My Current Battle

KW13

Ranting individuals need not reply. I need encouragement and general advice, personal accounts etc.

Am i a Christian or am i not? If i am not, what am i?

I've come to a point where i'm not sure whether or not i want to believe in anything, at the moment i'm confused as to whether i am a believer or whether i am someone recovering from indoctrination.

I feel that i've not had a 'pure' opportunity to decide if i want to be a believe and although the thought has been in the back of my mind, the conditioning has made me delay it and my current circumstances and poor health are forcing me to face it - i fear facing it will make me worse because its yet another thing i am not really mentally strong enough to deal with.

Is it natural i fear what being an atheist means for me. I worry that taking that step will somehow take away any pleasure or enjoyment from life and will prevent me coming to feel about God like i used to...the whole thing has started to feel empty. Like talking to a wall sometimes, i feel bad about this because a lot of the times i blame it on myself and think that somehow i am failing but a little voice inside me makes me ask...maybe its the fact God isn't there.

Have i somehow become involved in another 'cult' when i see people being prayed over and see them fall over from 'the holy spirit' and i even hear about what appear to be healings from people i know who don't lie. When i prayed my son was going to a healthy baby because we were told of a risk he'd be down syndrome and he comes out healthy...was this God or chance? When my son was born and he wasn't breathing properly, i thought i was going to lose him then and there and he made it through, was this because i left the room and stood in the hall shouting at God? What about the people who do lose Children?

Its such a big thing to face...should i delay it again, is this what is holding me back? Partly religion was ruined for me by the Witnesses like when people say jehovah i almost cringe because i think of what i left immediately...help...anyone...

AWAKE&WATCHING

I remember being so overwhelmed by that very thing that I couldn't even think straight.

Then I realized that I don't have to figure it out all at once. I decided to take a breather and not worry about it. Just let it be.

I'm on a journey, my journey, one day at a time.

If there is a God - then he knows my heart and I don't believe he would require me to be able to figure it all out. If he does then I don't want to worship him anyway.

cognizant dissident

KW13:

You sound exactly like me two years ago. You already are an atheist and you just haven't accepted it yet. You can't un-know what you KNOW!. I went through a phase where I didn't believe in God so I thought there was no purpose to life because all religion teaches you that worshipping God, serving God, is the ultimate purpose to life. All the beauty and spirituality of life is still there when you are atheist. Sometimes it is even heightened, because you realize it is a short gift and you have to make the most of it while you have it. There is no happily ever after. However, the upside is that YOU get to choose your own higher purpose, one that has deep meaning for you, and use your life to serve that purpose and give your life the spiritual depth of meaning that humans crave.

Cog

worldtraveller

I have often wondered if any of what I am trying to believe is actually true. So I keep an open mind. After all it is better to be a person of some faith, rather than not. If it turns out to be a crock, then nothing happens and life goes on. If it's true, then everything falls into place-slowly but surely.

I think the problems for most people looking for faith is that they over analyze ad infinitum. Sort of sucks the fun out of it.

As far as the name Jehovah, whenever is hear is I think of the Jehovah real estate corp. When I think of faith, I think of the life and times of Jesus. The bible if you believe it, tells us this. Do I follow the bible to it's fullest-not at all. Is this a conflict? To some maybe-to me -no. After all isn't that what faith is all about.

Finally I have noticed that most religions preach the need to fear. What a crock this is. Faith is love. Love has squat to do with fear. Fearful is what JW's want you to be. It is a contradiction. My Jw asociate cannot understand why I do not fear death. The answer is simple-the end is inevitable, so as Hulk Hogan says "whatcha gonna do brother"? Answer- live well and live in peace. You will live longer and healthier. Bill.

KW13

Firstly thank you all for being so open and honest with me that was appreciated. I am struggling to think straight right now and i do worry that i am an atheist, but why am i worried? what am i scared of and can i help it if i just cant go on believing some of this stuff...crazy isnt it lol. I am so screwed up over it right now.

