Hi BX,
Your efforts are to be commended. My concern is with your writing style. It smacks of the WTS style. Many of us have unwittingly allowed their poor writing style to influence us, me included.
Please allow me to illustrate.
You begin with vague generalities. Many to whom your are writing are very busy men and women. Please get right to the point in the first paragraph rather than waiting until the third one to start stating what your letter is all about.
Do not write out the rather long name of your organization in the first paragraph. Your name is on the letter head, so just say “we” and save your reader and yourself a lot of time and ink.
You are not writing to talk about cults in general, so do not refer to “various recruiting cults.” This just blurs your message (WTS writers are great at blurring their text with lots of extraneous statements that have nothing to do with the theme of their topic).
When you finally do get around to your subject you pontificate with this preface: “One such organization, and the most active in our community…” and finally you begin to state what your letter is about.
I will not go on because you may not be interested in my opinions about your letter and that is certainly your prerogative. Others here may be much better trained as writers than I am. With spit and polish your efforts IMHO can achieve considerable success.
Regards,
Sam Beli
I have seen all the works which have been done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and striving after wind. What is crooked cannot be straightened and what is lacking cannot be counted. Solomon