Daddy's 10 Rules for dating my Daughter...

zeroday

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about
this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with
your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will
not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact
come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take
my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your
waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing
a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,
and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you
make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be
on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting
on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden
Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do
something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm
enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -
zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme
are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey
games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But, on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the
whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and
five acres behind the house.. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in
my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring
my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit
the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely
and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come
inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

crazyblondeb

Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________ HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________ HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______ Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No If No, explain: ______________________________________________________________ Number of years they have been married ______________________________ If less than your age, explain ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ACCESSORIES SECTION: A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No C. A waterbed? __Yes __No D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No E. A tattoo? __Yes __No F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? (IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.) ESSAY SECTION:  In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ REFERENCES SECTION: Church you attend ___________________________________________________ How often you attend ________________________________________________ When would be the best time to interview your: father? _____________ mother? _____________ pastor? _____________ SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:  Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: ______________________________________________________________ B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ______________________________________________________________ C: A woman's place is in the: ______________________________________________________________ D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________________________________________________________ E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: ______________________________________________________________ F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. _________________________________________________________ Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!) _______________________________ ________________________________ Mother's Signature Father's Signature _______________________________ ________________________________ Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

amicus

Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi .
I love it.
I think you are going a bit overboard, but I'm ok with rules 1,2,3,5,7 and 9.
-Another father with daughters
hillbilly

LMAO. I am the guy who made it a point to clean a gun if when guys came calling for my neice.
Hill
LockedChaos

Funny

Glad I had a boy
Hope4Others

Very funny....but probably most dads really do feel that way....lol
Rule # 3 & #8 well its just....
Also love CBD your application...tee hee hee
h4o
Crumpet

Hysterical!
Especially on the application form:
Please allow four to six years for processing.
Gerard

When my daughter becomes 35 she will be allowed to beguin to date and I will use the forms indicated above. Thank you.
ESTEE

LOL!!!
Here's an application I saw several years ago.
ESTEE
APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NAME:_____________________ AGE:________ PHONE:______________________
ADDRESS____________________ CITY:__________ PROV:____ ZIP:__________
CHURCH:____________________ NUMBER OF TIMES ATTENDED LAST YEAR:_____
1. Do you drive ( ) Sports car ( ) Van ( ) Station Wagon ( ) M/C
(If you checked any of the above, put the pen down, walk slowly to the door and start running as fast as you can)
2. Please complete this sentence: THE PLACE FOR A WOMAN IS
__________________________________________________________.
3. In 50 words or less, describe what "NO" means to you:
__________________________________________________________.
4. In 50 words or less, describe what "LATE" means to you:
__________________________________________________________.
5. Describe where you would least like to be shot:
__________________________________________________________.
6. Have you ever had your testicles: ( ) REMOVED ( ) CRUSHED
( ) PLACED IN A PAIR OF VICE GRIPS ( ) SHREDDED
7. Which is the last bone you would like to have broken?
__________________________________________________________.
8. Have you ever thought how you would do things with no fingers?
( ) Yes ( ) No
9. What do you want to be "IF" you grow up? ____________.
10. Have you ever thought about what it would be like to be:
( ) QUADRAPELEGIC ( ) PERMANENTLY SCARRED ( ) CRIPPLED FOR LIFE
11. Have you ever seen what a hunting bullet can do at long range?
( ) Yes ( ) No
12. Do you know the effective range of a 30.06?
( ) Yes ( ) No
NEXT OF KIN: _____________________________________
FUNERAL HOME (OR BODY REMOVAL SERVICE) OF CHOICE: __________________
WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE AN ORGAN DONER? ( ) Yes ( ) No
PARENTAL USE ONLY:
LOOKS LIKE ( ) MEL GIBSON ( ) DENNIS RODMAN ( ) PEE WEE HERMAN
STATUS ( ) ACCEPTED ( ) REJECTED ( ) ARRESTED ( ) TERMINATED
Gayle

You all remind me of my father. Dating was pretty much not allowed and barely a JW would have been good enough. So it was clear that I would spare anyone and just not date. I faithfully pioneered 5 yrs, rarely dated. Went to Bethel for 5 yrs and married a Bethelite. Left for family life. Divorced 21 years later. He proved to be not a honest man in many ways. I fled JW land with my 5 children. He is in prison for insurance investment fraud now but still is totally loyal (?) to JW doctrine.

Daddy's 10 Rules for dating my Daughter...

Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

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