by 4mylove 14 Replies latest watchtower beliefs
Namelessone
Welcome, and thank you. I love yet hate knowing that there are people in my situation. I've been through some tough times in my life but this one hurts me to the core. I started praying because of it. If for nothing else but to help me meditate on the situation. Good luck to you too, and please enjoy this site as much as I have....
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I also sometimes wonder if my df'd beloved will go back into the group. He has not indicated that he entertains the thought, but it might be something he'd keep to himself. I wish he'd do a little homework on the matter but I believe that at some level if still feels it would be "disrespectful" to mother. Even his sibling who has been out for over twenty years never seems to really think about the group critically. You can almost still hear an almost-reverence in her mention of it, even when she is speaking negatively. It's almost as if, at some level, they both believe the problem is with their personal shortcomings, not with the group itself. I can't dwell on whether or not my beloved goes back, even though it does cross my mind. If he goes back, I'll bide my time and hope it's just a brief relapse. He knows I'll pick apart any literature he'd bring home anyway. But, if it's more than a relapse, it will likely spell the end of our marriage. I played tug of war for him before and it was emotionally devastating, I don't know that I could go through that again. Of course, for him- I'd try. I'm just not optimistic about an active JW/non-JW relationship (though Jnat seems to be working it out).
Dates, biblical facts, long arguments over dogma- none of that really helped him open his eyes. It was all about learning the cult personality and learning the "real" personality. That's the only way to unlock the door, in my opinion. Steven Hassan books are helpful.
Everybody in your situation thinks their love is different, stronger, unique. I know I've said it myself, he would never pick this crazy religion over us and our children. He did and we were that 'golden couple' you see sometimes. The fear of death or the big A can be stronger than any emotion or any other person on earth. You are right to be frightened. In the years I have been on the ex jw boards I have seen it time and time again and been in contact with numerous people over the years privately. Some decide to just live with being second in their spouses life and they live in the same house but with quite seperate lives, some decide to wait until their children are grown up and then they will leave. They even count their years in the prison by how many years the kids have left in school. Some cannot tolerate it and decide they must find someone more stable. Others still hold out hope and one day they see they have only wasted more years in hoping and praying and being 'tolerant'. It's a hell of thing to realize all your best years were not lived to the fullest because of a decision your spouse made by being part of a cult or having the threat of it always hanging there.
He is trying to decide which way to go it sounds like to me. He is afraid of losing you and losing his mom & dad and his hope of paradise earth. How can you compete with paradise earth? I don't envy his position but his fear of truly finding out if it is the 'truth' is just lazy and one day you may lose some respect for him due to this unrational fear and intellectual laziness. You are in your early 30's and do you want children? Do you have time to wait until he can decide between you and the jw's with no regrets?
I wish you all the best and hope he sees the light soon!
Carla,
I'm not saying that we have the most perfect relationship in THE world, but that it's perfect for MY world. I can only imagine how painful it is for my hubby to know that I may never follow that path. I know that should it come down to it, there is a great chance that he would pick them. Granted, the man that I am married to now would pick me. But going back to that crazy ass life would change the man I'm married to now. I wouldn't be battling with the same person. It would be a drone or rather shell of my husband. It's as if they strip them of any choice and lead them to believe that they are actually making the choices for themselves.
Again, I repeat, there are good even great marriages. NOT perfect ones. I believe that with out the influence of this terrible cult I would have one too. I shouldn't live my life dreaming, but sometimes that's all a person has left.
I will always encourage my husband to seek love and understanding, not THE truth. I hope one day he sees their ways. I take marriage extremely to heart. I love my husband as much as my family. He is not just my companion, he is my friend and my family. Just as I wouldn't just walk away from my sibling or parent I won't walk away from him.
Thank you so much for your kind words, again, every little bit helps.
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4 MY LOVE- Your discussions may become more common with your husband in a heated manner unless he makes clear to his parents the boundaries that you and he have as a married couple. He needs to man up and stand up on your behalf ; not only out of fear of his parents, or the religion, but out of respect for you his wife.
Here's the deal. Your husband, although not attending for 6 years is motivated by the fear of what the witnesses put in him. He is fearful of Armageddon. He is fearful of loss of his parents approval. Hell, he's even fearful to admit to you that you are right in the points you were making to him which were dead on correct ! He claims that no one will tell him how to raise his children- but the JW organization still has a big hold on him - especially for someone who hasn't attended for 6 years ! I feel he puts way too much stress on you by making you have to deal with the in-laws on his behalf. I've read your other threads and the song remains the same.
I would only put up your in-laws for the assembly if it didn't interfere with your employment, normal routine , or peaceful mind , or quality of life. Because at the end of the day - ask yourself, do you really want to put up with their witnessing to you when they visit ? Only you can answer that. Just some things to think about. I wish you the best
