How to make love & marriage work w/a JW

by StillinLove 70 Replies latest social relationships

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  detective

  Ah, this is familiar territory! You must know at some level that by coming here you are mingling with people who have "been there and done that" which is why you're afraid to hear people tell you to hit the ground running. The reality is, I dated a Jehovah's Witness. An outsider like you are, I also was completely naive about the group. Seemed like nice folks to me. How could it hurt to be with someone who had religious values, right?

  At some point reality sets in and boy does it sting! I know, you're probably thinking that every situation is different- and many times that is true- but you see, when you are an outsider in a relationship with a Jehovah's Witness there are some issues that are common in those type of relationships. You're in a relationship with a member of a high-control group. Some people might even call it a cult, but regardless of the terminology you choose, it is a rigid, controlling organization that your boyfriend is a member of. Until you really grasp that notion, you won't understand why it is so difficult to sustain a relationship with an active witness. For your own good, educate yourself by reading up on these pages and ask lots of questions. You might also want to read a book on high control groups like something by Steven Hassan- very helpful in understanding how to unlock the mind of your boyfriend without totally alienating him.

  IN the meantime, try rocking the boat just a little bit. Start by telling your boyfriend that you want to be fully, openly acknowledged as his girlfriend in front of his family and friends. Seriously, try it. You will soon learn what you are up against and it isn't pretty. I know, because I've been there. Demand respect by demanding acknowledgement. You deserve to be fully cherished and openly loved. You won't know what your future holds if you don't confront the here and now. You're together, he needs to sing it to everyone he knows... and if he doesn't... well, you'll figure it out.

  My beloved left the witnesses. I've never met his parents and we've been together nine years and married for four. We struggled brutally and hopefully we are past those jw/non-jw difficult times. At least, I desperately hope he never goes back.

  I wish you well, my friend. You will need it.
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  jamiebowers

  To StillinLove: Well, it sounds like you have your mind and heart set on marrying this guy, so I won't waste my time or yours by saying, "Run, and get out while you can". Please find this website and bookmark it for the future, as you will definitely need it if you ever have kids: www.jwchildcustody.com .

  Maryblondgirl: I watch the world events and live in daily fear that its coming soon and that i'm on the outside and will lose my life and the lives of my family. Does anyone else watch the events that have happened in the last few months and wonder?

  This is a typical mind control technique employed by most religious cults. On September 11, 2001 I was out for 14 years, and the first thing I thought of was whether this was Armageddon. It takes a long time to get out of that mode. When you are in it, just think, "Well, if this is Armageddon, at least I will die with my husband and children". It helps you get through the fear. Months or years from now, you'll be over it. You will have a better chance of getting the thoughts of others on this board if you post your own topic instead of replying to a topic. Best wishes to you, and welcome to JWD!
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  jamiebowers

  the website is jwchildcustody.com
• 

  Liberty

  Maryblondgrl,

  I'm telling it straight, you don't have to worry. The whole Watch Tower system is nonsense. There is NO Armageddon. I lived through 1975, guess what... No big "A".

  They have even abandoned the 1914 Generation teaching. No big "A". After that they used to say before the end of the 20th century and now we are 8 years into the 21st and still no big "A". 1914 is almost 100 years past and no big "A". The Watch Tower Society has a 100% failure rate at predicting anything. It has failed over and over again with the dates predicted for the big "A". Their salvation plan is nonbiblical and based completely on human conjecture. You know more about the Bible than the leadership of the Watch Tower as they have proven with 120+ years of false prophesy and policy flip flops.

  The WWII era was far worse than anything happening today so the big "A" would have shown up then if it was going to show at all. You have nothing to worry about. Stick around and read all the great info here and you will be freed of your fears.

  No worries and welcome to the board.
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  StillinLove

  I realized as I was reading all the replys that I never really explained what I meant by his morals and for that matter anything esle we like about each other. Being that he is from an urban area and in school had countless opportunities to be in gangs and drugs his future could have been non-existant. But he didnt go the route that so many black men go; he doesnt smoke, he dosent really care for drinking, and he's never done anything else illegal and he grew up with dozens of friends who did. I know that because we are togther he is breaking the rules, but the reason he hasnt been able to tell them is because they are particularly up-tight compared to his friends parents; they would have kicked him out even at 16.I know I sound incredibly naive, lol, but this ishis description of how things will go from some texts we had last week:

  - When we get engaged and Im out the house, they will probably be pretty pissed off at me, especially my mama. They wont hate me, but they mite come close to hatin you. My step dad and my real dad will prolly like you though, they not crazy like my mom.

