10p... It is amazing to me that we live half a world away, yet have such similar thoughts. Honestly, it is amazing how many posts I have read in the last few days, from so many different individuals, that mirror my thoughts.
I too am in my 30's, and have been in the truth all my life. My father has been an elder for as long as I can remember ( I believe since before I was born) and honestly, he is a good guy. He is sincere, he cares about people, but he is very much a "company man". My parents were very careful to shelter me when I was growing up, but they didn't shelter me from the damage that goes with being a JW child. I always felt ridiculous when I was a kid because I was different at school. I never fit in because I couldn't fit in. JWs by definition cannot be normal. I couldn't go to parties, no holidays, no school dances in high school, no little-league, no high school football. (Funny thing is, I hear more and more lately about kids who do all of those things, and depending on who you are, nothing is said about it.) Anyway, I always excelled in school, and got pressure from several teachers about college. My dad is a college graduate ( from before he was a witness) so he urged me to go to a local college, and I did... temporarily. Some of my witness "friends" that were my age, and a couple of younger servants hounded me to pioneer like them, so I dropped out of college in my second year. That was an obvious mistake. I tried "regular auxilliary pioneering", and it just wasn't for me. It was a big waste of time. Most pioneers just waste time and accomplish very little... It seemed like it was more for show than anything else. So I started working full time.
There were other elders and people in our hall that would spy on me, and other young guys, then try to get us in trouble. Fucking assholes. Oddly enough, I never really did anything wrong. I was squeaky clean when I was a kid. I actually had one elder who was so desperate to get me in trouble that he made an issue when I left my car parked too long in the car port at the hall. He said it showed a lack of love for others in the hall. What a joke.
You know what? I still am squeaky clean.
On to adult life... I moved to a nearby city, and married a girl that that I had been friends with forever. We struggled to do the right thing as a young married couple. Tried to stay regular at meetings, regular in service. I volunteered for last minute substitute talks, showed up for all the hall clean-up days, volunteered to pick up older sisters for meetings. It was never enough. We would get shepherding calls, and the elders would say I needed to reach out more. I would ask, "What else can I do?" but they never had a real answer.
We would get frustrated by all of the cliques in the hall. It is supposed to be such a loving environment, but it isn't. People quite often do the wrong thing, and if they know the right elder, or have a big enough family, they get by with it.
On several occasions, I was betrayed by elders that I had confided in. They would tell me things going on... details about elder meetings, details about local politics, details about people's private problems. Then when I would tell them things that bothered me about the hall, and they would agree and tell me to speak up. When I did speak up, they hung me out to dry. No loyalty, just politics. I am ranting now... and I could go on for hours. These were the things that added up and made me start doubting that the "Holy Spirit" actually had anything to do with the organization.
It wasn't until recently (within the last year) that I came across a reference to 587 in a history book, and for some reason, I started doing massive amounts of research about the truth and the validity of JW doctrine. I have always been an avid reader, and I love history and science, but I also always maintained a solid mental block against anything that went contrary to JW teachings. In an instant, that mental block was gone. I started questioning everything, and I haven't been the same since. I actually have an inner peace that I never thought was possible. I don't feel guilty or inadequate anymore. It's great. The thing is, I still go to the meetings like nothing is wrong. My entire family is in. My wife and kids ( who I couldn't live without) my parents, siblings, extended family, everyone. You could say that I am mentally free of the WTS, but not physically.
This board has been very therapeutic, seeing that there are so many other people like me. Recently, I found out that a friend in my hall is in the exact situation. (what are the odds?) He is the reason I came to this forum to post. I had read it a few times in the last several months, but didn't have the courage to post until he urged me to do so. We haven't had a chance to talk very much because neither of us want to blow our cover, but it is nice to have the new found camaraderie.
That's my story. Or, at least, it's the 10,000 foot view of my story. Sorry if I bored anyone.