by minimus 34 Replies latest jw friends
I've got a few I wish I could share, but can't.
Here's one I read on here a while back regarding trashing the poor JW's house who had the Book Study.
Half the book study is there already. The Conductor walks in and sees a huge banner on the wall that read:
DON'T PEE ON THE COUCH!
OM
My great aunt was doing the family Bible reading when I was a kid and read the "land of Shittim" as the "land of Shit".
My mom was giving a ride to the 'worldly' person across the street. I was standing on the back seat floor with my arms crossed on the seat back so I could hear their conversation and be part of it. Of course my mom starts talking about the jws so wanting to join in I say, "My mom says you are a prostitute." My mom almost drove off the road and we all got it figured out that I meant "Protestant".
One Sunday meeting, we had this old fella do a public talk. But instead of a 45 minute standing sermon, he chose to do a video slide show instead. His show was on the theme of nature, life, creatures, creation etc.
During the talk, he was speaking on the topic of 'ORGANISMS', but when he was speaking, he kept mistakenly calling them 'ORGASMS' by accident, seemingly unawareley! The first time he spoke it, it was silent across the hall apart from one or two heads twitching here and there. The second time he spoke it, there was the odd snigger around the place. The third time he mentioned it, there was a clearer & louder tittering going on by a lot of people, and the fourth time there was loud outbursts of laughter by a few persons.
All the time, this old Brother just did not realise he was saying "orgasms" instead of "organisms", and every time he said it, it just got funnier and funnier.
Maybe he was a bit cenile in his old years perhaps, or maybe he was a bit of a pervy. Whatever the reason, he gave us all a good laugh that day. One of the very few better days at the Kingdom Hall.
LFCv
For some reason I was convinced that King Solomon in the Bible was blessed for his faithfulness to God by being given 365 wives. I mentioned this in my talk from the platform. I was about 15 at the time. It seemed a fantastic reward from a loving God, but it was tactfully pointed out to me afterwards that I was, in fact, mistaken.
"well, how would you feel if Jesus turned you into a PIG?". Ok Minimus-you have my attention. When you have a moment could you please explain what that means before I make an "ass" of myself and repeat it to a Witness?
Does sound funny though
Back around 1981 or 1982 we had this young guy that the service overseer was studying with. He was very effeminate, dainty, and was openly gay. This poor kid was very perceptive and very outspoken. For instance he walked up to a young sister with flaming red hair and asked her if she used Henna. Do you use henna? Do you use henna? And she said yes I do, all happy that someone was there to talk hair with her. Then he said, I knew it because I can see your roots! HA HA HA
His perceptive powers paid off and he got a snootfull of the bs and decided the truth was not to be had there. So he showed up one Sunday afternoon and during the wt study he walked up the aisle and threw several handfulls of confetti onto his study conductor. Well and everyone around him! HA HA HA Then he simply said, this is nothing but shit and I am tired of taking your shit!!! He turned on his heel and left calmly. When we looked at the confetti it was the remnants of a nwt Bible, every inside page was methodically cut into very close to exact 1/2 inch squares. Amazing determination on htis kid.
That was hilarious LFCv.
I have posted these before, so forgive the re-heat:
Hester 1.
This would be the early seventies - I know- all my stories are, pretty much. We had this elder’s wife in ourcongregation.Her husband didn’t really amount to much – a pretty much non-descript kind of non-entity, a perfectly forgettable guy.But her! A realpiece of work. She was Sister Hester K and, truthfully, she must have been one of the stupidest women I have ever met in my entire life.
As it happens, her immense stupidity was matched perfectly by her utterly rock-like and completely unshakeable conviction that she was RIGHT about each and every subject she would choose to pronounce upon.And she would pronounce upon anything at the drop of a hat.Opinions? How many d’ya want? She had them to spare! If EVER there had been a world-shortage of opinions, they would only have needed to put a call in to Hester to avert the crisis.
One day,a group of us pioneer brothers were sat around in Len K (the elder)’s back garden discussing with Hester about going away on holiday (that’s “vacation” brother! Nothing Holy about it! Yes,sorry,Hester) The talk got around to how important it was to cancel the daily milk delivery - bottles and bottles of unused milk on the doorstep being a dead give-away to any would-be burglar that the occupants were away for the duration. Also,for the same reason, about how you should notify the local paper-shop so that they didn’t keep leaving a build-up ofnews papers at your door.
“You’re all forgetting something,something important!” declared Hester.
Lock all windows? Securegarden gates? Ask a friendly neighbour (hah! WORLDLIES!) to keep an eye on the property?
We were flummoxed,no one knew.We awaited enlightenment from the smugly-grinning possessor of superior wisdom.
“What then?”
“You must always, without fail, turn your water supply off at the main!”
We were more perplexed than ever. Maybe this might make some sense in the height of winter, when, in those days before insulated pipes, there was a risk of freezing water bursting mains pipes and causing a flood – but in the summer? What was the point?
“Why would you want to do that, Hester?” asked Jon.
“The world today!” began Hester “Full of criminals! - you see them driving by with their guns!”
(I lived in that town for the first 35 years of my life, and I have never in my life – outside of a sporting event - seena gun, never mind on the streets, in the hands of drive-by criminals. But it didn’t do to interrupt Hester in full flow)
“Guns?”Jon again
“Yes,GUNS! And they won’t hesitate to SHOOT YOUR PIPES!”
As she said this, Hester gestured towards the pipework of her own house – specifically, in fact, pointing at the rain guttering.
No one said anything for a while,and we let Hester enjoy her triumph. I think we were all overcome at the thought of the sheer demonic wickedness which would induce one of the town’s career criminals to call around when Hester was taking her two weeks by the seaside and fire bullets at her guttering.
(And,of course,how their Satanic plot would be foiled because Hester had the theocratic foresight to turn her mains water off!)
Away from the house, later on, we simply laughed our heads off. “Shooting the Pipes” became pioneer-speak for any idiotic opinion expressed by an Elder or his wife.
Duncan
ps I might post Hester 2 now...
Hester 2
So, this one time, there was this young sister in our book study who had staying with her another girl, a daughter of some witnesses from the US, on holiday in England for a month. Both these girls had joined us for service this weekend.
After, we were drinking tea in Hester's living room.
"So, Carol, what part of America are you from?" asked Hester.
"New York, originally, but last summer, our dad moved us all to Iowa"
"Oh, Carol,while you're here, I can see we'll have to teach you how to say these things using the English pronunciation"
"Excuse me?"
"In England, Carol, we pronounce it: O - HI - O"
Hester had shot the pipes again.
