Spaz it was still very moving.
Im glad your good now.
love, ideally
by SPAZnik 20 Replies latest social relationships
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rebel8
Darn. Those words would have made great wedding vows.
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SPAZnik
Werds, schmerds.
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Twitch
Still, some of the most beautiful words I've seen
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Alpaca
Spaz,
That is a beautiful post. Don't try to shrug off your heart's expressions as mere words.
You've probably heard the expression that words are the currency of ideas (and feelings I might add).
Have you seen this???:
http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com/
You might enjoy the thoughts of a kindred spirit...check it out.
All the best,
Alex
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John Doe
i finally realize that love, like unicorns, doesn't exist.
Love is certainly rare, but I would not go so far as to claim it doesn't exist. Admittedly, becoming jaded and complacent is not an unusual side effect of an unsuccessful search for love, and becoming jaded and complacent inevitably skews one's perception of the world and lends support to the self fulfilling prophecy. In the end, much of reality is what we make it.
Yes, love is rare. Lust is common. Greed is common. Selfish desire is common. Too often these common motives are confused with love. Notwithstanding the confusion, love does exist. However, to experience love, one must first be confident and comfortable with themselves, moving beyond their own ego into the realm of caring for other people. Sure, when one first experiences love, the self does feel a physical alteration--the pulse quickens, the breath shortens, the skin breaks out in gooseflesh, the cheeks blush, laughter comes easily and sometimes too quickly.
Be that as it may, the thoughts of a person in love are not dwelling upon all of these self concerning aspects. The thoughts of someone in love are focused upon the object of their love. If the lovers have known each other for any length of time, the thoughts are not "what is he/she thinking," but rather, they are concentrating on what you know your lover is thinking. One glance between true lovers can quickly convey what 1,000 words cannot. The desire is not for what your lover does in relation to you, but rather the desire is to enjoy each other's company, to feel a part of something that transcends your own ego, to come as close to something truly devine as is possible in an ephemeral and changing world. That is the essence of true love.
And yet, a person not content with himself or herself cannot experience this true love. The thoughts of the insecure are guarded and focused upon the self. Every expression to a lover is a self conscious scrutinzingly painful effort to impress, to hide the inadequacy that consumes the soul and drives out any room for anything else or anyone else. This self consciousness may even be the extreme of conceit, and is the greatest hindrance to experiencing lasting and enduring bonds with others.
Or, such are the musings of the lost.
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oompa
first WOW...second it scares the crap out of me and if you pm me your number i will call you...thirdly...much of it was beautiful...and if put in the right format would make a very respectible poem...even though i consider it to be now......fourthly...i can hardly believe i read that as one paragraph!!!...i say that in humor only because it just went back up and realised it was postd 8 months ago!!!....glad you are still with us SPAZ...you had me scared......oompa
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SPAZnik
free2think - thx so much sweetie! that which spawned this was very moving indeed.
rebel8 - oy.
((((Twitch))))
Alpaca - Thank you. You are right about not shrugging it off. At the risk of getting biblical ... it reminds me of jonah when i do that LOL. I still struggle with that, but I'm making friends with it. Yes, I have heard of Oriah :) I listened to "the Dance" once. Thanks for sharing that link. I think it is a perfectly timed reminder. Maybe I will listen to "the Call" next. thank you, Alpaca.
JohnDoe - You sound like you know what you're talking about. I was secretly imagining ... (hoping?) you (someone) would challenge me on that. LOL I do it no justice when I try to deny it. It's damn hard not to feel inadequate when you are unexpectedly staring your own love in the face and it knows you so well you feel naked with every glance and when you know it so well you are simultaneously powerless against it and empowered by it and you just have to be brave in the face of that which you know could destroy you in a heartbeat if it found you wanting. But that is part of the beauty of it. It loves you inspite of all the inadequacies that millions of others wouldn't give you the time of day over. It comes at you from every direction it can until you get the message. It even prepares you in advance. It reveals itself to you, honestly. I never thought I was a liar and then all this emotion came out of nowhere and I didn't know how to handle it or what was even happening and I found myself wondering if I'd been lying all along, to myself. You know when it's telling you the truth and when it's hearing a lie. It knows when we are receptive to it or trying to hide in plain sight. It knows and we know. And it's just patient and enduring with us. There is no doubt. It's hard not to vomit though when you've been starving and then are forced to consume your just desserts. It's also hard not to end up just like Romeo and Juliet in certain politically ridiculous circumstances. It was blindsiding. It was karmic. It was scary as hell and as beautiful as paradise. I had all but given up on it so it rattled my cage. It rattled lots of cages. I wasn't prepared for the shame of that because I hadn't even realized I had given up. LOL. It may have been true and cognizant or selfishness and a projection. It may also have been genuine and riled the jealousies or fear or selfishness of others who fear it is too small to share or who disrespect it because they don't know or trust it yet. Or perhaps because they mirror that one small doubt within myself. Whatever it was, I didn't want to be a guinea pig or a pawn. Is that selfish pride or is that wisdom and humility about how much I can handle? Maybe a bit of both. We sometimes presume to judge that our human emotions like pride are somehow a bad thing. Perhaps, and this is just a suggestion, perhaps they are only meant for certain circumstances. Just like lying. When a small lie can reveal a greater truth. And just like lying, when we accept that we were given a lie as camouflage just like a chameleon is given its camouflage. We are animal too. It's the god thing we get wrong sometimes, doing the right thing for the wrong reason and doing the wrong thing for the right reason.
