Every now and again there is a post that just pulls the rug out from underneath me, and touches a place in my heart. Lauralisa on another thread has accomplished this. By others who have replied, I can see that they were touched as well. I don't want this one to slide by, and brought it up here for all to read. Enjoy Lauralisa what a brave soul you are for sharing this with all, I so enjoyed reading this. Thank you
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I may be completely off-base, but I am wondering if you are able to relate to any of the following:
a. The WTBTS is very convincing in its claim to be the one organizational entity on the planet that has the key to understanding the bible. It is very difficult to find another religion as organized, cohesive, distinct, etc. when it comes to "packaging" biblical doctrine. At one time I was exquisitely convinced beyond any doubt that finally I'd found the Truth. Along with this conviction came relief, hope, a system around which to organize my thoughts and fears, and a sense of security -something I'd searched for my entire life and had not found.
b. The WTBTS requires absolute loyalty to its "current" and finite "data base"- for lack of a better term - when it comes to addressing ALL problems that ALL people on the whole planet may encounter in this life here and now.
c. There is an assumption that the FDS has, and can, provide guidelines, advice, support, wisdom regarding, answers and help for every human difficulty. Many, many people, I among them, have found themselves in positions however where they contend with serious emotional or mental health concerns; these concerns can be so grave that chronic clinical depression, suicidal ideation and attempts, and other resultant physical ailments (immunological disorders, eg) interfere with their ability to function on a day to day basis.
d. The WTBTS has consistently been unable to address or amend or accommodate their members who suffer to such degrees. In fact, it is my experience and I know it is also common to many others that the WTBTS' advice, admonitions, existing volumes of articles meant to address these conditions actually result in exacerbating the sufferer's situation and pain.
So, there is a huge dilemma. I spent ten years waiting for the "spiritual food at the right time" to kick in and lessen the daily struggle to survive. I'd always been depressed my whole life, but it was only after becoming a publisher that my "difficulties" required hospitalization. Life became an endurance game. I tried everything. It cost me everything in the process. I finally got to the point where I didn't even care if I was going to survive armaggeddon, or be resurrected, or see "paradise".... I fell away, and basically just got back into the "world".
Then my depression lifted. I got a job, after being on disability for seven years, and loved it. I quit taking the 300 mg of Zoloft a day and the Klonopin and all of the other crap and rediscovered life with libido. I fell in love. I got to the point where I couldn't even remember what it felt like to have to fight suicidal impulses anymore.... I took down all of the post-it notes around my tiny apartment reminding me that my children needed their mother alive.....
It's been a whole year, and an excrutiatingly stressful one (as it has been for all people) but I've had no fears of a relapse. I never knew I could feel this good.
I have compassion for anyone who struggles with the desire to "go back" to the organization because it is their heart-felt belief that it is the only way to truly serve God; I have never tried to convince anyone I've known from the hall to leave. (Then again, it's not like they would ever talk to me.) On the other hand, I've got the clarity of thought to know, and I mean KNOW, that the organization that claims itself to be God's only channel and mouthpiece is NOT. Separation from the controlling fear tactics has given me the ability to look at the very real, entirely legitimate credibility issues that exist regarding it... issues that are blatant and in need of exposure.
I don't have the security of feeling like I've got access to "absolute truth" like I did before, but I do know that I can participate in this human existence thing without hating every single day and cursing the day I was born, begging for the opportunity to die, and being a continual drain on the few remaining friends I was able to maintain ties with. I love to get up in the morning.
Well, after all that blah blah. I think the point I'm trying to make is that you are NOT going to find a resolution to your very understandable concerns either within the borg, or on this board; your search for healing and relief is obvious and respectable... I think everyone who comes here for any length of time would like to know the same things you do, but we are all having to find our own way, in our own time... and you are going to have to make your own choices, based on your own reasoning ability. I for one wish you well, and would like to know how things go for you.
love, lauralisa
It's only water from a stranger's tear (Peter Gabriel)