How long did it take... (page 3)

Shawn10538

Funny. I have been thinking about this for a long time. My story is this:
When I first started to come out (not in terms of sexual orientation) I began, as early as when I was still at Bethel, a low level rumbling. It was anger, and eventually became rage. I started telling people off about this and that. It earned me the reputation, immediately following the release of the movie "Mystery Men," of "Angry Man."

I couldn't explain it, but as doubts about the organization began to rise, so did my temperature. I started blowing up at people for minor offences. Not every day, mind you. More like every month at first. Then a couple times a month. Then every week. Especially when I started to go to college and began finding out about cults, then I really was walking around angry all the time, and not really knowing why.

These rage rants, as some of you know about here on the forum, started to occur way to often. Not only that, the intensity of the rants became more and more significant. I realize that I was mad at the organization for ruining my life but I wasn't taking it out on them I was taking it out on my family, who of course I associated with the cult. I began to alienate close friends and family. Aside from the fact that I was being more open about my doubts, my family began to notice that I just wasn't that nice anymore. I started to feel that I was being my true self. I was being more honest by not holding back when I disagreed with someone. It was clearly a case of, lashing back at the society for coercing into keeping my mouth shut all those years, not being allowed to disagree with the society. This made me very sensitive to anyone exercising authority over me or imposing their beliefs upon me.

Now, it's gotten to the point that I am out of control. It has hurt me professionally because, as a teacher surrounded by children and prudes, any demonstration of anger is taken as a violent threat of harm. I have been told a number of times, mostly by women, that I scare them when I start to rant about something, I have lost jobs because of my behavior, and my job now is in a very precarious position. I've been written up a few times, and the next step is out the door I'm afraid. No more chances.
But, I don't know how to staop the anger. It creeps up on me so fast. I can be trolliping along minding my own business, and someone can be rude to me, especially if that person also had authority over me, and I tear into them, verbally ripping them apart. It just happens so quick that I don't realize it is hap[pening until it is too late.

I think I have to face the fact that I am a rageaholic. I have tried hypnotherapy. That helped quite a bit, but the effects wear off and eventually I am back to my old self. While I was at Bethel I did experience quite a bit of resentment over this and that, but I mostly kept it in and never talked to anybody about it. Now I am thinking - 12 step program, as much as I am philosophiocally opposed to that philosophy. There are thousands of testimonies out there that 12-steps is effective.

I have alienated so many people in my life that I am down to just a few friends. I just don't know how to stop being angry. I don'tnow how to trust people. I get flashbacks of the society or its members bossing me around and intimidating me. I just don't want to be a victim ever again. I don't want any shenanigans to trick me into buying their miracle tonic, especially if it bears the name "Chritianity."
I am wondering if anybody else has experience this lingering anger that they can't seem to get over. I would love to hear any advice on this topic.

How long did it take...

Shawn10538

sinis

Low-Key Lysmith

jaguarbass

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