I keep wondering on whether i should try avoiding the church completely for a while and see how my mind/life goes and try unplugging myself for a bit just to see if i can 'sample' atheism and go cold turkey for a while and get a real balanced view, although i've not really been a church regular for a while now.

My problem at first i thought was just with organized religion so i started picking and choosing bits i liked and i even convinced myself i felt it possible to have a meaningful relationship with God without any form of organization because obviously deep down i had problems with that view, being an ex jw and everything....do i believe in hell? no...a nice reward at the end? of course... is there any such thing as too late? hope not and so on and so forth. Then i grew up a bit and now i think, i am not going to do this for just the reward and i'm not going to do this just because it provides the kind of structure i miss from being a Witness, i want to do it for the sense of fulfillment and true spirituality...wait wheres it gone...aaaaah

I even felt guilty about posting this.

Gopher

Is it natural i fear what being an atheist means for me. I worry that taking that step will somehow take away any pleasure or enjoyment from life

I think it's an adjustment. Fear of the unknown is a human reaction. After I settled in and accepted my atheism, I put my energy into fully appreciating humanity and the good people do and the good I might be able to do for them. It's "secular humanism", doing good for others -- not out of hope for reward or fear of punishment, but because it is right and feels right.

When i prayed my son was going to a healthy baby because we were told of a risk he'd be down syndrome and he comes out healthy...was this God or chance?

Probably neither "God or chance". Your son already didn't have the syndrome when you said this prayer (I'm assuming you said the prayer when your wife was carrying him).

When my son was born and he wasn't breathing properly, i thought i was going to lose him then and there and he made it through, was this because i left the room and stood in the hall shouting at God? What about the people who do lose Children?

The 50% success ratio of prayers (whether urgent or not) indicates a certain randomness, meaning no god is involved in whether certain children survive and others don't.

KW13

Your total and complete honest thoughts on this matter make me envious you can live this way and not be afraid, yet i wonder whether i would be going backwards by leaving religion behind...i hate being in this place.

Were any of you this afraid and did atheism sit better with you than being a believer ever did?

AlmostAtheist

>>see if i can 'sample' atheism and go cold turkey for a while and get a real balanced view, although i've not really been a church regular.

I don't think atheism is a choice, per se. It's what you're left with when you decide not to make any of the other choices.

Have you tried visiting one of those UU churches? Unitarian Universalist, I think it stands for. They are (as I understand it, I've never been) a church without doctrine, including the nature or even existence of god. That might be a softer place for you to visit to explore your spirituality, apart from any doctrine.

One thing that JWism ingrained in us is that doctrine is important. To most people going to church, it just isn't. As a JW, I was amused by the church-goers that didn't even know what their church taught. Truth is, *I* was the one to be laughed at, because I didn't "get" that they weren't attending church to follow some rulebook, they were there to worship their god. Even under the auspices of an organized religion, they were there to worship in their own way. Trinity/no-trinity, hell/no-hell, it didn't matter.

I guess what I'm driving at is you're battling with the question of whether god exists or not. So deal with that, outside of any doctrine that any religion might teach.

BTW, I have a friend that thinks of god like a scent. You can't describe it, and you can't "get it" from reading about it. You have to experience it. And the fact that you can't describe it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. (Needless to say, I don't buy that. But I like the idea.)

Dave

worldtraveller

Hey KW! You know you don't need to go a full 180 degrees. Maybe just explore and find happiness in where you want to go. Doesn't matter what we think-it only matters what YOU think. However I do think you should be happy and accept what's on our way (whatever it is).

Atheists know nothing more than the Pope does. It's all guesswork-or perhaps in some cases, faith. Last night I looked out the window and stared in awe the full moon. Awesome. How did it get there? The fact is that it IS there and it's there for us to enjoy, not to explain. More fun that way ! B.

Open mind

I'm sending you a PM.

OM

My Current Battle

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