I feel like a deustch. GF and I broke up....

feenx

So as many of us have experienced over the years since being out, out past can certainly play a role and often does in our present lives. My past has crept into my relationship, and as my GF did not feel equipped to handle and/or talk about any of it, this was a large factor in what led to our breakup this weekend.

I've felt like I'm going to puke since about 4 a.m. Saturday.

Part of me wonders if I've made a mistake. Another part of me says I know what wasn't working, and this was the alternative, and yet another part of me is tired of being "the bad guy." Even though in reality I am probably not the bad guy, I still feel that I am.

cognac

Wow, I'm really sorry this has happened... It sucks when the past creeps into your present life. I'm sure that you don't want it to, but it has this way of not going away and weighing you down... I'm sorry... If you want to talk more about it, we are here to listen...

hillbilly

And this makes you feel ..."german"?

You shouldnt feel like a german..or a "douch" if that's what you were going for.

Happy Days..every Mickey has his Minnie

~Hill

BizzyBee

Cheer up! You're just going through a "bad spell!"

Seriously, this too shall pass. Better to start over with someone new, than to waste any more time trying to make something work that is apparently fundamentally unworkable. Still hurts, though.

feenx

It is very painful. I really thought she was "the one." Part of me still does. I can't help the issues I have to overcome. In fact I am proud of myself that I am actively working towards better emotional health, rather than trying to ignore it all. I can't help being a silentlamb, and as much as I empathize and understand how hard that must be for someone who's never really had to endure something like that to hear about it, I still need my partner in life to be ok with listening to me and hearing me talk about it.

cognac

Wow, I'm really sorry Feenx. Your right, you can't help the issues that you have to overcome and it takes great strength and might to work towards becoming more emotionally healthy when you have been through a lot. And your right, you shouldn't ignore it. If you do that it will eat at you on the inside until you no longer feel anything. Your need for your partner in life to be ok with listening to you is perfectly understandable... I'm sorry for what you are going through and I admire that you are trying to work through it instead of ignoring it... I know we can't do much on the other side of a computer, but we are here to listen whenever you feel like talking...

feenx

Thanks Cognac :/

I guess I just am totally torn. I feel like an arss and maybe I should've given her more of a chance. But then on the other hand it's something had been bothering me for several months, that I tried to ignore and be happy, and eventually it just made me very bitter. I lost the first 21 years of my life, so to speak, and time to me is precious. And I dont want to wake up everyday trying to be happy in a relationship, crossing my fingers that things will eventually change.

Things would be different if she had specific things she was willing to change on her side, instead of just a general "I want to work on it." But she hasn't said that yet. And I feel like I did something wrong, like in the heat of the moment when I'm blurting out all these emotions I've been holding back that I just f*cked both our lives.

LouBelle

Hey feenx - my heart goes out to you on a couple of levels - breaking up is never easy - however if it is the best decision then that is a bittersweet positive - too many people stay together for the wrong reasons - in love there will be ups and downs but there needs to be genuine love too.

feenx

Well we got together last night to talk. I poured my heart out. In the midst of tears and heart ache I explained what I am coming to realize my relationship issues are, why I have them, and how much I need to change, and what I was going to do to change, so that the end result is not me blowing up because I've been letting things fester.

We made up, got back together, went to dinner. After dinner she said she was still really angry about the names I had called her (they were pretty offensive). Again I apologized, explained how terrible I felt. That didn't seem to satisfy her, and I asked what she wanted me to say. She said that she wanted me to be crying, on my knees, groveling, because I had hurt her so bad. She then got upset about I was the one who hurt her, and yet the night after she came back, hysterical in tears, wanting to get back together and I turned her down. She was really angry about that too.

So she said she was going to take some time and that there was a good chance we wouldn't be back together, because she just can't move past the names.

At first I felt absolutely horrible, confused, in shock, saddened. I asked myself, "am I THAT guy?" Am I the guy who only pretends to be nice but really I'm a complete waste of a human being? Didn't she say earlier this very night that I was one of the most loving people she'd ever met?

And then in the middle of the night I woke up, and was really angry. Here I was, pouring my heart out, explaining all the things I need to change, such as speaking up more about the things that bother me, things SHE does or doesn't do, that hurt me, but I was the one putting everything on the line first that I was going to change. And she said she does need to fully commit to me (mentally) and listen to me, yet....after all that all she can focus on is names that I called her in the heat of a drunken moment. I would hope that my actions over the last year and a half would speak louder than words...but I guess not.

penny2

(((feenx)))

Sorry you are going through this. Whether you get back together or not, have you thought about getting counselling for what's weighing on your mind from your past?

Your GF probably has no clue how to help you with those issues - she's only young too.

penny

I feel like a deustch. GF and I broke up....

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