Discipline

by LouBelle 30 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  AlyMC

  I don't get supernanny, personally. Though let me note, I've only seen a couple shows since we don't have a TV. I think that her methods are very manipulative and only work while kids can be manipulated effectively. In some cases only work while kids can be physically overcome (restraining kids in time out). I find no reason to assert my power over my kids. Because when it is all said and done- I can't always be there to force them to make "approved" decisions.

  Instead, my goal is to teach them to make smart decisions and use their brain to think ahead to the natural consequences of every decision they make. To understand how people are interrelated and how their seemingly small decisions DO affect other people in their world.

  When my kids were babies, people told me that my ideals would create "little monsters". Now that they can see they were wrong- they tell me to "just wait until they are teens", surely then I will see how naive my ideals are. I just disagree I suppose. Sure, we might have a lot more struggles with behavior, but so do people who use punitive discipline. Growing up is just hard. I was super rebellious and really horrid at times... and I promise it was not from a lack of discipline or beatings.

  I learned to avoid getting caught. Fear of external consequences teaches you (imo of course) to avoid the external source from knowledge of your actions. That isn't my process with my kids. I want them to be internally motivated and aware of what consequences exist beyond any authority figure so that even when there is no perceived risk of being caught, they can consider what real world consequences they risk with any choice they make (be it positive or negative).

  IMO there is a misunderstanding about the people who get themselves on shows like supernanny and whose children behave that way. Like I said, we've never spanked, we don't use time out, removal of privileges, or grounding. Yet my kids are nothing like those children either. Lack of an iron fist does not equate to out of control kids.

  I will go on record saying that I think spanking is wrong. I think it is wrong to hit an adult and I think it is wrong to hit a child. I feel most of us are smart enough and resourceful enough to reach the hearts of our children in other ways. I feel as an evolved species we should reach beyond physical enforcement to logic and reasoning. I welcome your disagreement, that is just MY opinion.
• 

  AlyMC

  Josie, I'm only speaking to you directly because I really value much of your input here and think are are a wonderfully rational woman who'd I'd be honored to know. I mean only to communicate, and no disrespect. I do respect your right to feel different than myself.

  Regarding your paint story though, don't you worry that thoughts like that "because mom said no end of story" contribute to JW victim like mentalities? "Because the FDS said no end of story" I understand you are a mother, and not a religious society... but I wonder if it doesn't hold a similar air of loyalty regardless of free thought and conceptual understanding of the true issue at hand.

  I understand that having kids listen definitively is easier and feels respectful. I personally think it is better to take a little extra time to explain the reason, or perhaps even allow them to disregard your suggestion not to mix paints and discover the consequence of doing so. IMO it better sets them up for adulthood than listening without question does.

  Imagine for a moment the other mom suggesting her son doesn't mix the paints. He continues. He is delighted to discover that mixing primaries makes wonderful new colors to use! As he continues he discovers that he has made one neutral color. In the end some children have beautiful, colorful projects and he has a slightly mundane brown piece of artwork. he is disappointed and later tells his mom is is ugly or stupid. Now she can talk simply about color mixing and how she had suggested he not mix them. Maybe asking what he could do next time to avoid the brown mess.

  He has learned A) sometimes mom's insights are worth listening to (and not just because she will know if he doesn't) and B) the next time someone says "you can mix the paints!" he can say "no thank you, mixing all the colors makes a neutral and I want color" he understand the concept behind the decision not to mix paints. To me this scenario better prepares a child for life than "no, I can't because I was told no", you know?
• 

  mrsjones5

  No two kids are alike and I'm glad your found what is right for your children. That is so great. But there are always different ways to parent. No one way (except for abuse) is the right way.

  Josie

  P.S. Aly, I just saw your second post towards me. I want you to understand that I was not operating under the do it my way now stance. At the cub scout meeting we have 8 highly active little boys and only one hour to fit in a small lecture and one or two activities. We met in a small coffee shop in a church and we have to make sure we leave that shop as clean as we found it. Now if we did not control eight little highly active boys with paint we possibly would not be able to use that meeting place again and at this moment we would be hard press to find another meeting spot.

  So, I was not restricting my son for any sort of power play, he already knows who the boss is. It works for me, my husband, and my four highly active children (ages 14 as of today, 10, 7, and 4).

  Thank you for your opinion.

  Josie
• 

  AlyMC

  mmm... of course :) I have three very different kids so I totally get that. I totally get that people have different perspectives, which is why I keep saying "this is only my opinion" :)

  BTW- the only reason I even brought it up and spoke of your scenario directly is because I easily could have been the other mother next to you that day, and I get tired of being considered a push over when I do in fact have a purpose in my style of parenting that is just not observed or understood by others :)

  ETA- I just saw your edited post. My apologies to you. I was NOT trying to tell you that you were wrong. I do not believe you are wrong. I believe parents who love their children act in their best interest, even when they act differently than myself. I regular several parenting boards in which we constantly dissect a topic and contemplate thoughts using examples. It was only my intent to communicate and exchange thoughts with you, and not to change your mind or assert my opinions over that of your own. I sincerely apologize if that was not apparent or if it was an unwelcome exchange.
• 

  llbh

  i never smack. i watch what they enjoy the most , then if needed take it away or withhold it.

  Above all discilpline is the love and hugs they get. If childern feel loved they are less likley to be difficlut

  Regards David
• 

  mrsjones5

  Aly,

  Don't get me wrong, I encourge creativity in my children. My oldest son is an artist, my daughter is a writer and wonderful cartoonist, my cub scout son is highly phsyical and taught himself how to stand on his head, and my youngest son, who happens to be austic, can name most of the 50 United States by sight and is currently working on Canada, Africa, and Europe. So no I have no interest in stunting any of my children but there is a time and place for it and that cub scout meeting was not the place.

  Josie
• 

  AlyMC

  I never doubted that about you. :)
• 

  sooner7nc

  I think if children were disciplined in the right way, there would fewer problems as teenagers, but who can say what the right way is. Guess it differs for all children. When my 2 kids were growing up I used to spank them and took away some of the things they liked to do. But I found out that a good old fashioned spanking with abelt or flyswatter did more good than anything. My son reads this site, so he will get a kick out of remembering that. Anyway, they are both now really well adjusted adults with kids of their own and they turned out just fine, so spank away. It does'nt hurt a thing

  She used to get pissed at me about something, and if she didn't have anything in her hand, I'd see her looking around for whatever she could get her hands on. Usually, she would reach down and take off her flip-flop and start swinging. She did it for the right reasons though, and I don't begrudge her that she did it, in fact I love her very much for how she raised me, JW or not.
• 

  AlyMC

  It won't let me edit, so let me explain that I never doubted that you encouraged creativity with your kids.

  Like I said, my reason for approaching it had more to do with explaining a possible perspective of the other mom than anything.
• 

  mrsjones5

  I can appreciate that. It's what I like about this board, the exchange of ideas. As far as the Den Mom, she had set up the exercise because the boys just had their first Blue and Gold ceremony (it was an awards banquet) and she was kind enough to take pictures of all the boys and she thought the frame idea was a cool one. Every boy got to take home a cute framed picture. I think it was also a patch exercise too. I'm sure the boys will have other opportunities to be more creative.