perfect unity", or that everyone's "model" is uniform. But even so, the method isn't completely foolproof. There are many variables in everyone's experience which they cannot control...thus one person's model will vary a bit from another's. One person's model will have a foundation built on certain key assumptions, while another's will rely more upon other ideas. Your job is to find out the most about her model as possible and what those key assumptions are...and how to dismantle them...carefully. -
parakeet
My sincere condolences, shadow.
You picked a good nickname, because if your wife goes back into the cult the whole way (and that's what they demand), you will become a mere shadow in her life, and she will feel it's her god-given duty to pressure you to join too.
My only advice is to resist the pressure and try to reason with her. Best of luck.