Business v. friendship

sweetface2233

I have touched on this subject in public a few times and have discussed in detail w/ a few posters exactly what happened between my former best friend and I. To make a long story short, he borrowed money from me (several thousand $) and, in my opinion, carelessly went on a spending spree w/in the next several months. I confronted him about it, and essentially was given the boot due to it. At first, I was practically devestated (just like any break-up from a LTR), but now I am over it and have been able to give more focus to my other friends, as well as make new ones.

He and I had minimal contact since the beginning of August to the beginning of January. We had only discussed repayment of the loan w/ minimal personal details. However, lately he is getting more personal w/ his conversations and calling me, "Because I was thinking about you and wanted to check in and see how you are doing". I have given him very little details of my life since August, as I don't want to open up to someone who treated me so harshly when I addressed how he made me feel. I answer all of his IMs and emails w/in minutes, as I am not the type of person to ignore someone. But, I can't bring myself to answer the phone when he calls. (I know, contradicts my previous statement, but he can see when I am on-line.) He was my best friend for almost 18 months and when I listen to his v/ms, I get upset remembering how close we were and how much fun we had compared to how distant we are now. I am afraid that if I hear his voice in real time, I may break down and start babbling about how I miss what we used to have.

I am home sick today and he caught me on-line and opened up a discussion about a tax refund and when I should be expecting more funds. As I am charging him interest on the loan, I told him that I would reconfigure his payment schedule and give him an amortization table regarding his payments and how they are going to be applied to the principle and interest. He shot back w/ a thank you email, but then proceeded to tell me how much he still cares about me and these past 6 months have been very weird for him and he would like to, sometime, talk to me about them. As someone who is now confused by the actions of many men in her life, I wonder if he says these things to get me to be more lenient regarding interest rates, payment schedules, and to total balance owed. I hate being this untrusting, but I have been used and hurt too much and for too long to believe any other way.

Odrade

Can you tell him that you can only re-visit the idea of friendship if the lines regarding the loan can be kept completely clear and separate? He may be under the impression that you are ONLY upset with him over the money, and since he's repaying the money responsibly, things should be a-okay with the two of you socially too.

sweetface2233

Hey Odrade! I didn't return his email and I am wondering if I should. I don't want to give him false hope that we will be close friends again, but I also don't want to become a heartless and cold. No one is perfect, but I have a very hard time dealing w/ and am getting very tired of guys who take whatever they want from me and then vanish into thin air. For some reason I am attracting the type of guys that think it's OK to use women.

Odrade

So here's a question: When you make friends with someone (guys or gals,) do you routinely feel compelled to give them things that have tangible value? (Lending money, gifts that cost money, your business skills at no charge, etc?) Can you have a friendship where you don't give anything except friendship?

I ask because it seems to be a common thing where people seem to think that they have to prove their friendship by giving something of monetary value. Maybe you've kind of slid into that feeling, and now you have people coming around who take advantage of your generosity instead of being just interested in your friendship?

Could you make a rule for yourself that you will not give gifts worth more than $5 (or whatever) until you are sure you have a clear idea of where your personal boundaries are, and how to get them to work? (just brainstorming... I have a lot of trouble with this one too.)

sweetface2233

No, not really. He is the only friend that I have loaned any money to or bought anything extravegant for (Christmas 2006). But, many former friends of mine (men and women) and guys I have dated seem to take me for granted, walk all over me, and then disappear into thin air when they've gotten enough of me.

Odrade

What ways are they able to take you for granted and walk all over you? Time? Interests? You always do what the other person wants?

For myself, until/unless I'm able to pin down HOW I'm being taken advantage of, it's not likely I'll figure out how to stop it. I'll just keep going through the same scenario but with different people. Kinda sucks.

sweetface2233

Yeah, it does suck. I do have 4 girlfriends that, over the past 6-12 months I have gotten very close to. 2 live in DC and 2 live elsewhere, but it helps that they expect nothing from me but a friendship. It just really bothered me this afternoon that we were in the middle of discussing his payment schedule and he threw a few sentences in about how much he still cares about me. It was completely out of place and had no bearing on his loan. I guess I was just frustrated and curious if he threw that in there to get me to be more understanding about his financial situation. That's his problem, not mine.

wanderlustguy

Business vs. friendship is a tough line to keep, and no one but you knows if you are in a comfortable zone for yourself. One of my closest friends was also my boss, we would go at it like pit bulls, but once the issue had been addressed, we were both able to put it aside and be friends, almost instantly. A lot of guys can do this and it could be the case with you. But on the friend side you may want to address the harshness and share how it affects your friendship since it left the boundaries of "business acceptable conversation" for YOU.

Like I said...tough line.

WLG

BlackPearl

Sweet,

This could have saved you a lot of headaches.

www.prosper.com

sweetface2233

Oh believe me, I learned my lesson in loaning people money. My last name isn't Bank & Trust. I think I heard somewhere that money is the root to all evil or something like that.

Business v. friendship

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