What kind of pathetic loser makes a post like this anyway? A desperate lonely pathetic loser. That would be me.
No - actually your post sounds like something I could have composed myself quite a few times in my life. You're not alone in how you feel. I think quite a few of us here have probably had the same thoughts, anger, and frustrations.
I also couldn't afford therapy, or didn't think I could risk exposing how bad off I was to my family by asking for their help. I managed to get through it, and you know what - things are pretty darn good for me, and I don't really have those thoughts or anger and frustration anymore.
Hang in there - some good advice was already given in this thread - but take a look in your local phone book - there may be some free resources available to you in your area that you didn't even know about.
A trick that always worked for me, to keep fighting the fight that is life, was to think of something I was definately looking forward to. Sometimes things as stupid as a tv show I wanted to watch, or book that was going to be released in few weeks. Things like that gave me something to look forward to. And then other things - like there was a local park near my school that had landscaped gardens. I always went there to do homework, or just eat lunch and hang out - and I would allow myself some time to just be present and enjoy things like the sounds, the smells, the texture of the space I was in. Focusing on that and how much joy that gave me, was a nice respite from thinking about all the crap that seemed to be falling down in my life at that time.
Finding what simple things bring you joy - can be the first step to working your way out of your frustrations. Sometimes if we just allow ourselves to really ponder what brings us true joy, it's enough to outweigh the heavyness in our lives.
I wish you the best Rachel, please hang in there and I hope some peace can find it's way to you soon, but until then I hope you find your small joys to sustain you.