I wondered myself about the pride thing, but ultimately it seems it was just plain as day honesty, which I was duly rewarded for. I could only do my best and let my actions speak where words failed me. There is no being equal to love. It's impossible to be honest about everything at once. It ends up looking like this post and of itself being overly proud in it selfish desire to be understood rather than it's caring thoughtful desire to share. It ends up being mistaken for insanity. LOL What good is that? I could only do my best to stand and breathe. There are just unspeakable things you see and know sometimes and when that sustains itself over time, you can only surrender. Amazing things happen. We rode it out. We lived. We knew we would. We don't need to talk about it. We just know. We both learned and healed, unspeakably. Sounds insane, but has to be communicated that way, out of love or at least honesty. Probably I should keep some dignity. But I think there IS dignity in being honest and in sharing. And I honestly have a long ways to go yet in many ways, yet closer than ever in others. The compounding effect is ... wow. I haven't even had time to do the math on that.
You are also right about being strong enough in myself. That was the whole problem. I didn't know it wasn't a crime to be human. I didn't know it was okay to feel inadequate sometimes and gloriously strong others. I still hadn't given myself permission to feel and to trust the feelings. I had gotten carried away with myself. I was at a place where I knew I wasn't strong enough for what I knew would have been expected and neither was he, tho we both wanted to believe otherwise. But we rode it out. We lived. We knew we would. Lost, yes. And somehow found. And 36 years healthier this year than last. Probably so is he. It's a miracle. Rare indeed. Almost like friendship. It was very generous to both of us and to everyone around. It brought us all closer to love. It made us better people, better lovers, and that from opposite sides of an invisible force field keeping us at a safe distance from that which could consume us. We could only observe and surrender to that which seemed there to groom us. We had to leave our selfishness at the door. It clarified our vision. At the lowest point of my life, it showed me my beauty, my dignity. It challenged my beliefs. It gave me a thousand times more than I could ever have given it, because it wasn't there to take. It simply wasn't there to take from me and I wasn't there to take from it but it gave me that choice to whatever extent I could honestly handle it. It didn't force my hand. It was pure and lasting. One of the times something that profound happened, I saw my dub conditioning for what it was. This time, I saw ... other things I need to see and was more ready to see than I realized I was. The timing was flawless. I saw my own soul and I saw my mistakes. It's the kind of paradigm shift only love brings with it. It defies all man made boundaries and attempts at controlling it. It had it's pissy moments, to be sure. But it also loves those around and refuses to destroy them. It sacrifices itself, repeatedly, for truth and the greatest good. It lifted me in my darkest hours rewarding me for my endurance and my every effort to submit to the truth of it all even as it purged my life of all those that had selfishly abandoned me there in the first place, even much of "me". It was in my face saying, I exist, and I love you, and it never went too far. It wasn't man or woman. It was a taste, a glimpse, a surprise, a touch, a very very thin veil, a laugh, and a tone. It was closer than ever and it was okay. It had been there all along. It was just love. It brought me to my knees and made me laugh through my tears. LOL If you've ever caught a glimpse of the place I'm speaking of or if you've ever dished me out a glimpse of the place I'm speaking of, you'll know of what I speak. If you haven't, well, you probably find yourself questioning my sanity, or your own, in reading this. LOL
Oompa - wow, it amazes me how everyone gets a different piece of this. thank you. i'm okay. yes, i think i posted it in a paragraph so that only the bravest would tackle it and the sanest would understand it. LOL I will consider your encouragement to putting parts of it into a more consumable format. lol Just need to distance myself from it a bit for the best perspective, i think?
Everyone - thank you all again for sharing your thoughts and comments and wisdom and insight and for bearing with my unabashed terror on this one. LOL It was 36 years worth of healing in just over a year. In no way do I think I can even begin to know how to express all that in one post and I'm totally self-conscious of how insane it all sounds right now. I don't expect you to read it all. not even sure what to share and what not to. Some of this is verbal diarhea. Some of it is something more. All of it is as honest as I can be at that moment. it's just emotional honesty. a real challenge to convey, particularly online.
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SPAZnik
Tank - not sure if you're still around here but wanted to say your comment about looking for love not a man was very profound. Sometimes I think we can forget or lose sight of the fact that love is so much more than a person, place, or thing. it's more like an ocean of emotion ... or maybe all the water systems in the world and we be de beach-dwelling fire-lighting surfers. except when we're landlocked of course.
thx again for sharing that, i loved it. -
John Doe
I could only do my best and let my actions speak where words failed me. There is no being equal to love. It's impossible to be honest about everything at once. It ends up looking like this post and of itself being overly proud in it selfish desire to be understood rather than it's caring thoughtful desire to share. It ends up being mistaken for insanity.
A living, vivid experience is to a photograph what an intense emotion is to words. Words cannot replicate or convey the essence of the writer's object anymore than a picture can produce the smells, sights, sounds, and touch of an ordinary day in an ordinary world. Be that as it may, we'll never stop trying to reproduce the human experience in words or capture a living essence in pictures.
The fact that words are not replications of emotion should not, however, downgrade word's importance. Just as a catalyst starts a reaction that is greater than itself, words evoke emotion and experience in the souls of the reader. Just as a tree seed is a blueprint for something much greater than the seed, words are the blueprint for a thrilling ride for the reader that is greater than the words.
Ironically, when words don’t seem to convey the emotions contained in writing them, the emotions invoked in the reader mirror some of the same thoughts in that the reader knows exactly what is being talked about but is equally helpless as the writer to reduce those thoughts to the black and white reality of the typed page. Even though the words don’t contain the intended meaning, they do adequately convey the essence being described.