This ones for unc
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old. The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. The President of the society pointed at the first drawing and said: “This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high elligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.”
The audience applauded enthusiastically. But, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, “Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!”
This ones for ENGLISHMAN
Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean Guinness beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into rich, black porter. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness, as the two men considered their predicament. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick, whose wish had obviously been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he blurted, “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat!”
For naeblis ( cause you are one greek boy !! )
A guy walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist, “Listen, I’m having three girls over tonight. I need help.”
The pharmacist hands the guy Viagra Extra Strength and says, “Take all these and you’ll go berserk for 12 hours.”
The next day the same guy walks into the drugstore, limps up to the pharmacist, and drops his pants. His penis is all bruised and tied in a knot, and skin is hanging off in some places. He says, “Gimme a tube of Icy Hot.”
The pharmacist replies in horror, “You can’t put Icy Hot on that!”
“No, it’s for my wrists,” the guy moans. “The girls never showed up.”
This ones for the patriot dude
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. Two hours later they come out with a badly-beaten bear who’s yelling, “OK, OK! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”
For XENA
A man takes his wife to the county livestock show, and they head down the aisle that houses the bulls. The sign on the first stall states, THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.
The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year. Isn’t that nice!” After passing a bull that had mated 65 times, she grinningly quips, “You could learn from this one!”
They reach the last bull, whose ownder is stroking the massive beast’s head. “How many times has your bull mated this year?” asks the wife.
“This here’s the pride of Laypipe County: 365 times, ma’am.”
The wife’s jaw drops, and she turns to her husband. “Wow! You could really learn from this one. You should ask him what his secret is!”
The fed-up man turns to the breeder and says, “Hey, mister—was it all with the same cow?”
This has gota be fredhalls
A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, “Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it’ll cost us a fortune to repair.”
Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, “I warned you to watch out! Now we’ll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us.”
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, “Come on in.” When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke the window?”
“Uh…yeah, we’re very sorry about that,” the husband replied.
“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.”
“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem,” said the genie, “You’ve got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It’s the least I can do.”
“And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.
“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.
“Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name,” the genie said.
“And now,” the couple both asked in unison, “what’s your wish, genie?”
“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn’t mind.”
The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”
“Why, we’re both thirty-five,” she responded breathlessly.
“No shit! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?”
you know....
A rich guy and a poor guy are discussing what they bought their wives for their Anniversaries. The poor guy says, “So, what did you get your wife for your Anniversary?”
“I bought her a fur coat and a BMW,” he says.
“Wow,” says the poor guy. “Why did you buy her that?”
“Because,” the rich guy says, “if she doesn’t like the fur coat, she can jump in the BMW and return it.”
“What did you buy your wife?” asks the rich man.
“I bought her a pair of bedroom slippers and a dildo.”
“Why did you buy her that?” the rich guy inquires.
“The way I figure it,” replies the poor guy, “if she doesn’t like her bedroom slippers, she can go f*** herself!!”
joelbear perhaps ????
A man gets sent to prison and, as soon as he walks in, his huge, buff cellmate says to him, “We’re gonna play house. Do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?”
After thinking about it for a minute, the man slowly answers, “Well, if I have to choose, I guess I’ll be the daddy.”
“OK,” his cellmate says, “then get over here and suck mommy’s d**k.”
Prisca ??
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
“Is there anything we can do?” she asks gently.
“This is embarrassing for me,” the man says, “but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?”
“Just a minute,” says the pharmacist, “I’ll go ask my sister.”
After a minute, she comes back out and says, “The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.”
hippy...
A guy tries to impress his date with his knowledge of wine. He tells the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Cabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros district. After tasting it, the young man berates the steward. "This is a 1992 vintage from the Diamond Creek vineyard in the Mayacamas range. Please bring me what I ordered."
Watching from the bar, an old drunk comes up to the table with a glass in his hand and says, "Can you tell me what this is?"
Winking at his date, the young man sips from the drunk’s glass.
"Christ, this tastes like piss!" he exclaims, spitting it out.
"Yeah," says the drunk, "but what year?"
to yas all
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Hey bartender, I bet you $50 I could lick my eyeball” So the bartender says, “You’re on.”
The guy removes his glass eye, licks it, and pops it back in. The bartender laughs and willingly gives the guy his cash. The next day, the guy walks in again with another bet.
“Bartender, I bet you $100 I could bite my elbow.” The bartender agrees. So the guys pulls out his dentures, bites his elbow, and pops them back in. The bartender laughs and grudgingly forks over the $100.
The next day the same guy walks in and says “Bartender, I bet you $500 I could place a shot glass at the end of the bar and piss in it from here without spilling a drop.” So the bartender thinks this is a no lose situation.
He agrees. So the guy stands on the bar, pulls down his drawers and proceeds to piss all over the place. He pees all over the bartender, the customers, in peoples drinks… everywhere. The bartender is rolling on the floor with laughter. “You owe me $500!”
“That’s ok,” says the guy, “I just bet those two guys at the end of the bar I could piss on you and still make you laugh!”