  - But once we get married some of them mite not want to meet you and some wont care that much, but its ok cuz you mean more to me than thier opinons ok? I really can see me and you gettin married one day, Im not kiddin babygirl i really do wanna spend my life wit u

  So whether you beleive that he is moral or not its ok I understand were youre coming from, but the way he was raised they dont have much choice other than to sneak around, and I asked him what he thinks about raising kids that way"

  -Lmfao how does it seem to be workin on me? Ummmm no i dont think im gone be dat stupid but id kill em if they had sex tho... but i think thats just a dad thing aint it? lol i think id b madder if it was my daughter but id still kick they butts either way

  As far as why we like eachother? I love that he is so damn determined to be successful in his job and that he is so affectionate with me when he comes off like the tough guy with everyone else. He quit trying to "witness" me with any hope a long time ago, now we just start heated creation vs evolution debates (which are more laughter than yellin) for the make-up sex. Personally I am working towards my PhD in psychology and a minor in spanish (I should be graduating in about 7 years... yea) I have a 4.0. So like I said I am not dependant on anyone, and as terrible as it sounds and as bad as I feel saying it, I will probably be making more money than he will.

  And from your comments it sparked a talk about the headship thing and he asked me "when have I ever done that?" and I couldnt think of anything... "so why would you think Im like that?" I said I was just afraid that we would have a big decision to make one day where he pulled that crap. He laughed and said " Im not afraid of you cuz Im like a foot taller and twice ur weight... but I still know youd kick my ass" So I just thought that i would mention that yes we really do love EACH OTHER not just me loving him. And I know it was your opinion, but I was still a little hurt by the comment about worldly girls being JW's sexual playthings.. HE waited a year and a half to have sex and the only reason we started to was because his friends started to and I had been trying to get him to loosen up the whole time (I was 16 and hormonal, sue me lol)

  and yes i know there are no holidays. trust me, i dont really care that much because we have had that part worked out for over a year. I told him that I didnt care about the date or the stories but the tradition of gift giving was important to me so he said as long as the gifts are exchanged a week before or after he can deal.
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  StillinLove

  By the way all of his friends know who I am and we are all really close, the only people his age who dont are the ones who no one trusts to keep thier mouths shut (which he doesnt hang with so they arent friends). He does plan on telling his family, but only when we get engaged because thats the only time they might take him seriously. And he knows my entire family.
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  reniaa

  Make the bounderies clear! have a conversation about what goals you both want for the future together and if you had children.

  Do not be afraid to address your worries and concern about the future with him, I would suggest this even if he wasn't a Jw because faith is only one part of a marriage and from my own experience when it was other things not faith at all that I should have spoke about before getting serious. I regretted not having the difficult conversations first.

  I was too afraid I think to address my worries before the points of no return in case it ended our relationship, it was only later i realised in not having the conversation I made it them more difficult issues,

  Talking and get that understanding between you first will really help in the future maybe even get it written down, so you can show him in the future if he does change but thats being ultra careful, Many multi-faith relations can work but both have to be respectful of the other as a person and parent. always remembering faith is a personal thing and can only changed if i person has the desire to change as well.

  Also as a cautionary note this site will give you worse case scenarios and can be biased, so use a healthy amount of your own judgement,
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  jgnat

  I totally agree with reniaa in that you must have the tough conversations now. I credit the longevity of my own marriage to a Witness in that we talked EVERYTHING out. Also, we would not have children together. I think if we did, it would be a constant battleground on how to raise them. By comparison, my adult children watch our bickering with indulgent amusement. At their age, these things take on less importance. But you are awfully young to consider never having children. Think on this long and hard.

  but the reason he hasnt been able to tell them is because they are particularly up-tight compared to his friends parents

  Not that unusual for Witness parents. A fair number are particularly uptight. There are also many, many stories on the board of mixed marriage where the in-laws do hate the non-witness partner, and would do almost anything to undermine the relationship.

  So he'd be mad if his own children had pre-marital sex, though he enjoys it plenty himself. I know you love him deeply and all, and are a fierce defender after our rather contemptual assessment of his own morals, but don't you see how hypocritical his stand is?

  Since you are in college and have a great potential career, could you hold off marrying this guy, and getting pregnant, for the next seven years? Some guys do change when their wife's career takes off. Some can't handle it and can turn mean. I'd also hate to see you lose your chance for that great career because you get pregnant. Can you try for me?
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  sass_my_frass

  All the best!
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  sacolton

  Ask him why is he still a JW when he doesn't live like a JW. I'm not judging, but for him to fornicate and lie - yet show face at the Kingdom Hall without any remorse just shows that he isn't serious about the religion. Ask him if he is willing to go to the elders and reprove himself ... if not, ask him why he is still a JW.