Are you honest with your kids?

JWdaughter

My daughter is a talented cartoonist and makes the funniest sketches. Way too much irony for a 16 yo! She isn't technically proficient exactly, but she captures a mood so well that I halfway think if she were 'better' it might ruin the charm. I don't think that is mommy talking, cause I have never given my kids false praise. Some teachers think I am mean, but I figure when I am enthusiastic, they will know I really mean it. My mom lied so much about how beautiful and talented we were that to this day I never quite her telling me my food is good or my house looks pretty. I am pretty honest with them about everything they do. I encourage them, I do find the good in things I critique, but I don't give lavish praise when they haven't done anything remarkable. I will compliment a good, valid effort etc. I don't criticize unnecessarily or anything, but I want some credibility with my kids.

How do the rest of you handle this kind of thing? Am I dooming them to some sort of nasty behavior later? (so far one drives too fast, but that is the extent of societal concerns)

(this all grew out of me getting a bit off topic in a thread about the kind of art we liked. I cut this and thought I would explore the thing with you here)

sass_my_frass

Don't make it an excuse not to give praise when it is earned. My mum starved us all of praise as if a compliment from her was some kind of precious gift. I just came to think of her as impossible to please and gave up trying.

Hortensia

I read somewhere (nothing to back this up, obviously, but it makes sense) that it's more important to praise kids for trying and for persisting than for success - they'll be happier more successful people. I think that's true. At least you praise your children for something, my mother and other JW parents I knew only believed in criticism.

mama1119

I pretty much tell my daughter everything she does is amazing. She has these big blue eyes and when she is looking at me for praise, I can't help but give it to her, even if we she has created it horrific! She is learning how to clean her room right now...and bless her sweet little heart, she is no good at it...but she is sooo proud of herself that I end up telling her how wonderful her room looks.

RisingEagle

"My daughter is a talented cartoonist and makes the funniest sketches. Way too much irony for a 16 yo! She isn't technically proficient exactly, but she captures a mood so well that I halfway think if she were 'better' it might ruin the charm"

Your help is exposing her to others or fellow students that can offer her the kind of advice or help she won't take from you, or obviously her teachers. You're making easier for her.

frankiespeakin

JWD,

but I don't give lavish praise when they haven't done anything remarkable. I will compliment a good, valid effort etc. I don't criticize unnecessarily or anything, but I want some credibility with my kids.

I'm all for encourging kids, but don't want them to thrive on it or become addicted to lavish praise,, I find it much better to encourage them toward being true to themselves and not so hung up on what others think of them.

I actually try to talk to them like they are grownups, and answer thier questions as truthfully as possible. Hey I remember when I was a kid and so remembering what it was like and how I felt goes a long way in how you talk to them and the credibility you establish with them.

Tired of the Hypocrisy

My son gets the truth from me about 95% of the time. If he asks me something I feel I should give him a straight answer. When I do fib it is usually about something I did that was dumb and don't want him repeating it just for shits and giggles.

chickpea

i know i have a rep as a bad @ss mom for the simple reason i DONT ( and didnt) fawn over every little thing that was accomplished.....

what i DID do (and only just now get credit from the older kids for) is teach them to appreciate themselves by doing what inspired them to the extent they were able.... and if they wanted to be able to acheive/learn/understand/appreciate/produce/perform something even better, then GO OUT AND EARN IT because that is the source of self-respect..... not me telling them their glue and glitter art was precious....

i tell 'em what i like and also what i dont like and there are millions more out there...... just.like.me. (shudder)..... and that "such is the way of the world" so learn to deal with it and get on with living a life not designed to please someone else.... ahhh a ricky nelson moment is at hand

chickpea ( of the mommy dearest without the coathanger class)

AlyMC

haha... you're familiar Alfie Kohn, aren't you?

I appreciate and validate effort over results... because I truly believe that most of us can be good at many things- but it is the effort and work involved that will take you there. I think that over or under praising kids can bring on praise hungry children who don't feel motivated from within, but through external validation.

It is all a dance, sometimes we're right on rhythm and sometimes we miss a beat. Generally I think that filling our children with our love and acceptance regardless of their accomplishments will send the message that they are valuable beings. What they achieve is really dependent on how hard they are willing to work for it... so i focus on that instead of how good or not so good something is.

ex-nj-jw

I think you are doing the right thing. I'm honest with my kids about everything. Even when they ask the hard questions that I'm embarrassed to answer, they still get a straight up honest answer.

I think praising over every little thing is taking it a little too far. Are they gonna get praised for every little thing they do when they are in high school, in college or at work? Is society going to acknowledge every little thing they do with an atta boy/girl? No, so why set them up to think they will. Acknowledge their strengths, praise them when they do something that's worthy but also be honest with them. I think they handle honesty best from their parents because who else is gonna be there for them no matter what they do or become? I know I will always be in my kids corner no matter what the situation.

nj

Are you honest with your kids?

Share this